Thursday, 31 May 2018
It’s getting worse and you don’t know. The weight is too much to bare. I’m a senseless exuce of a person. I want nothing more than to change but I’m full of so much hate so much regret. I’m so stupid. I feel like I have to prove myself that I’m worthy but how can I when all I want to do is slice my head off and watch the blood pool on the floor as I drift into another state of being. I can’t sleep cod I have so many nightmares. I can’t explain them. They’re awful. So morbid. Demons half eaten faces. Fire, pain drowning, everyone I care about dead hanging and I can’t save them. The soldiers come they tape us children and burn our houses down. I can’t express the pain I’m in. So much mentally and physically. My body is so weak I’m so tired I can’t handle this but I have no choice.
I don’t want to eat I don’t want to sleep. I want nothing more than to be a bird. To dance the ballet of a dove. To be free to fly, to soar, just to be.
I’m sorry if someone reads my sadness but I’m bursting with death.
My blogs used to be so meaningful and now they are a pure vent. One day I will be a bird. One day I will fly but thst day is not today and I don’t think it will be tomorrow.
Numbness engulfs me and money controls the worlds. I’m going to be sick again because it’s safe its comfortable. People stop commenting to me. My clothes will change. My makeup stays in the draw. I don’t care for myself and I don’t care for you. I have no love to give I have no love to receive. My heart is crushed and has ran away. Will you stay? But you don’t care you don’t know me. I’m not happy I never was. I don’t believe in this I don’t believe in anything other than the sun will rise tomorrow and again the day after. I’m ill and I can’t tell you what it feels like. I’m burning out and maybe I like it maybe this is the beginning of the end or maybe this is death and dying takes you to the real place. This is just a short journey we must go through before god sets us free.
Holly fuck I am a mess. Just let me go is all I can ask. I’m not worth the sadness. Walk away and be happy.
There is no next time this is do or die. I’m going to keep doing but I don’t know for how long and I don’t know why.