Saturday, 12 May 2018

awareness months

So it’s celiac awareness and BPD awareness month! Wow wee! I’m the worst celiac in the world. Constantly disregarding my diagnosis and eating low wheat products 🌾 I’m like I feel sick and have the shits from IBS and colitis so why not bloat and die some more by gluten? Can’t resist a montecarlo biscuit and omg Smarties! Yeah I’m malnourished and my electrolytes are SHOCKING but I love hash browns. 🥔.   I wonder if it’s classed as self harm?? Haha So happy BPD week. Another illness I highly disregard and just call me crazy. They say you can overcome it but I personally disagree. Sure you can change your actions but the immediate thought will always be there. The damage has already been done you can’t reverse that. It’s like depression is a chemical imbalance but Im on antidepressants forever. So my chemicals just don’t produce. Fark I hate this. This is why I just want to be dead. Instead of feeling shit all the time. If I was normal and could go out get drunk every weekend and live life, hsve friends, a social life, have good fashion sense and be beautiful. But no I farked that up years ago. I’m learning to accept it though. I’m a bloody train wreck of emotions and fatness yet I keep eating and keep believing lies. I hate being lied to. Just be honest it’s that easy. Yes I believe I will always be alone and yes I don’t have a goal age to live to. But I have s goal to be a nurse. I think. I’m probably a shit nurse though idk why I doubt myself there’s just so much to learn and I’m just starting so it’s overwhelming. The pressure I put on myself is crumbling me. Thank god for oxazepam!!! But seriously will anyone take me seriously with all this mental health stigma? And my scars on my arms need to fade pronto! I might start covering them with concealer. I tell my patients I fell in a rose bush 🤦🏼‍♀️ 

I just want to succeed in life but I just can’t see that happening. 

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