Thursday, 31 May 2018

Confession

It’s getting worse and you don’t know. The weight is too much to bare. I’m a senseless exuce of a person. I want nothing more than to change but I’m full of so much hate so much regret. I’m so stupid. I feel like I have to prove myself that I’m worthy but how can I when all I want to do is slice my head off and watch the blood pool on the floor as I drift into another state of being. I can’t sleep cod I have so many nightmares. I can’t explain them. They’re awful. So morbid. Demons half eaten faces. Fire, pain drowning, everyone I care about dead hanging and I can’t save them. The soldiers come they tape us children and burn our houses down. I can’t express the pain I’m in. So much mentally and physically. My body is so weak I’m so tired I can’t handle this but I have no choice. 
I don’t want to eat I don’t want to sleep. I want nothing more than to be a bird. To dance the ballet of a dove. To be free to fly, to soar, just to be. 
I’m sorry if someone reads my sadness but I’m bursting with death. 
My blogs used to be so meaningful and now they are a pure vent. One day I will be a bird. One day I will fly but thst day is not today and I don’t think it will be tomorrow. 
Numbness engulfs me and money controls the worlds. I’m going to be sick again because it’s safe its comfortable. People stop commenting to me. My clothes will change. My makeup stays in the draw. I don’t care for myself and I don’t care for you. I have no love to give I have no love to receive. My heart is crushed and has ran away. Will you stay? But you don’t care you don’t know me. I’m not happy I never was. I don’t believe in this I don’t believe in anything other than the sun will rise tomorrow and again the day after. I’m ill and I can’t tell you what it feels like. I’m burning out and maybe I like it maybe this is the beginning of the end or maybe this is death and dying takes you to the real place. This is just a short journey we must go through before god sets us free. 
Holly fuck I am a mess. Just let me go is all I can ask. I’m not worth the sadness. Walk away and be happy.

 There is no next time this is do or die. I’m going to keep doing but I don’t know for how long and I don’t know why. 

Finishing sentences

When the world makes you smile there is one thing for sure it will never last. 
I say fuck this and fuck that but I never actually know what the fuck is going on and what’s going to fucking happen. My eating disorder is back in action in hope tocontrol my borderline. And I’m fucked. I can’t do this but my psych doesn’t care my nurse is avoiding me and I’m nothing’s I’m a worthless idiot who needs to just fucking neck themselves. Why am I like this? What makes me say these things,why did I just punch my face what the fuck is going on 

Tuesday, 29 May 2018

Sleeping awake

Had my last day of placement today. Totally fucked it up but hey that’s me these days. In so much pain in my stomach and vowels like it’s just IBS I’m fine, it’s just a headache, it’s just my joints I’m just exhausted. But I’m fine it’s all in my head. I’m fine. I slept all afternoon and now in bed at 6:30. Does anyone care? I’m going to Judy lone it from now on not contact anyone and see who contacts me. Maybe all my complaints are just my depression. Fuck. I should just go off all my meds what’s the fucking point. I’m drugged to the point I don’t care. I’m ignoring phone calls I’m ignoring emails I just don’t care. I’m not in a good place and I don’t know where it came from I thought I was doing okay I thought I was getting better but I’m not. This is the end of me. 

Saturday, 26 May 2018

Doomed

I don’t know how I get into this position. I can see the reasons to go and they outweigh the reasons to stay. Don’t worry I’m safely drowning in my own pity. I just can’t help myself. I don’t think I want to because this is all too familiar and I’m scared of the future. Makes sense. I’m trying to stop but it’s all I’ve known for so long how do I let go. 

Survival is the key

I was doing so well and that second I let my guard down it comes flooding back like a roaring wave of worthless despair. 
I have a purpose, I have drive (sometimes) I have a good life, a good life worth living. But is it really worth living if I’m plagued by these thoughts? The thoughts never stop and I have the skills I know what to do but I don’t care it’s easier to just take a tablet then endings in behaviours. Confession: I’ve been purging as a form of self harm but now I’ve stopped I neeeeeed to hurt myself. The things I say the way I am, I try to act so perfect when actually I say the dumbest things and propbably perceived as an idiot. I’m so embarrassed by myself like it’s so easy to kill myself and avoid it all. There is one easy fix and I keep fantasising about it. How sad. I am the black my thoughts are so dark. Surely Just one little cut wouldn’t matter. On my ribs where no one can see just a little bit of pain. Just to cope. No one will know. Then! I need to lose weight Ana says. “You will be happy” which is BS! I know anas path and I endulge in it too often. I can’t be the girl with problems. Omg I wish I could have someone to be with to love me so I wouldn’t have to do these things. I have my cat, he is my responsibility. I can’t cut. But I must. I’m so unhappy but I’m so alive. Why do I do this. Why must I be in such physical and mental pain. I have this burden so no one else has to carry it and maybe one day I can help someone. But who can help me? 

Monday, 21 May 2018

Tomorrow questions

Alas I’m now vegetarian again but still trying to eat chicken but it’s hard. I don’t like eating animals I never have. I was vegetarian for 6 years when I was a teenager. Now I’m back there. And now I feel I’m gaining insight and possibly control of my bpd through medications, positivity and my wellness plan. But I must not become complacent as we all know how quick things can change. 
It seems when the bpd is under control the ED flares up and vice versa. Fuck. 
I’m struggling my dears. Restricting and eating a cleaner diet. Still managing 60cal coffee and apples this relapse which is good! Trying to maintain my gluten free diet to avoid purging necessarily. 
I didn’t go to uni today and discovered I will not receive extra points as I missed the adaptive quiz’s or when it said 10/10 turns out there was 20 questions but my computer DID NOT display that! Arghhhhh. Failure it feels. Though I’m flourishing I wonder how my exams will go with my anxiety as my medications dull my senses ie memory and recall but without them I forget everything under stress. Fuck. 
Another placement at meals on wheels tomorrow. Can’t say I’m looking forward to it but at least it’s meaningful. I just feel so helpless and useless. So hungry right now. Need to sleep. Tomorrow is another day 

Saturday, 19 May 2018

Happiness

Things that I believe make me feel happy: 
1. The sound of rain when lying in bed 
2. My Pusey cat curled up next to me in bed 
3. Lying in bed

It’s clear bed makes me happy ❤️

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Fake a smile and lie today

So I made it to placement and was the longest 5 hours but hey I did it then slept the afternoon. The real issue is that I feel like a fake. Like I’m faking depression if I don’t cut myself. I mustn’t be suffering unless I show it by cutting or starving or purging. Like otherwise I’m invisible it seems. Like I don’t want people to know my life story but I don’t want to be classed as lived a sheltered life like I’m incompetent and judged as being weak when I’m strong, independent and can clarify anything. 
Bit pissed off my ex is coming down on the weekend to finally get his car and let’s hope boat, but what’s the bet he drags it out another few weeks. Seeing him will really distress me because I just want to punch him in the face for the way he treated me. I thought I was the problem and hated myself and lost myself completely only to start lithium and see clarity of the situation that was being emotionally abused. The thing is he doesn’t probably even realise he was doing it. All his traits everything about him. But alas Ive moved on from rambling about the things he would say and do.  though it’s scared me from ever being in a relationship at this stage I know what I’m not looking for. I never thought I would be so bitter about all this but that’s just how things are. 
Back to faking. 
I think I’m also a fake because well I’ve come to the conclusion I’m probably not going to commit suicide. Though I idolise it so much I’m probably too lazy to do it in ways that would succeed. There’s just so many ways to do it but they effect so many more peoples lives than you realise and I hate upsetting people. I don’t want a funeral and I don’t know how I’d like to be remembered because since gaining weight after anorexia I’ve gained so much insight that my new life has just begun and I can do anything I want and be anyone I want. I want to be kind. I want people to like me for who I am as a person and know I’m trustworthy and decent. I want to be loved. I want to forget about borderline personality disorder and have meaningful relationships. 
I want a life! I want to then get married and have babies and have meaning. I’ve never wanted that. So what’s my life expectancy?? I don’t even know. I’m still taking one day at a time. One hour one minute because things can change in an instance. 
Today I gained insight into the kind people that donate their time to cook meals for the elderly. There are so many kind and generous people out there and I want to be one. 

Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Tainted by oxazepam

2nd day in a row of uni and I’m dead. The whole drive there I was considering crashing into a truck, but some olanzapine drove me in the right direction though made me almost fall asleep in class. I love what I’m doing and I want to succeed but I’m so exhausted. Like I just need to sleep for a month and I’ll be right. I’ve been in bed since 6:30 and then tomorrow have my first placement which I was considering abusing laxatives so I wouldn’t have to go but I chose not to. I will go then it’s one day done. But how am I going to cope come September for ten days??? When I can’t even cope 2 days. How long can I keep kidding myself? I’m just so tired. I sleep, I study and I work. That’s my life. And if I don’t do it now I never will. I was thinking on the way home with a McCafé coffee. A tall vanilla soy latte my fave. I was thinking about what my psych has told me about my commitment to living. This is what I’m doing. 
Now I’m thinking I should drop a nightshift following night cos I’m exhausted. Maybe I should ring my Mum and discuss. That’s what I’ll do right now. Cheerio 

Saturday, 12 May 2018

awareness months

So it’s celiac awareness and BPD awareness month! Wow wee! I’m the worst celiac in the world. Constantly disregarding my diagnosis and eating low wheat products 🌾 I’m like I feel sick and have the shits from IBS and colitis so why not bloat and die some more by gluten? Can’t resist a montecarlo biscuit and omg Smarties! Yeah I’m malnourished and my electrolytes are SHOCKING but I love hash browns. 🥔.   I wonder if it’s classed as self harm?? Haha So happy BPD week. Another illness I highly disregard and just call me crazy. They say you can overcome it but I personally disagree. Sure you can change your actions but the immediate thought will always be there. The damage has already been done you can’t reverse that. It’s like depression is a chemical imbalance but Im on antidepressants forever. So my chemicals just don’t produce. Fark I hate this. This is why I just want to be dead. Instead of feeling shit all the time. If I was normal and could go out get drunk every weekend and live life, hsve friends, a social life, have good fashion sense and be beautiful. But no I farked that up years ago. I’m learning to accept it though. I’m a bloody train wreck of emotions and fatness yet I keep eating and keep believing lies. I hate being lied to. Just be honest it’s that easy. Yes I believe I will always be alone and yes I don’t have a goal age to live to. But I have s goal to be a nurse. I think. I’m probably a shit nurse though idk why I doubt myself there’s just so much to learn and I’m just starting so it’s overwhelming. The pressure I put on myself is crumbling me. Thank god for oxazepam!!! But seriously will anyone take me seriously with all this mental health stigma? And my scars on my arms need to fade pronto! I might start covering them with concealer. I tell my patients I fell in a rose bush 🤦🏼‍♀️ 

I just want to succeed in life but I just can’t see that happening. 

Friday, 11 May 2018

Deep breathes

Deep breathes. The pills will soak up. Feel the cat snuggled beside you. Breathe. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be better. Just breathe 

Welcome to the show

Ladies and gentleman here we are again. At war with yours truely and I don’t know well I do know how to make it stop. What pleases me depresses and destroys others. I could ring but why? Why save me? I don’t deserve shit. I deserve a bullet. This numbness I can’t share. This weight I can’t bare. I’m so weak and I have a degree to do but how can I go on? 
I dropped my second contract today. I just can’t focus but work is everything to me. What am I doing? Do I have a purpose? I’m sick of forming questions! Forming lies! I’m so angry and I need to do something. I have no purpose I have no one to love. I live for my cat. But what when he dies? Gosh I’m actually starting to scare myself. I’m sorry this is not my usual blog. I’m crashing and probably need help but I should just go to sleeps take some tablets and go to sleep. Works a charm. Then the more tablets I take the more often. One day I will not wake up and that day will be a good day. I’m only human. I bleed when I fall down. Knives in my heart. I fall apart. Down down down I’m so depressing like I must just depress people whether I live or die. I’m so confused yet things are so blatantly clear. Clear as the depths of lithium. Watch me burn out cos here I go. Don’t report just better yourself. Go outside breathe. Run be free of illness. Be free of pain but we all feel pain. We all lose someone close we all have emotions no matter how sociopathic you may be. We are nothings in nothingness. Blind but see all. Empty as a shell. Lord help us move forward. Help us move on from this out of hell. I’m struggling. Now is the fight. Fight of our lives. Do or die. Fight or flight. What will you biologically chose? 

Sunday, 6 May 2018

Psychosocial development lashout

So I got 55% on my first essay written in an hour the day before it was due. Simply because I had forgot (thanks depression) and the lecturers comments make me wanna neck myself. It was a ‘superficial ‘ paper and not a scholastic paper well I don’t want to be a scholar I just want to be a nurse. Now I don’t know how I’m going to cope this is all rubbish like what does being a scholastic researcher references have to do with being a nurse? What’s wrong with boois not journal artcicles and peer referenced pieces of shit. I know I’ve taken this to heart but does the lecturer realise I forgot the assignment because I was too busy cutting myself and planning my suicide like really fuck off. I’m trying to act like I don’t care cos if I take all these comments to heart there will be nothing left of me by the end of this degree. Is this the beginning of the end for me? Quit now while I’m ahead? I need to get s hold of this depression and move forward in life but I don’t know how. Nursing is propelling meinto an unknown scary world and I just feel like a failure. All I can do is cut myself. I can achieve that at least. I can take a handful of pills and maybe not wake up tomorrow. I’m being over dramatic but it’s just I’m not prepared for this! Like I won’t be able to cope with nursing the way I am. What am I doing? What am I going to do. I don’t know what to think. I have 3 exams this week and this topic will be over in a month I just hope I pass and this psychosocial development bullshit will be behind me. Ironic I’m having a development issue myself because my psychosocial life was altered by illness and admissions. I’ve developed higher in areas and not in others. My identity phase continues and my integrity crumbles. 

Friday, 4 May 2018

Depression

I feel like I have a brain tumour that’s sucking the life out of me and bleeding me dry. I’m empty, I’m nothingness. I’m barely alive but my heart keeps on beating. I feel nothing but stabs of insight into this illness. Nothing but fouthcoming blame. I smile, I am dead. There’s another tumour in my chest. Compressing my insides, crushing them to pulp. I’m choking on air like I can’t breathe. I make no sound. I am afraid of so much I can’t take this 

Thursday, 3 May 2018

Fark my life

The longer I stay awake the more I just want to hurt myself. Lethal injections would be so easy.  Why do I have these compulsive obsessive thoughts. I can’t cut I have work tomorrow and would rather not be admitted. So yet again I follow my safety plan woo. I Just I can’t explain these ‘feelings’ or whatever they are. All I feel is numbness. And dumbness. Pop another pill you’ll be right mate. I don’t even know. Know anything. I can’t comprehend life I can’t think. And yes you might say we all have these thoughts and many people self harm well I don’t really care. I don’t care about anything. All is for nothing. We all die anyway

Fear of failure

im so afraid. So afraid that I’m isolating myself from the world and al it’s antics. I don’t know how long I can last. I want to do my nursing but I don’t put in the time for study. All I do is sleep.  I need to get my head straight but I’m failing hard. If I actually tried I’d be axing it but I just can’t I’m so down like I feel nothing. Im just trying to breathe. I’m so overwhelmed though I won’t afmit it. I won’t give it a chance. I want so bad to succeed but then what? Who is by myself? Sober and alone. I have friends from work but that’s where it ends. I have nothing outside of the workplace but study. Do I want another life? I don’t know. I know I’m fat though and a failure for recovering anorexia. Every night I go to bed and I’m full of regret. So I over medicate, I abuse some laxatives and enter another nightmare. I’m so afraid of the future. I’m so afraid of digesting food. I’m so afraid of letting myself down but the truth is I quit before I have the chance to try. So this should be my turn around point. Do or die. Fight or flight. When really I just want to sleep. I’m so numb. My dreams are more exciting. My nightmares I mean

Tuesday, 1 May 2018

Dear old Ana

Just when you think you’re doing okay and you let your guard down, oh miss Ana pops up and crushes your heart. The fear, the secrets, the behaviours! WHY!!?? I don’t want to be like this. One minute I can eat because I need fuel the next no you’ve had enough for the day x calories no more. But I think I’m hungry? No don’t be stupid you must starve. And so I suffice with a 60 calorie vanilla coffee and I know tomorrow I will be back to black coffee with sweetener. Farkkkk do I want to stop? Because apart of me doesn’t want this. Ana is in my head. Just a little more weight then you’ll be happy. LIES LIES LIES! I know this so why can’t I accept it? Arghhh the internal battle! Please give me strength to evade these thoughts and eat for wellness. #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #edwarrior #fightnorflight #boobsoverbones #foodforfuel #nourishnotpunish #nourishtoflourish #selfharm #suicide #oxazepam #olanzapine #lithiumrecovery

Deleted Instagram posts

9 years ago... when I had long luscious hair and was healthy. Before any of this shit.  I haven’t been on lately because honestly I’m pissed off. Angry at not only myself but fuming that others live such a life without infusions, injections, supplements, constant blood tests, tubes and medications like oh and can eat whatever whenever without the repercussions and have energy to live life and go out and socialise!! It’s not just my ED my health from my depression and my organs don’t respond so well after torturing them for 9 years now. So I’m Sick of being judged. Like you don’t know me you don’t understand I get it but you don’t have the right to judge me and talk about me..... I’m getting better mentally at coping with all this but I do have more moments that make me want to jump in front of a bus. So much is going on atm!! I want to update but I don’t think I’m ready to share. I’m sorry for letting you all down. Talk soon xx #chronicillness #chronicpain #bpd #depression #anorexiarecovery



So much pain. Physically I mean. Kidneys ⬇️ fever ⬆️ wheat bags ✔️ medication for every symptom 🤦🏼‍♀️ I hate this. Uni tomorrow and I feel like death then comes the depression side well wtf do I even have it cos if you have that imbalance shouldn’t medication fix it!? Yes yes now I should be pursuing my radical acceptance and throw in a half simple for bpd reactions but ffs coping mechanisms only get you so far.,, fix the goddam problem which is me. I can tell you how with the shot of a gun. Prescribe that bitches. Idk is rural and remote took me serious last night but it didn’t end well I can tell you that. Good days or bad days. Luck of the draw. Coping mechanisms but you time but how much time? What if you exhaust every measure? What if you’re just not meant for this life like why do things go wrong and were put in these positions. Hopefully I can stop being a shitty person and overcome this but 24 years is a lot to overcome. I’ll never shake the stigma people have over me but this is not how I want to be remembered . No way. Fight on my lovelies. 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 Maybe one day we will understand this mess we call life. May our purpose be found and happiness rejoiced #sucidalideation #fuck #bpd #depression


I’m just over this shit. What is the ducking point? No man is ever coming to save me from my tower of self destruction. I’m wasted on pills that numb my everlasting already numbness. I’m angry. I’m pissed and I want to hurt myself. I want to die then I don’t have to go to work tomorrow and have another shit day. I can’t sleep unless I mix it up to an overdose. I’m just fucking done always being the nice one that people walk over. From now I’m going to stand up and tell people what I really think and have them fuck off around me. I care too much and I need to step back and let go. I need to re-evaluate. I need to breathe without the crushing pain on my chest. I’m going to blog from now on. To help others and to vent. I need to ventilate my life. IM NOT HIDING ANYMORE  #suicide #depression #bpd #anxiety #distress #blogging# I’m not


In the middle of a self harm relapse which my eating disorder is taking much advantage of. But that’s okay because I’m stronger than these disorders and I most likely will have another sleepless night but that’s okay! The specialist psychiatrist couldn’t really help me today more trying to tell me to join groups and make friends. Yeah like that’s easy in this small town. Plus my social anxiety so I’m just hoping when I study next year I meet some cool people. My ED soldiers nothing is harder. Today I had one of those moments where I walked in Woolworths and all I bought was light soy milk cos I was so afraid of food. Can anyone relate?? Please send me some love I need it 😞



Once again I am struggling with food as my depression has gotten worse so I’m trying to focus on weight loss to cope. No no no! Tomorrow I will start my fortisips again and i will get past this unhealthy eating dissorder ! I refuse to let Ana take hold again now after I finally healthy. I can do this. Weight restored and I plan on keeping it that way I just need my depression under control. Psych appointment tomorrow then mental health team review Monday. Getting it done! Wish me luck! #recovery #anorexia #weightrestored 



Pulled over trying to pull myself together waiting for the pills to kick in. Blasting the music because I am nothing but numb. Numb numb numb. I don't want PTSD getting the better of me but when it's all you dream about and all you can feel what am I meant to do? I can't go home cos mum knows something is up and saw me taking me pills but I can't tell her without causing more shame. THe things I've done I just can't. I'm a disappointment as it is. I will get through this. I will. I have a beautiful boyfriend To life for.I'm going to go on the crisis helpline. That will pull me through. Do what you need to do. Fight my lovelies fight!!! Please never let the BPD win! We are so much better than this! We are destined for greatness! We are!! ❤️❤️❤️

Going under

I’m just exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can keep playing this game. I sleep 24/7 like I’m dizzy when I’m awake I can’t think. I’m struggling. I have so much to do with uni and I just keep doing the bare minimum. I thought this was what I wanted so why can’t I apply myself more? I expect so much of myself and I just can’t do it. I’m so tired. Tired of trying tired of worrying about my weight. I just want to sleep forever when I’m back in the stage where my dreams are more eventful than my life. I don’t know if I can’t keep nursing because I don’t know if I can keep living. I’m so overwhelmed with expectations and I can’t do this . I really should be in hospital but I can’t give up I have to keep going but I’m so so tired. I don’t wanna watchvtv I cant think to read I just need sleep. What is this hole I’m going in ? You can throw me a rope but I can’t hold on. I’m slipping and I can’t be saved. I’m going under again and I’m so afraid.