Saturday, 28 April 2018

Short update now 2018 - more to come

My darlings it has been over a year since I last posted but I believe now is the time to reach out and suffer the consequences. Check my Instagram.com/Sarah.fights.to.live
I don’t know where to begin. I was in an actual relationship but I mentally realised after a year of overdosing that it wasn’t the one for me. Other reasons to but to be known as a second choice again hurts. I have no value. I have nothing. I have my cat my blessing but suspect he only sometimes like me. He has stopped me committing suicide every night but what would I do if he died? I can’t commit because I have him and I’ve destroyed my families lives enough I don’t want them to find me dead. They’ve already had to break into my house to check. I’m a mess. I put on a smile but get walked over. I’ve reached a point I rely on medications because nothing else can change me for a period of time. I don’t sleep anymore and when I do it’s nightmares. I just want to disappear but I can’t so day by day I live this life of numbness and live off others emotions until now I don’t care how I act. Sure I’ll be nice but I won’t hesitate no more to reflect my views. I get walked over at work and tomorrow I’ll them to fuck off... well in a respectable manner. I do my job, care for my patients and go home. I don’t need anyone. I’m terrified of relationships because I don’t know where I stand and what’s expected. Since changing medications again the cloud that lithium evaporated is back. That’s why all I think every minute of every day how to kill myself. I’m just too lazy. Sure I cut down the road and get stitches what an accomplishment. Where does that get me? I’m worthless and lost in despair. Every day I wake up and think fuck not again. Psychologists, nurses keep calling me but I can’t answer cos I’m terrified of phone calls. It kills me.

I don’t expect anyone to read any of this this is for my personal vent. I was weight restored from anorexia but now on a sliding scale back to it. I’m scared and destroyed. I don’t know how long I can keep going. I’m exhausted. I’m studying a bachelor of nursing but will I ever finish it? Do I even want to? Like then what $50,000 later on hex and if you read my blog why would anyone hire me.
Maybe this was a bad idea



 If you want to read my daily struggles read my www.instagram.com/Sarah.fights.to.live


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