A serious problem

So it’s arisen I drink too much. I got drunk on a psych ward with random guys I just met haha I was just innocently reading and they cane up to me. Still think it was the best decision though. Smoking not so much but I honestly don’t care anymore I just don’t care. It’s actually sad the amount of respect I’ve lost for myself. I don’t wanna be alive so anything that eases the pain is good right? 

The cast of lost souls

Okay so this is what I just posted on Instagram regretfully: 

 but I feel like it needs to be addressed and awareness needs to be made. If something good can come from this pit of despair I can save one of you and change your mind about suicide. Suicide is so final it is the last resort and there is no going back once it’s been committed. My latest attempt was Friday night to when I woke up at 11 the next morning to where I started again. I was on a mission. Pill after pill drink after drink they slid down my throat. I was broken. I could see no way out I couldn’t tell anyone so more pills I took until I was unconscious. My parents found me about an hour later and carried my limp unconscious body to the hospital where I was unrousable and lost control of my bladder. So they put in a catheter. They injected me with all sorts of drugs to attempt to save my life. Nothing was working. I was gone. My parents were told to say their goodbyes. It was touch and go. They finally aroused me through punching my chest constantly to which was my dad I told to fuck off. From there I was flown by helicopter to the royal Adelaide hospital. Where they continued to detox my body from the medications comatozing me. I woke up sometime the next day no idea where I was or what I had even done. I was detained by the state with a security guard always in sight. I was alive. I still don’t know if I want to be. Should I be relieved, thankful? Or regret? I don’t know how to be. Seeing my parents for the first time since it happened today was terrible. To see my dad cry after reading my suicide notes. If I have to live I have to live for my parents. I want to die and I’ve put everyone through so much pain and anguish. I’m a walking disaster. Everyone in my life is in danger of me. Afraid of walking on eggshells around me. So now I’m locked away in another mental asylum until further notice. Trying to finding the will to live. If you have any ideas how please shoot them my way?! I’m broken inside. I don’t know how to heal. One thing is that I’m in the right place. I’m surrounded by nurses, doctors and psychiatrists to protect and help me. 

I have met so many amazing strong inspiring people through this journey and we are al in it together. Never alone. Don’t ever feel alone. Please seek help I can’t stress that enough. I feel like my life was coming to an end and from some grace if god he’s given me another chance. I’ve broken so much of my life. I’m broke and stuck in psychiatric wards packed full of medication but I’m alive. All thanks to the many doctors and nurses working hard to keep me safe. I don’t know if I’m happy about being alive but in a way I am thankful for a second chance and that’s what I’ve got is a second chance. So I need to call out when I’m drowning and be picked up. Your family loves you unconditionally don’t forget that. The guilt of hurting them doesn’t worry me as much as it used to as I block it off but to crush the ones your love is pretty sad. Very Grim. I’ve never had a child so I don’t know the bond but it’s obviously very powerful and special. 

I just want someone to love and someone to love me back. According to my psychic I haven’t found him yet but she didn’t foresee my death either so we will see what life brings. I don’t know if I’m going to continue nursing or when I’ll get back to work if I even passed nursing. I’m kind of avoiding it. I need to man up and face it but I can’t. I don’t know. God give me strength. 

So far I’m reading novels and sleeping. Good life. I say I’m vegetarian but been eating meat all day just happy to have food. Thankful for what I’m given. Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning and chance to start again. 

Another sleepless night in hell

I went back to work today and it almost killed me. It was an alright day but putting up with the gossip of me going away and people questioning me got to me. I didn’t let anyone in. They think they know but they have no idea. They say you can’t trust anyone so have to be very careful. 

I wish things and pray. But to no avail. Tomorrow is going to be terrible I just know it. It’s like being a new person again. I just need to get to know people better. What is so wrong with me. I know I’m going to be alone forever I’m never going to find someone to love this mess let alone have a baby. Sure odd guys message me but nothing I’m interested in. The guy I like doesn’t like me and doesn’t see a future. Which sucks but I’ve put my walls up so it’s okay but now I just feel like a burden when I talk to him probably am as he feels sorry for me. I’ve already overdosed twice this week since discharge and been unconscious for hours. Slurring words and unable to walk. I have a stash of more drugs hidden. I’m hopeless but it’s my only escape from this rejection. I don’t know how to feel how to be. How am I meant to live? What’s going to happen? I’m broke how am I meant to do uni this is awful. Now it’s uni holidays and the results are killing me. If I failed something I’ll probably give up. FML. I need to pass uni first year at least please help me pass. But now I idol and have nothing to focus on so my depression thickens. The eating side of things is still shit. I’m lucky if I do eat but I still try to purge it. Eating quite unhealthy too like lollies and carbs etc. tomorrow I will have a shake for breakfast. I need a liquid diet. I still don’t know what I weigh and I can’t bare to do it and be disappointed. I just can’t do it. I can’t do life. I can’t do this forever. I have no motivation other than nursing but I’ll never get a job in my home town because management hate me for my mental health issues. derogatory comments etc about my scars. Acting well is easy. Acting I’m okay I can do but tablets help. Gosh I’m so lost like I don’t know what way to turn. The nurses say just look forward to my holiday in two weeks but how can I when I have no money and then what? What happens after my holiday? Do I live or do I die? Do I make it through Christmas? When everyone’s happy and I’m not. So I act I am because I really do like Christmas but I won’t let myself. There’s only one thing one person I wish for. Who knows where we will be in 6 weeks. If it’s meant to be it will be as says the lord so I must trust in his plan for me as bullshit as it may seem. I’m now a morning showerer lol it’s different but gives me a boost and feel cleaner. I feel so dirty all the time. I have random guys messaging me but none I’m interested in. I’m not into just sex and no connection. Pointless really. God has a plan. Trust and cast my worries onto him. If he listens? Will he answer? Does he ever? What else am I meant to hope for. I want hope but I’m so lost and confused. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going alive. How to live, how to breathe. This is all fucked. 

Here again.

5 days out of my 26 day crisis admission. I’m slowly dying. I’m not eating or sleeping. I’m barely breathing. I have a would in my life that makes it worth it but it will never last. No one could learn to love this mess. I’m going to be alone forever and I accept that. What I would do to cut myself and see the fat and blood poor from my wrists. But I haven’t cut in 20 days for him. Still overdosing to catch s few hours sleep but I’m barely breathing. I am dead inside, I can’t let people in cos I don’t want them to see the real me. I don’t even really want to lose weight but eating is so emotional I just can’t. I’m exhausted and I’m so disappointed within myself. I hate myself and I feel I can’t breathe. Another sleepless night what’s that? I’m not ready to go back to work yet so I’m broke on my ass which is stressful but what do I need to buy? Not eating so it’s all good lol what is wrong with me. All I think is ways to hurt myself. Memories of my first years of depression flood back in and once again I’m living in the past. I can’t explain my emotions I don’t know where to begin. Music is seriously saving me right now because everyone I know has gone to sleep but not sleepless sarah. All nighter here we come! So depressing. I hope tomorrow is better which it will be but I’m so broken. I don’t want this but I can’t let go. 20 days self harm free but the starving continues. More of an irrational fear. I see things for what they are but it doesn’t help having insight. I’m so numb I can’t feel anything because I block it out because I don’t wanna be hurt. I thought I felt for him but I put up that wall and feel nothing. So what does it make it? Just fun? It’s complicated I guess. As life is but like are witches real? Are we all going to hell? Why is terrorism happening and which religion is true?  I question life for what it is and think way too hard. I need to stop thinking and just try to sleep. Insomnia ruins me. 

Fuck sakes

I just typed a whole lot of shit and of course it froze and I lost it. Ffs. I give up. 

Wtf

I’m fucked, actually fucked. I can’t stop crying I’m never getting out of this place because I’m so fucked in the head. I hate this. I hate me. I hate who I’ve become no one needs me. I’m so alone and I’m going to be alone my whole life and when my cat dies what then? I just want a fairy tale ending but it’s never going to happen and I have to face the facts. Fact is I’m fucked. I’m so low. And I have to climb back out this hole and I don’t know if I can or if I even want to. What do I want? Because I know I can’t have it. How do I express all this from my head? I just can’t get it out. I thought I had found someone who gets me and understands me and I didn’t feel so alone but soon enough he will be gone and I will be alone again too. This is pointless. I’m going back to being a quiet little mouse and avoiding people and living in my shell. Fuck this fuck that shut the front door I’m out 

So so so

So my day was unsuccessful as I didn’t kill myself but nurse very happy saying my outing not self harming is positive. I can’t explain how angry, sad, depressed, alone and afraid I am. A life without suicidality is daunting. It’s my safe place. A life without self harm is awesome like big change. I’m safe. But inpatient is hard. These thought won’t just disappear. Suggestions of ect. That scares me. Dropping my medication that’s scary. My head aches. I’m so tired but I have had a lot of medication. Nurses are lovely and to admit I want to be here to get better is tough but the truth is I do want to get better. I want a life of happiness I Just do t believe it’s possible and being bubbly and acting happy like is it as exhausting as acting it? I’m so exhausted. And ole Ana says hello. I ate way too much today and counteract that with black coffee. But I was so hungry. Like the voices fight I know I need nourishment but I want to lose dramatic amounts of weight. At least 9kg to be “happy” content or just okay within myself. I don’t know how long I’m going to be here but I feel like it’s for the long haul. I need to get better but can I do that in a week? I should really speak to a nurse. I don’t even know what happy is. Do I have to love myself? Cos that’s another aspect that needs improving like omg there is so much to change and work on where do I begin???? Where am I like wtf am i doing I’m so sorry. I can’t wave s magic wand. I have s hell of a fight to go through. I need to be more open and I need to have confidence. I need help

My darlings

My darlings I’m so sorry I couldn’t hold on. I had my appointment and confessed all to my doctor admitted I was not safe and have been admitted to an insane asylum in Adelaide. I don’t which to say which one but a psychiatric hospital never the less another funny farm. I wish there wasn’t so much stigma around this issue like you have cancer you get treatment so how is mental health any different. I feel so judged and alone and afraid of the other patients but they’re probably just sad like me. I barely ate anything all day but drank heaps weighing in at 49.5 kill me please. But I took it in my stride no thanks to old Ana in my head. I’ve been skulling black coffee and purged a yoghurt but oh well. Hopefully I will lose weight on this admission. Breakfast is 8 am lol that’s still sleep time for me so I’ll pass. Show up in my unicorn pyjamas. Stuff the lot of you! I don’t really care what anyone thinks but I don’t want people to make assumptions so I don’t really know what to tell people so I’m not really telling anyone where I am. Hush hush. I feel like this is a safe place I don’t have to put on an act and hide my thoughts I can finally let out in a safe environment how I’m feeling! Finally an acceptable place to be. Tomorrow is a new day because let’s face it I hope never to wake up but I will and I will try to study but will fail so I will sleep and that’s okay. The nurses will ask and I will tell them how I feel which will most likely be depressed and suicidal. 

Like I question why am I so suicidal? Nothing bad other than depression has happened and I know with bpd the thoughts are common but what are the statistics of suicide? I’m in chronic ideation and make plans but then I doubt the plans would work. I want so much to sleep forever and death just seems so easy. It’s quick and painless it’s just leaving my cat and my poor family to pick up the pieces of their now destroyed lives and remember their daughter who killed themselves. My family would be tainted forever. People would always remember me as a quitter and weak. So why? Do I want a different life for myself? Surely after years of dbt I have some skills. I do I know I do I just don’t care as if I like feeling this way maybe and I’m used to it. I can’t break the cycle. So is this my chance? This admission let it all out face it and overcome it and send it running for the hills because I need a life away from self harm, abuse and suicidal ideation. I deserve that life I just don’t have the confidence or self esteem to strive for it. Hello anxiety. Then that gets in my head then depression says hey don’t worry your too tired go lay down and remember what a failure you are. Yes thank you depression for your encouragement. Mental health is a curse, cancer is a curse. Diabetes these are all treatable conditions with the right medication and support. God help me! Lord hear my prayer please help me to be brave tomorrow, to find the courage to eat and not purge, to tell a nurse how I’m feeling and to know my pussy cat at home knows I love him and I’m coming back for him. Please lord grant me these things. Amen

Will you listen?

Nobody hears my screams in the dark, no one sees the blood as it flows. 

I’m broken, I don’t want an admission but it’s getting to that point. 6 weeks until my holiday but wil I make it? My heart just keeps beating and my liver keeps functioning stupid body. 

I just want to disappear and have everything go with it. Let the world alpocolypse happen though I want my cat to live and be happy. I need him safe. 

I’m giving up on social media. Seeing everyone live their lives and I’m just over here with my messy hair and bloodshot eyes. I’m a mess. Does anyone see me? Why do my lungs keep breathing? 

One breathe at a time I suppose.

Between a rock and a hard place

I don’t know what I want but I’m constantly scared. I’m thinking about things I shouldn’t and I’m struggling so much. I’m sorry. 

Trouble

I can’t keep it together. I’m stuck in the cycle of self harm. I hit a vein tonight and it spurted out haha fair bit of blood actually. I love wounds and dressing them. Like being a nurse. I could have gone deeper but I just don’t feel it. I don’t know why I keep cutting like it’s an addiction. I have s towel I lay down and it’s drenched in blood. Stained forever. I tried to avoid cutting bu madly cleaning but it did nothing. I can’t go to hospital because I don’t need an admission so I took some extra olanzapine on top of my normal dose which will raise my prolactin levels more oh well I don’t really care anymore. I need to google 

Not again

I don’t know. Cutting doesn’t relieve this feelings. Ribs hurt more but it’s not as satisfying as wrist. I’m so tired. I’m considering overdosing. Lethally or just below idk I don’t want to go to hospital but I can’t die and leave Phenoix. I was told to grow up to fight back but I just don’t care. I’m probably going to restrict tomorrow. I need to do something about this weight gain. I wanted a tattoo on my ribs but there’s too many scars it would hurt a fair bit I reckon. I can’t think

I’m lost

I don’t know where I’m at I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just want to hurt myself. I’m so empty. My nightmares are so bad. I look fine on the outside but inside I’m drowning. I pretend I’m fine but who am I kidding. It’s going to be hot tomorrow which means short sleeves which means scars out bandages out. I’m so confused and dead inside. I literally eat and sleep. I have no motivation and everything is a chore. I know I’m loved I know I’m many things but I feel like nothing. I’ve pushed everyone away and time flies by so quick. I wish I was normal I wish I could interact properly I wish a lot of things. I have a mouth ulcer and it’s killing me hahaha I kill me. I think I might overdose I need to do something to knock me out. Knock me off the ledge. I’m trapped in this body and I want to set my soul free . 

That was my vent but now I’ve taken phenergan and temaze to go with my oxazepam haha hopefully a good sleep awaits. I’m so guilty. I don’t want a partner. I don’t want to destroy someone the way I destroy myself. I literally am a disaster but I smile and laugh my way through. I just need to cut but. Always a but: I regret it in the morning, I don’t want anymore scars, I don’t like letting my mum down, I don’t like being labelled psychotic, I don’t even get relief more satisfaction but even then I have to need stitches to know I’ve done a good job then I have to go into hospital and be admitted, I can’t afford that so I must overdose to fight these thoughts. Maybe under my bra line? So my bra will rub and hurt. Idk I have to I feel like I have no choice. Sighs* 

90

Today would have been grandpas 90th had he been alive. I don’t feel sad because he is already dead. If anything I almost resent him for dying? Classic abandonment issues here haha bpd. 

I have one more day of placement tomorrow and I can’t be bothered cutting myself tonight. I feel so strange like I keep saying I’m dead inside but I really am I’m so numb. It’s the only word oh maybe empty? Which I know is chronic bpd symptoms but really? Surely there is something going on here. I can feel physical pain but nothing emotionally I only know how to act because I’m smart enough to read situations. I be what I need to be whether that’s confident, agreeable or bagging. I’m a fraud. A complete fake. Acting is exhausting and doing placement is really tiring because I have to be switched on. I wonder if I will even be a nurse by the end of this or will I just fail. I think I’m setting myself up to fail. Gosh 

Numb as a /?$)?;

Here we are again boys and girls in bed by 7pm and contemplating death. Mainly cutting but where does that get me? I haven’t cut my wrists since before placement so that’s two weeks. But there’s no room on my wrists only room down my arm but I don’t want stitches I can’t keep doing this can I? It’s getting to nice weather and all you see on me is scars. It’s disgusting. I tell guliable patients it’s cat scratches haha fuck. Wish I could eat normally wish I could breathe normally. I just want to be hit by a truck and disappear. That would be for the best. 

I have a doctors appointment coming up this week and have to see one of the hot medical students first great get to embarrass myself some more and have them see how fucked in the head I am like do I even have opinions or do I just believe and go with what others say? I’m such a fake. So fake. Everyone thinks I’m so happy bubbly and confident and normal. I know we all have our demons but my demons want to destroy me. Every minute of every day. I’m so good st acting when really I’m numb so numb it’s depressing. Now I’m thinking after next two days I can cut again? Should I hold off? Or Just cut under bra line some more? Oh self harm thoughts will you ever leave me? 

Am I constantly dissociating or am I just dead inside? I can’t remember anything anymore and I’m barely passing uni. I do the work but my referencing is shit and my references are never credible fml if I fail a topic I will actually cry. Well no I don’t cry anymore but I would feel like crying! I wish I could cry and let emotions out like a normal person. Wow I’m an actual mess. But on the outside I have it all together. If I cut is that attention seeking cos I intend on getting stitches. Dang it. I don’t know if I can wait until after placement to cut. I need to feel and see I’m alive. It’s never enough. I will never be enough. 

Place to vent

I made a new insta account to vent on. I’m happy about it it’s what I need. I’m such a fucking mess. I overdose every night and cut regularly. But cutting my ribs is not as satisfying as ribs. The drugs are working I’m fading away. It’s the only way to avoid cutting. So thankful for my loving cat. I’m so numb like I feel nothing. I don’t attach to anything only my cat. I just don’t care. 

What comes after death? Silence or happiness? I just want to know. Is it painful? Do we wander the earth? Suicide sends me to hell. I’m so scared but so suicidal. My blood pressures in the 80s from purging and restricting not that it matters. I’m fat as a cos anyway. I’m a hermit I’m no one. 

Suppress and depress

Okay so where to begin. I feel like I can’t vent on my account on instagram due to the public and shit and my job it’s just not respectable. This blog is a secret and my only voice. I can’t bare to tell anyone how bad I’m doing because it’s looks like I’m doing so well from the outside! I’m broke, lonely and sad. But at least I’m tanned. I’m hungry and fat. It never ends. I hate my body and I just medicate it. No one will ever love this mess. That’s the blunt truth. No wonder I have no friends in this town. But I have my cat and I think he likes me. I’m just so exhausted like I want to sleep forever. And then my nightmare continues and I wake up drenched in sweat. It’s horrendous. No one understands how much I’m falling apart. I’m so broken and I have no where to turn. My psychiatrist is too busy, my psychologist would side track me and my mental health nurse would just downplay it. Like is this Just life as a borderline or are my days numbered? I wish I had someone to make a plan with. I wish he would text me back. I wish I had someone who cared. I wish I wasn’t alone. I wish so much and the reality is none of it will come true. The fact is there are more than one person out there for everyone. “The one” is a facade I’m sorry. We all adapt we all move on in time. 

Suicide prevention day.

No I’m not okay I’m sick of people preaching raising awareness of suicide when it does jack shit for anyone. If someone wants to take their life they do you can’t raise awareness you can only be nice to people and know the implications of your actions. Suicidality and suicide ideation awareness is more fitting. Fuck I know people are trying to raise awareness and that’s good but I’m so angry. I think because I’ve failed so many times? Now I just play with fate. I’m a mess. I can’t cut because I’ve ran out of places and I don’t want bandages all over my arms in this weather but really I’m not doing because I know how judged and but I’m so judged and I feel so ugly. I’m a freak. I’m broken I feel nothing and so much. I’m just so exhausted. This medication this depression is exhausting. Life is exhausting and I don’t know how I’m going to cope with placement or life I have so much uni work to do but instead I spend my day lying in the sun and going to bed at 7 pm. God I’m so tired so I took a bunch of anxiety and antipsychotic meds to drown out the thoughts. Drowningggg 

So tired

I let everyone down including myself. I just have to cut. And now I need stitches which I won’t be getting because I’m too ashamed to seek help. I do my placement in the same hospital in 3 weeks I can’t have them looking at me like this. No personality at all. I’m a mess now but will hopefully wake up a different person again. I’m so numb and lost in emotion. I’m so ashamed. How do we pretend everything is okay. I’m so fu-(cked 

I don’t know

I’ve always been different. I’ve always had unstable relationships. Brief and incomplete. I’ve always seeked attention then isolate. I want people to care. But then I don’t really care if they do. I don’t really know what I am I just don’t understand. They say I’m borderline personality disorder but it’s so common. I don’t feel common. I don’t know others like me. I feel alone. Or maybe I want to be. I can’t stop cutting I just can’t. My ED and depression are all stemmed I believe from BPD and the anxiety is just thrown in there. I just don’t care for myself. I’m ashamed of my scars they are constant reminders and I can’t change that. I just want to keep cutting but I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I tell people what they want to hear and I act how I’m meant to act but really I’m nothing. I’m so scared. Scared all the time people will see me for who I really am. But people make assumptions and I can’t change that. I can’t control anything. I’m a hot mess. I don’t see my life unfolding. I can’t think ahead. I can’t plan a future because I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in anything anymore. People don’t understand. But I understand others. I understand everything so clear. It’s black and it’s white but I know right from wrong. I have no control of my disordered speech. I’m just wasting time. I am nothing. This needs to end. But never is a good time. What am I? Who am I? What am I doing? Is this BPD!? I feel so different. My thoughts are so confusing. Zombie zombie zombie. 

Relapse U-turn

So here we are . I’ve come out the other side of the relapse pro recovery. Talk about an anorexic bipolar moment but fuck I don’t care what I weigh and why should i? I’m going to eat intuitively when I’m hungry and what I want. Ain’t no banana bread going to hold me back. And now I’ve run out of pantoprazole and forgot to get a script for it my stomach acid is intense but I feel like I’m actually digesting better? If but I’m not going to let this illness be the death of me again. What a statement haha. I’ve realised I love chocolate so I’m going to eat chocolate; simple. I can’t work and study without fueling my body it’s stupid and setting me up to fail. I see that now and I put my job and nursing career first. 

I’m also fighting a terrible cold! It’s been on and off for weeks I hate this is rsyher just have it and recover not take a tablet or syrup constantly. I take so many vitamins like literally must be doing something right! 

Intensive day at uni tomorrow doing easy peasy stuff. Smash it no doubt. Looking forward to placement in September. Time to shine. / Make it or break it. I realise I am a good person and my ideals are good. I’m proud of who I am becoming. Judy hope I’ll make a good Mum one day. If I ever get married like I just don’t see it on the cards for me I see a career and cats. Which is fine but I wanna be knocked up at some point lol I need to study more but my energy is 0. My care factor is 0 and I’m pretty sure I failed that test today because the time limit scared me and I didn’t bother finding the right diagrams. 

I think I need to up my olanzapine cos every emotion I think I feel I just think I need to cut myself. Like all I wanna do is cut. It’s so distracting but I can’t get stitches cos I refuse to be that embarrassed and Let my emotions show. Like I cut my ribs now but what do I do come summer in a bikini? It just seems I might as well cut my wrists and have people find out. I’ve got it mapped out where to cut and oh when I do I’ll feel so accomplished and content. And probably nothing at all. Cutting is such an unhelpful behaviour but all I’m good at. What’s one more scar? People already stare. I like looking after wounds. Maybe I like something being wrong with me. Am I that fucked up? Am I attention seeking? I don’t know what I am but this is the only place I display my thoughts. I need to sleep but I need to cut but it’s never deep enough and then I can’t stop. No more scars. They never fade. Red and ugly. I’m such a fool. This is classic BPD. Classic borderline stuff. And there’s nothing to fix that you can only manage it so maybe I should take my medication but is therapy a waste of time? Like depression is s part of BPD that’s not going to change. I’m not going to change. 

I can’t feel

I’m sorry to report I’ve made some more stupid decisions and don’t know what’s going to happen. Not one person understands what’s going on. I can’t confide in anyone properly. I’m dying inside and I can’t even cry because I can’t feel a fucking thing.i can’t get help because no one can help me. I can’t ring a hot line and waste their time I’m just dangling with dangerous behaviours. Soon I will be unconscious and soon I will be happy. I am safe. I have my cat. I have work tomorrow but how. How can I conform to society like this. Fake this. God I need help but I won’t accept it. It’s just time 

What is going on!

This is hell. It’s been what three days and I know this is hell and it’s all wrong wrong wrong wrong. No one wants this life of dry skin and constipation and feeling like death all the time, having no energy being fed bycan NG tube omg just fucking eat something. 

I had to google what this feeling was in the back of my throat and I realised it’s hunger! How messed up is that. I’m literally in tears because this is so humiliating and pathetic. I just need to eat but this mindset is killing me. I feel like going for a run now. I’m cold and coughing but I’m thinking of going for another run? Then maybe I can sleep. Yes good idea. Off I go now 

Help

Where do I begin? So I’ve decreased my olanzapine and completely stopped my lamotragine. So olanzapine gone from 20mg to 5 and baby I’m struggling! Yesterday I was convinced I was going to cut. The whole hour to uni all I could think was where I would and when I would do it. I bought bandages and searched to buy a scalpel but couldn’t find one. Then I got to uni and the girls reminded me I have a life to live and made me feel so pathetic in my thinking. They don’t want a class mate who cuts themselves like how fucked is that! I’m so embarrassed at uni and hold back because of my scars I don’t want them to see me as odd or fucked up but that ship has sailed. Any who that’s BPD then the depression has been so much better! I can’t explain it. But routine has been the best thing for me. And now the ED has popped up again. I wasn’t purging and I had gained weight and then BAM now I’m forgetting to eat but refusing to conform to eating at times on the clock I want to eat intuitively. So I’ve been starving unknowingly and then now purposely, only eating safe low calorie foods and coffee and diet cola. How did I end up back here? I don’t think I’m fat I just am afraid to eat and that I’m going to explode but I know if I was fat it wouldn’t matter like my life would still be the same? So why aren’t I eating???? Why feel this way? I can’t figure it out. Like I see the symptoms and my lips are dry, I’m bloated, I’m constantly hungry, I started excessively exercising as of today until I threw up and now my asthma is killing me. Like I might actually go to the doctors tomorrow it’s that bad. 

But it won’t stop me exercising. I’m already planning when to go out. Fuck these thoughts. Is it losing weight? What is it about this torture am I addicted to? Do I just want to destroy myself like? If it’s not one thing it’s the other. This constant tetor is hell but today I sat on the edge of a cliff and thought so I just end it now? I walked along the highway and thought about jumping in front of a truck. But my point is I chose not to and didn’t feel all that compelled to. So at long last I’m not suicidal but an ED is kind of suicidal. I just feel like such a fake being weight restored and struggling. Like people don’t notice. And I have so much food going to waste I can’t bring myself to eat. It’s so sad. I feel so useless! Worthless ! This is all in my head. I just need to eat. 

Oh and my doctor wrote s referral to see a new psychiatrist to basically assess my medications if nothing else, as suggested by my psychologist which I don’t think I really need any more or am I just manic anywho hue doctor wrote I was bullumic! I think maybe with my purging subtype he just remembered I purge and didn’t think about it. But I think that’s what may have sparked my relapse because I don’t want bullimia but what anorexia is okay? Haha ED logic. I just need to control myself that’s what it’s all about. Control. And I remembered they only started olanzapine for my ED so has reducing it done that? We will see. But I had gained 3kg out of no where and was blaming the olanzapine so we will see if I wasn’t so afraid to weigh myself . 

I don’t want to be sick. I want to thrive in nursing and live a life worth living and besides I’ve given all my small clothes away so I really need to maintain but can’t starving maintain? Oh so many thoughts in my head and no one to share them with. 

So I whinge on here sorry but it’s good to have somewhere to turn even though it probably scares and disturbs people. 

So I sit here now barely being able to breathe and watching the bachelor wishing I was one of these gorgeous girls but instead I am me and I look like a 16 year old and Do I think I will find someone? Not someone I want. I could get sex if I wanted but I don’t want the whole emotional thing. I honestly don’t think I have time for a relationship. 

For now I love my cat and he is my soul mate. 

I think that’s enough rambling for now. Good night 

Nightmares

So many nightmares. I got through today but now I’m crying. Maybe I shouldn’t have reduced my medication but what have I got to lose? I’m already a mess. I don’t know if can handle uni. It’s so much work but without it I’m nothing. I hate trying to plan a future it leaves be so open to vulnerability. I know my issues I know I’m depressed that’s why I get nightmares. I never grew out of it. I never grew up. I’m just a child trapped in this hell of a body. This bodyvi keep trying to destroy. This body I keep harming. Probably haven’t self harmed in 3 weeks. I’m about due but I’ve been doing really well I thought? I’m just so sick of life and all it’s antics. All this mumbo jumbo crap people pull. How long do I have to put up with this shit? How long do I have to be alone? Where is my cat when I need him? 

Anger

I’m so angry. About life about everything. Why and how are people so stupid? You reply and leave me out of it. I have no friends because I chose not to dwell on relationships. I’m not a relationship person so I’m going to end up old and alone. Idk what my standards are but old and alone is my future. Maybe a few cats. Fuck knows with nursing I can’t handle the maths side of as I’m too darn thick so fml there. Ditched uni today and just watched greys anatomy now been in bed since 7 because why not? Bed is the only place I can be myself. I can lie here and know nothing is perfect, I can solve life issues and I can kinda relax. Yes I’m s hermit yes I look forward to bed time but fuck what else do I have? Unibtomortow. Kmn I’m so sick of bulkshit. I keep meeting shitty people but I want to fit in but then apart of me doesn’t care doesn’t get involved in politics. I think maybe I should just be a carer and go no where else in life so I’d have more time to sleep. They don’t like me at work anyway. I need to just get rid of myself and stop burdening everyone. Fuck I’m a burden on the system 

The hole

It started slowly now it’s out of control. I can’t do this not again. I must maintain regular eating. I must not purge and I should try to meet a calorie minimum but fuck eating is hard. Or I’m just overthinking it. Apparently I look tired and worn out. Well I bloody feel it. I’m so scared. This won’t kill me quick but is that why I’m resorting to this behaviour? As it subconsciously leads me down that path? This is torture. Why do this to yourself? Who are you trying to impress or prove this to? I’ve been the anorexic one I’ve been that sad girl now it’s time to leave this burrow and live life! That’s my attempt on positivity. Who am I kidding? Tomorrow will be worse as I slowly restrict but I won’t lose because it won’t last. I’ve just got to ride this wave. This will be over soon. Hang in there sare! But surely omg there I go again justifying my behaviour. “ fruit is safe” so I’m eating more fruit, specifically jelly fruit cups. Please lord help me. And just to add to complaints my neck is killing me. And I spent all of my day not noticing how bad my tanning face gel looked. One more day of this stint then back to nights next week after 3 days of uni. Over this already, this never ends. I’m exhausted I just want to crawl deeper into my hole and sleep. That would be lovely. 

Idk anymore

I’m not sure what I’m thinking. I’m determined not to settle in this body. I must lose weight and be small again. I’ve done it twice I can relapse again. When will it kill me? Is that what I’m hanging on to? Do I miss the attention of people worrying about me. Probably worse now actually I just don’t know what way to turn. I don’t understand this body and I don’t want to. I feed myself and I shower two major wins everyday, two commitments to living. Work tomorrow and I’m stressing. Then work every day for 4 days. Where will I find the energy of motivation? Fuck my life haha dramatic I know but I just want to sleep. This depression is exhausting, 

Medication to numb the soul and sedate me before I do something I’ll regret. I’m so lonely. I’m in black. I feel nothing 

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to

It’s finally the day after my birthday the day I wanted to sleep, and I did, overall though it was an unexpected productive day. My mums trying to help me as much as possible. So washed my car! After buggy racing on the weekend. Last time in the buggy was pretty sad but I had my best friend come to visit Saturday night and we ate so much food I’m still exploding and have gained a kg but do I really care? Yes I do. Has it impacted what I eat? Yes and no. Do I purge as a result? Yes unfortunately fuck. I’ve taken prn because I felt this coming on. Do I miss looking anorexic? Yes. Have I really changed? I believe so yes. Do I want a relationship with someone? Not really. Do I isolate? Heck yes haha am I happy doing so? Mostly yes. I don’t get out much, bed and suicidal thoughts are too consuming. But alas I got my uni results today and I got two distinctions and two passes ! So I’m very happy. Actual felt proud and my parents were proud too which melted me. All my hard work paid off I can’t believe it. Can I do this? Hell yes I can. Will I stay committed? I’ll try. But I’m starting to see a future well I’ve planned a holiday in November and placement in September. I have a future I just need to see it and trust it. I’ve got the. I think? Trust Sarah! You will achieve ! Will I ? Argh so many questions not enough answers. I’m in pieces but I’m functioning solely. I don’t want to weigh myself tomorrow as it will decide what I consume as it slowly consumes me. Argh this battle never ends. I just wish my body reflected it because all I get is stomach cramps and pain constantly. But today wasn’t too bad thanks to a lot of medication. Gosh all I do is take medicine. I can’t imagine not taking tablets I feel like a drug addiction and I probably am because I have a tablet for every symptom, I’m so ashamed of it but I have to cope and it’s all I can do. 

Like all I really want to do right now is cut but I have work for the next few days fuck. And my razor is blunt , jagged and rusty. I could break glass but I got given them for my birthday so I couldn’t dare. I can’t be this stupid. I could always burn but that’s too obvious and I like to see the blood flow. Wow that’s addiction. I need a new scalpel or something. What am I thinking? Every day I don’t self harm I get stronger. So I mustn’t. Fuck 

Before I go

Before I fade in to neverland I had some thoughts so I thought I’d write them down. 

So I feel like my confidence as I get older is diminishing as my depression grows. Some things I did a year ago I could not do today. I feel so conflicted that everything is a chore. An exhausting chore that never ends. I’m tired. So so tired. I just want to crawl up into a ball in bed and lay here forever. That would please me. I’m just done

Positive

I’m sick of being told to be positive. Life is not positive I am not positive. Things will get better, well maybe they wont. Maybe this is it. It’s my birthday this Sunday and I couldn’t care less. Does anyone else care? I’m not sure. This isn’t going to just go away. I’m so down this time. It crushes me. I’m too tired to care or to do anything about this. I don’t know what else to say

Surviving not thriving.

My head hurts probably my only symptom other then numb as a $)(;nt. Why am I fading? I’m out of control. I’m falling apart and you don’t know. No one knows how long I can keep this act up. I’ve taken my prn because I know it’s coming. This foreboding feeling, it dissolves me

Help

Trigger ⚠️ warning-

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Will this blog be my legacy when I die? Because I take comfort this will kill me. Whether I’m planning my suicide or not it’s going to happen probably accidentally because I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I showered at 2:30 pm today because I knew I couldn’t be fucked now but I just stood there letting the boiling water burn me. I know people care about me and I’m loved but does that matter? It doesn’t change how I feel about death. I’m hanging on by a thread or am I hanging from an extension chord in the garage? What the fuck am I doing to myself and I know I know I’m being dramatic. It’s Sarah being Sarah. No one gets me! No one understands. Well J understands and E. My mental health friends but I can’t put into words how I’m feeling why I’m crying I can’t comprehend what’s going on. I’m so lost and I know how cliche that is but you don’t understand!!! I’m dying inside and no one can save me from myself. Every day I act I play the part and I shut up, then come nighttime I realise how I’m bullshitting everyone and that I just can’t do this forever. I need to change or I’m going to die. Will I wither into nothing? Most likely. Just a number in the system. There’s no point to any of this. I just want to disappear I just want to fade away, 

Admiration in progress

Others are so smart and logical and I just feel like a blank canvas like I just stare at them and their wisdom while I breathe because that’s all I’m capable of. I’m so frikken stupid or maybe just doped out on meds. **Sighs ** I Just want to be okay but do I need someone to validate that? What is my life? Who am I even trying to be? Just be me but me is so blank. I’m not who I used to be but why not who even was that outgoing silly girl? And who is this oblivious annoying depressed person? 

Cancel out

I’m in a bad patch that much I know. Giving it my all not to cut because we all know it achieves marks that don’t fade. I don’t know what I’m thinking and I don’t know where I’m going. I’m not enough for you. I’m going to be alone for a long time because I can’t accept anyone into my life not because I’m not ready but because I’m isolating. I don’t feel like anyone takes me seriously. Is my situation mild? Am I nothing? I’m superficial. Don’t worry about me because I’m already dead inside. Do I cut more so people know I’m serious that the thoughts are real. How do I make people understand when I don’t even understand myself. I’m so thankful for my cat. I don’t want to fail. I want to go places I do want a future I suppose I just have these thoughts and voices in my head telling me to fail. Am I a mistake? Why do I put myself in these situations. Why do I write these thoughts? You tell me to write so I do. It’s meaningless and superficial but maybe I shouldn’t worry about helping others and help myself. I don’t want to make mistakes but I also understand that’s how we learn and grow. I know nothing and yet I know everything. Why don’t I convert this effort and knowledge into smarts and ace my nursing. I’m going to nail this shit and I’m going to find a facade of happiness. 

These days

I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I don’t understand anything. We just make money to spend money. Everything is from mundane to extreme and I can’t understand. I cling to medication cos it keeps me hanging on but I’m so worried about the world about life about myself about others, about the future about the present I just can’t handle this feeling of hopelessness. Do I cut to take my mind off things but what’s the point it just leaves more scars. I have enough. I’m so afraid of everything. I can’t handle this sober. What the hell is going on? 

I wish I could say something that would help someone. I wish this wasn’t all for nothing. 

Paper

I feel like a screwed up piece of paper blown around in the wind; then at night I unravel it and try to read the misprint through the blotches of blood and tears. 

I am a seed dried up in the sun without water. Without protection. flourishing without purpose. 

I am a waste of space. I improve nothing in this world. I make no difference. No one does. Leave it to God and trust in his plan. What if god has forgotten about me and left me in his to do pile? I think this is the case. Give her imposed moments of happiness and she’ll be right mate. 

Ha

So I wasn’t in a good way when an old school friend messaged and asks how I am. So sweet of someone to care! Only to proceed to send Dick pics and “wants to rip my clothes off” how stupid of me to think that someone actually cared. Is this just the male type? What is it with them. Why is everything in life about sex. I can’t trust anyone I can’t be anyone. I am nothing. So I did what one does in this situation. And the relief came over me or maybe it’s the overdose kicking in either way what’s in the past is done I can only move on as this numb mess/disaster of a human I am

Time.

I hate this rut I’ve put myself in. I’m like the big green eyed monster. Jealous of so many people getting engaged, married and having babies and I don’t have anywhere close to that. It’s hard being single. Like some people prefer this but I’m at the stage in my life where I have love to give and I want it back. All I can hope is that through my nursing degree I grow as an advocate, a mother, a person and have so much to offer the world that it will happen in the right time. With the right people. Surrounding yourself with positive influences and scare off the negatives. All will come in time. Just wait. I want it now. I’ve never been patient. But this is lifelong so I should take all the time I need. I just feel like I have no future, I tell myself I don’t because I’m surrounded by this box I’ve put myself in and I need to break out. I need to plan and I need to accomplish. 

If I failed my exam so be it I retake the topic and benefit from learning and understanding more. It will be what it will be. 

Suicidal

Okay so I’m still thinking on my feet here and I think so suicidal I’m st the point where it’s normal? Like I accept death and welcome it in a way but I actually don’t want to die I just want to survive. I really don’t care about myself I’m just living each day. I don’t really care about anything okay now that’s cliche. I care but I don’t? I just want to sleep forever. I know this is the borderline talking and also the depression but to just give up is another thing. What am I doing 

Love

Alright alright I call bullshit on love. Is there such a thing or is it just made up? Like I understand the unconditional love from a parent but not all parents like their children but do they love them? and can you have someone else love you unconditionally even though they can never truely know or understand you? Everything is out of your control. Though they say you can’t control who you love. Well I call that bullshit too I think you can admire someone and be drawn to them but throwing the word love around isn’t correct. And I’m guilty I thought I loved when actually I liked. We fall in and out but if we were really unconditional love wouldn’t it stay unconditional? You see my scepticism. Personally I don’t believe in love. I believe it was labelled as a set of off emotions how we react to people we accept. Love thy neighbour as god loves us. Well god shows us his love by sending his only son to die for us. But can we return that love? Are we obliged to? Why do we have wars? Why should people sacrifice loved ones. Why do our loved ones die and we keep loving and longing for them? How is it possible to love someone you never met? Again with the unconditional. I don’t even know if I believe in emotions because really we should be able to contain ourselves and control but what if we lose control and just resonate? Is that thinking too hard? No wonder I’ve been getting headaches lately fml . But I think we are all chasing after something that doesn’t exist. And in that case what about soul mates? Is there such a thing? Of course not as we can “love” more then one person before or after time. Can my cat be my soul mate? What are animals to us? Can animals love or do they just show affection to be fed. Positive feedback. Positive reassurance I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to discuss here I’m just so confused and depressed that I’m alone and probably always going to be because I don’t leave my box. I don’t venture and I don’t socialise. But then shouldn’t I trust the right people will find me no? You need to get out and make it happen. Which I don’t do I will Judy have to accept I won’t get married because that is rare and babies well they just legalised abortions so who the fuck knows anymore. I actually don’t know what I believe anymore and that upsets me. I hate not having justification and meaning. Ffs 

Crazy talk

So today was a fucking terrible but positive day? 

I woke up a mess shaking heartcracing so I immediately reached for medication. Which calmed me down enough but the exam was a sham. I cocked it up I just know, it was nothing like the practice exam. Oh well. I feel like everyone tries so hard at uni and I just cruise like I half arse everything. Imagine if I applied myself but that’s justvit I cbf even though it’s what I want. Oh well repeating the topic would be beneficial for my own personal knowledge. 

Then my psych appointment! When reasonably well, didn’t get through everything but ‘‘twas a long session. But it’s got me thinking. Crazy people don’t know their crazy, whereas I call myself crazy so really I’m not that crazy. Just off. Just fucked up. I shared things today that I’ve bottled up for years and it felt so good to let them out and be honest. 

Lying here with my cat I couldn’t be happier after taking pills. 

Had an argument with a skilled knowledgeable friend who tells me I’m in a box. And he is right as soon as I accept a diagnosis I put myself in that box and take comfort in it. Fuck. But how do I break out of the box is my issue? I’ve been drilled into the box so many times it’s almost like I’m trying to be there. But I’m not I want out! I just want to feel happiness! Feel joy from things not superficial so I guess we get that from relationships? God has a plan for me but I question that plan but I must trust it. I will find someone one day, one day soon I hope because I am lonely. I crave an intimate relationship. Omg I just saw the time! Enough blabbering. Good night 

Thy worry thy self

Oops I did it again. Bit of this bit of that and maybe you’ll have a solid sleep or maybe you drown on your own vomit as your heart slows. Either way. T minus one day till my exam if I don’t commit in the meantime. Still have a pulse. Still here folks. I had to do this to myself because I’m so embarrassed of who I am and the things I say and do. I’m a train wreck without a destination. A flower without petals. I am dirt on the ground. 

Fucking hell I know what I want why am I doing this to myself? How can someone so smart be so stupid. Wow I do need a psych. I am due for an admission but I don’t wanna be the patient anymore I want to be the nurse. 

I need to sleep.

Update: parents came to see me after someone rang them after something I posted on social media. They think I’m five though that’s it’s Just the exam I’m “stressing” over. Little do they realise I’m dead inside and don’t actually appreciate or acknowledge the fact I’m well I don’t know what I am. I don’t understand any of this so no wonder no one else does. I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine. Dancing with death but I’m fine 

D-day

So Friday is two days away. Friday is my exam as to whether I pass or fail my anatomy and physiology topic at uni and also see a new psychologist!! I know, I haven’t talked to anyone in such a long time because I don’t believe they can handle my issues so my team found someone with experience so we must start this bloody process all over again. I’m very ambivalent about this. Like I will know straight away if she will be able to help me and not bullshit me about life etc. hopefully she’s not an imbisal. I have to travel about 40 mins to see her but that’s not too bad if she can help me in some way. But this exam omg talk about stress. Im trying to stay positive and just take my oxazepam. Oh speaking of drugs I’ve got to that damn point of olanzapine where I have too much in my system and my jaw shakes. It’s so noticeable and all my muscles twitch it’s terrible. And then my breasts leak milk which is just lovely... damn you prolactin! 

Doctors appointment on Thursday. See how we go also getting microblafing on eyebrows Thursday! Super excited about that. Seriously though I cannot see my life past Friday. I’ve been dreading this day for so long and now it’s almost here my anxiety will crush me. My mum is driving me so I don’t crash on the way there or back. What a mess. Is there life after this??? I just need to get through. Study study study! Bring it on! 

Razors

Nothing beats the feel of a new razor. A hardware store bought one is the smoothest and deepest reaching. Pencil Sharpner ones hurt much more and aggravate the skin but it’s what I seem to have more access to. Glass is good too but you have to break it in the right position to get a fine enough cut without it getting stuck and break off in your cut. Stanly knifes are not preferred as not sharp enough or maybe mine was just rusty and old. Most likely. 

Mmmmm

This is all BS. This whole life thing. I feel what I think. I don’t believe I have emotions? Or do I perceive them as thoughts? I don’t know. I don’t pretend to know much at all. This world scares me for things in my head are darker then outsiders percieved. I talk in past tense because I don’t see s future. But future inevitably will go on with or without you. Some of us are just destined to be alone. We touch so many lives but maybe some are just not meant to touch. We gain and lose people on our lives and I really couldn’t care. That’s just it. No psychologist is going to push me to use strategies in changing my behaviours. No psychiatrist is going to encourage mental stability and no doctor will prescribe a drug that will stop thoughts provoking death. Because no one can save you if you can’t save yourself. And you can’t save yourself if you’re already dead inside

Conspiracy theory

Have you ever stopped and considered life? Today I watched “the voice” and a DJ won, like how controversial is that and it got me thinking that life is just one big conspiracy. All of it. Think politics, movies, opinions all go pursuade you go their views, and for what? Racism???Facism? This is bullshit. We have freedom of speech but do we really? Australia is a lucky country and I’m proud to be here. I just feel so depressed for places where you can be condemned for what you believe, what you wear and what you say. This world is s depressing place. 

I’m in the middle of a quarter of a century life crisis too. I feel like my biological clock is ticking like I’m almost 25 and from my past anorexia illness it has made me infertile or so I believe so I’m thinking it will take me a long time to fall pregnant so by the time I fall pregnant I will be over 30 and will I be a nurse by then? I have no idea I mean I don’t have money for a child but will I ever have the money? Why am I thinking these things? Can we ever make a difference in life is our sole purpose to reproduce? That’s all we are and all we will ever be. 

Lonely but not alone

I can see myself on surfers paradise beach. The air blows calmly as my feet sink into the soft sand. The waves crash by as it races up to my feet. The water chills me but I’ve never felt so alive. Couples walk past holding hands, children build castles in the sand as I walk on by; I’m in heaven. This feeling in my chest dissipated as I know this is where I’m meant to be. I breathe in the salty air. The freedom of breaking free. Though I am alone. Surrounded by strangers but I’m not judged I tell myself. I’m calm, I have surrendered. I have found peace. 

But alas I am not on the Gold Coast right now, though alone I lay in bed with these sad thoughts and dream of better days. Will I love? Will I be loved? I don’t know. I just breathe this stale air and let the blood stain my wrists. I’m crashing, I’m falling yet I’m ever so calm. I’m drugged. I will have nightmares tonight that’s an indefinite problem but I will sweat out the fear. I’ve always dealt with nightmares it’s not going to change anytime soon. I accept that. 

I will dream of flames and burning, fears of eating crying, children lay dying and feel the pain of it all. 

I am alone and I think that’s how it’s meant to be. Waiting for someone to come along but I know better. I could confess more but I’m depressed enough tonight. Good night my pretties xx 

Photographs

Love? Pain? Depression? Life? Medication? Living within these holes we fade away. I feel so ——-. I want to —————-. Please. Why?

I feel the burn of the flame on my skin as it seeps into my blood. My blood it flows. How I fail. I’m sorry. Why? 

I do it all. I know what to do, I have the help but I’m so stubborn and maladaptive like what do I like this??? Do I rely on others? Why can’t I be in charge of my own life. Sighs*** but I am she says. That’s the power and yet here I am in pjamas at 5pm and overdosing to sleep even though I’m forever exhausted. 

I’ve googled it and I’m diagnosing NISD, nighttime induced suicidal disorder. Never heard of it? Neither have I because I just made it up. But I did google my questions. Mentioned about bipolar swings but nothing as quick as my okay day to nighttime suicidal depression. They mentioned something about when your routine slows down the symptoms seap in. Probably has some truth to it. Idk what I’m talking about though I’m sick of diagnosis I’m sick and tired of “illness”. I feel bad so many people try to help me but can’t because I’m just a stupid idiot withering in the shadows of death. I’m obviously comfortable here. Fuck I just want to cut fuck fuck fuck 

Questions

I question everything. I’m not present. I’m nothing. I’m so lost. I I I. I’m fine. Im just not honest with anyone wait there is ONE person I can be fully honest with J. You know who you are. Judge me hate me I couldn’t care. I’m drowning in a world of tears. I breathe in combustion. Fuck. I keep telling myself I’m fine I’m fine but I’m not. My anorexia has been back for months and I’m going to weigh myself in the morning and the number will only motivate me. Whether it’s high or low. I will lose this excess. I’m comfortable with this. But I’m not? I know I won’t be happy? Do I want it to kill me this time? I don’t know but I need to run. Tomorrow is a new day. By an attempt of gaining control I will lose control. I like being around others as it gives me permission to eat but when I’m alone it’s different. I’m so disappointed in myself. Is this part of my bpd? I’m scared. This foreboding feeling is iminant. Ana is back and she says she staying, but really did she ever leave? 8 years of hell. Fml. What is wrong with me 

No ones going to save me not even myself

Here we are again. Writing in my suicide note book. Going to plan my funeral actually. Makes me happy to know I will die one day. Just need to take that last breathe. Let go. Because I don’t know what I’m holding onto. I can’t leave I can’t disappear. What has and what will become of me? Will I ever be a nurse? Will I ever be a mother? Will I ever be happy? I feel like I will never die but the end is probably closer than I think and I should take comfort in that. 

My negativity has no end I know. I don’t mean to be so pessimistic but alas I am. I can’t see the good I do and I can’t see it within myself. I can’t allow myself to ever love I can’t allow myself to feel. I am numb. I need to cut but what good will it do? Momentary pleasure but it won’t last. I know people care I know too much about life about death. I’m in too deep. I can’t handle this. I’m not going to die from these tablets but they numb the darkness even just for a moment. I am a zombie but I’m alive? What’s worse? Living in this despair or living in fear? Of disappointing others, well I do that anyway. Would they be better off without me. Probably. I just need to do the right thing and let them go. I need to push everyone away and I need to disappear. My cat won’t live forever. I can understand those that kill their families. Saving them from this world so full of hate. Who am I kidding? Why do I do this too myself? I’m too close. I’m going to always be alone because I can’t love I can’t feel. I know who I am and what to do? But for what ? Why? Why bother about a life I will never know. I don’t think I’m even depressed. I’m probably not borderline. I’m dead already. I take pleasure in anorexia. Now Tomorrow. I tell myself now I will starve because it hurts less. But I’m starved of oxygen. I’m drowning so deep and each day I come up for air I a wave takes me. I make myself oblivious and I breathe. I am nothing. Just a mind in a corpse of hate and negativity. Positive affirmations sure but the thoughts come back. Why can’t anyone understand???? I’m so lost I can’t explain. I’m such a ducking mess. I need to isolate I need to disappear. The drugs are working and I think I’m finally falling asleep 

The broken break us

So I was fine. Well not really but I ventured to uni anyway though it was a class of 4. I did what I had to. I was in control and then my heart started racing and my chest was pounding. I had to leave. It always happens after lunch and I couldn’t handle it. I had diarrhoea and felt like I was going to be sick and alas I was several times on the drive home. I took my meds and talked to someone. I had to pull over from crying and screaming. I was not in control. My medication needs to be taken regularly but the more I take it the more hypnotic state I’m in and can’t retain new information. I’m a zombie. Can I really do this degree in another state of mind? I’m basically comatosed. I don’t know the stress is killing me. Not the uni work but the classes. Is this really what I want? Will I make a good nurse? I think I could but how far must I push myself through unnecessary stress that is irrelevant to uni. I just feel I’m going no where which is so untrue because I’m growing as a person and becoming a better human being. Maybe I’m freaking out because I’m scared I will love what I become? I’m scared of applying myself and scared of achieving great things. And on the other hand headspace keep contacting me but in a months time I will be too old for their services so what the hec do I do now? I can’t afford a psychologist in my town so I will continue my psychiatrist from SEDS appts. 

I can’t drop uni because I don’t want to fall behind the others. But my mind is in pieces and I’m broke. Dear oh dear. I just want to escape and read my novel but I’m oh so tired so I must try to sleep. I love bed. 

Time to complain

I’m sorry to winge but I have no one to winge to and I need to vent. 

Woke up in so much pain this morning dizzy and shit shit shit. So I pulled out of work which I can’t afford and spent the afternoon vomiting besides medication. I’ve had this headache for days and my stomach is KILLING me! I don’t know what’s going on other than a simple migraine. Please god grant me sleep

Confession

It’s getting worse and you don’t know. The weight is too much to bare. I’m a senseless exuce of a person. I want nothing more than to change but I’m full of so much hate so much regret. I’m so stupid. I feel like I have to prove myself that I’m worthy but how can I when all I want to do is slice my head off and watch the blood pool on the floor as I drift into another state of being. I can’t sleep cod I have so many nightmares. I can’t explain them. They’re awful. So morbid. Demons half eaten faces. Fire, pain drowning, everyone I care about dead hanging and I can’t save them. The soldiers come they tape us children and burn our houses down. I can’t express the pain I’m in. So much mentally and physically. My body is so weak I’m so tired I can’t handle this but I have no choice. 

I don’t want to eat I don’t want to sleep. I want nothing more than to be a bird. To dance the ballet of a dove. To be free to fly, to soar, just to be. 

I’m sorry if someone reads my sadness but I’m bursting with death. 

My blogs used to be so meaningful and now they are a pure vent. One day I will be a bird. One day I will fly but thst day is not today and I don’t think it will be tomorrow. 

Numbness engulfs me and money controls the worlds. I’m going to be sick again because it’s safe its comfortable. People stop commenting to me. My clothes will change. My makeup stays in the draw. I don’t care for myself and I don’t care for you. I have no love to give I have no love to receive. My heart is crushed and has ran away. Will you stay? But you don’t care you don’t know me. I’m not happy I never was. I don’t believe in this I don’t believe in anything other than the sun will rise tomorrow and again the day after. I’m ill and I can’t tell you what it feels like. I’m burning out and maybe I like it maybe this is the beginning of the end or maybe this is death and dying takes you to the real place. This is just a short journey we must go through before god sets us free. 

Holly fuck I am a mess. Just let me go is all I can ask. I’m not worth the sadness. Walk away and be happy.

 There is no next time this is do or die. I’m going to keep doing but I don’t know for how long and I don’t know why. 

Finishing sentences

When the world makes you smile there is one thing for sure it will never last. 

I say fuck this and fuck that but I never actually know what the fuck is going on and what’s going to fucking happen. My eating disorder is back in action in hope tocontrol my borderline. And I’m fucked. I can’t do this but my psych doesn’t care my nurse is avoiding me and I’m nothing’s I’m a worthless idiot who needs to just fucking neck themselves. Why am I like this? What makes me say these things,why did I just punch my face what the fuck is going on 

Sleeping awake

Had my last day of placement today. Totally fucked it up but hey that’s me these days. In so much pain in my stomach and vowels like it’s just IBS I’m fine, it’s just a headache, it’s just my joints I’m just exhausted. But I’m fine it’s all in my head. I’m fine. I slept all afternoon and now in bed at 6:30. Does anyone care? I’m going to Judy lone it from now on not contact anyone and see who contacts me. Maybe all my complaints are just my depression. Fuck. I should just go off all my meds what’s the fucking point. I’m drugged to the point I don’t care. I’m ignoring phone calls I’m ignoring emails I just don’t care. I’m not in a good place and I don’t know where it came from I thought I was doing okay I thought I was getting better but I’m not. This is the end of me. 

Doomed

I don’t know how I get into this position. I can see the reasons to go and they outweigh the reasons to stay. Don’t worry I’m safely drowning in my own pity. I just can’t help myself. I don’t think I want to because this is all too familiar and I’m scared of the future. Makes sense. I’m trying to stop but it’s all I’ve known for so long how do I let go. 

Survival is the key

I was doing so well and that second I let my guard down it comes flooding back like a roaring wave of worthless despair. 

I have a purpose, I have drive (sometimes) I have a good life, a good life worth living. But is it really worth living if I’m plagued by these thoughts? The thoughts never stop and I have the skills I know what to do but I don’t care it’s easier to just take a tablet then endings in behaviours. Confession: I’ve been purging as a form of self harm but now I’ve stopped I neeeeeed to hurt myself. The things I say the way I am, I try to act so perfect when actually I say the dumbest things and propbably perceived as an idiot. I’m so embarrassed by myself like it’s so easy to kill myself and avoid it all. There is one easy fix and I keep fantasising about it. How sad. I am the black my thoughts are so dark. Surely Just one little cut wouldn’t matter. On my ribs where no one can see just a little bit of pain. Just to cope. No one will know. Then! I need to lose weight Ana says. “You will be happy” which is BS! I know anas path and I endulge in it too often. I can’t be the girl with problems. Omg I wish I could have someone to be with to love me so I wouldn’t have to do these things. I have my cat, he is my responsibility. I can’t cut. But I must. I’m so unhappy but I’m so alive. Why do I do this. Why must I be in such physical and mental pain. I have this burden so no one else has to carry it and maybe one day I can help someone. But who can help me? 

Tomorrow questions

Alas I’m now vegetarian again but still trying to eat chicken but it’s hard. I don’t like eating animals I never have. I was vegetarian for 6 years when I was a teenager. Now I’m back there. And now I feel I’m gaining insight and possibly control of my bpd through medications, positivity and my wellness plan. But I must not become complacent as we all know how quick things can change. 

It seems when the bpd is under control the ED flares up and vice versa. Fuck. 

I’m struggling my dears. Restricting and eating a cleaner diet. Still managing 60cal coffee and apples this relapse which is good! Trying to maintain my gluten free diet to avoid purging necessarily. 

I didn’t go to uni today and discovered I will not receive extra points as I missed the adaptive quiz’s or when it said 10/10 turns out there was 20 questions but my computer DID NOT display that! Arghhhhh. Failure it feels. Though I’m flourishing I wonder how my exams will go with my anxiety as my medications dull my senses ie memory and recall but without them I forget everything under stress. Fuck. 

Another placement at meals on wheels tomorrow. Can’t say I’m looking forward to it but at least it’s meaningful. I just feel so helpless and useless. So hungry right now. Need to sleep. Tomorrow is another day 

Happiness

Things that I believe make me feel happy: 

1. The sound of rain when lying in bed 

2. My Pusey cat curled up next to me in bed 

3. Lying in bed

It’s clear bed makes me happy ❤️

Fake a smile and lie today

So I made it to placement and was the longest 5 hours but hey I did it then slept the afternoon. The real issue is that I feel like a fake. Like I’m faking depression if I don’t cut myself. I mustn’t be suffering unless I show it by cutting or starving or purging. Like otherwise I’m invisible it seems. Like I don’t want people to know my life story but I don’t want to be classed as lived a sheltered life like I’m incompetent and judged as being weak when I’m strong, independent and can clarify anything. 

Bit pissed off my ex is coming down on the weekend to finally get his car and let’s hope boat, but what’s the bet he drags it out another few weeks. Seeing him will really distress me because I just want to punch him in the face for the way he treated me. I thought I was the problem and hated myself and lost myself completely only to start lithium and see clarity of the situation that was being emotionally abused. The thing is he doesn’t probably even realise he was doing it. All his traits everything about him. But alas Ive moved on from rambling about the things he would say and do.  though it’s scared me from ever being in a relationship at this stage I know what I’m not looking for. I never thought I would be so bitter about all this but that’s just how things are. 

Back to faking. 

I think I’m also a fake because well I’ve come to the conclusion I’m probably not going to commit suicide. Though I idolise it so much I’m probably too lazy to do it in ways that would succeed. There’s just so many ways to do it but they effect so many more peoples lives than you realise and I hate upsetting people. I don’t want a funeral and I don’t know how I’d like to be remembered because since gaining weight after anorexia I’ve gained so much insight that my new life has just begun and I can do anything I want and be anyone I want. I want to be kind. I want people to like me for who I am as a person and know I’m trustworthy and decent. I want to be loved. I want to forget about borderline personality disorder and have meaningful relationships. 

I want a life! I want to then get married and have babies and have meaning. I’ve never wanted that. So what’s my life expectancy?? I don’t even know. I’m still taking one day at a time. One hour one minute because things can change in an instance. 

Today I gained insight into the kind people that donate their time to cook meals for the elderly. There are so many kind and generous people out there and I want to be one. 

Tainted by oxazepam

2nd day in a row of uni and I’m dead. The whole drive there I was considering crashing into a truck, but some olanzapine drove me in the right direction though made me almost fall asleep in class. I love what I’m doing and I want to succeed but I’m so exhausted. Like I just need to sleep for a month and I’ll be right. I’ve been in bed since 6:30 and then tomorrow have my first placement which I was considering abusing laxatives so I wouldn’t have to go but I chose not to. I will go then it’s one day done. But how am I going to cope come September for ten days??? When I can’t even cope 2 days. How long can I keep kidding myself? I’m just so tired. I sleep, I study and I work. That’s my life. And if I don’t do it now I never will. I was thinking on the way home with a McCafé coffee. A tall vanilla soy latte my fave. I was thinking about what my psych has told me about my commitment to living. This is what I’m doing. 

Now I’m thinking I should drop a nightshift following night cos I’m exhausted. Maybe I should ring my Mum and discuss. That’s what I’ll do right now. Cheerio 

awareness months

So it’s celiac awareness and BPD awareness month! Wow wee! I’m the worst celiac in the world. Constantly disregarding my diagnosis and eating low wheat products 🌾 I’m like I feel sick and have the shits from IBS and colitis so why not bloat and die some more by gluten? Can’t resist a montecarlo biscuit and omg Smarties! Yeah I’m malnourished and my electrolytes are SHOCKING but I love hash browns. 🥔.   I wonder if it’s classed as self harm?? Haha So happy BPD week. Another illness I highly disregard and just call me crazy. They say you can overcome it but I personally disagree. Sure you can change your actions but the immediate thought will always be there. The damage has already been done you can’t reverse that. It’s like depression is a chemical imbalance but Im on antidepressants forever. So my chemicals just don’t produce. Fark I hate this. This is why I just want to be dead. Instead of feeling shit all the time. If I was normal and could go out get drunk every weekend and live life, hsve friends, a social life, have good fashion sense and be beautiful. But no I farked that up years ago. I’m learning to accept it though. I’m a bloody train wreck of emotions and fatness yet I keep eating and keep believing lies. I hate being lied to. Just be honest it’s that easy. Yes I believe I will always be alone and yes I don’t have a goal age to live to. But I have s goal to be a nurse. I think. I’m probably a shit nurse though idk why I doubt myself there’s just so much to learn and I’m just starting so it’s overwhelming. The pressure I put on myself is crumbling me. Thank god for oxazepam!!! But seriously will anyone take me seriously with all this mental health stigma? And my scars on my arms need to fade pronto! I might start covering them with concealer. I tell my patients I fell in a rose bush 🤦🏼‍♀️ 

I just want to succeed in life but I just can’t see that happening. 

Deep breathes

Deep breathes. The pills will soak up. Feel the cat snuggled beside you. Breathe. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be better. Just breathe 

Welcome to the show

Ladies and gentleman here we are again. At war with yours truely and I don’t know well I do know how to make it stop. What pleases me depresses and destroys others. I could ring but why? Why save me? I don’t deserve shit. I deserve a bullet. This numbness I can’t share. This weight I can’t bare. I’m so weak and I have a degree to do but how can I go on? 

I dropped my second contract today. I just can’t focus but work is everything to me. What am I doing? Do I have a purpose? I’m sick of forming questions! Forming lies! I’m so angry and I need to do something. I have no purpose I have no one to love. I live for my cat. But what when he dies? Gosh I’m actually starting to scare myself. I’m sorry this is not my usual blog. I’m crashing and probably need help but I should just go to sleeps take some tablets and go to sleep. Works a charm. Then the more tablets I take the more often. One day I will not wake up and that day will be a good day. I’m only human. I bleed when I fall down. Knives in my heart. I fall apart. Down down down I’m so depressing like I must just depress people whether I live or die. I’m so confused yet things are so blatantly clear. Clear as the depths of lithium. Watch me burn out cos here I go. Don’t report just better yourself. Go outside breathe. Run be free of illness. Be free of pain but we all feel pain. We all lose someone close we all have emotions no matter how sociopathic you may be. We are nothings in nothingness. Blind but see all. Empty as a shell. Lord help us move forward. Help us move on from this out of hell. I’m struggling. Now is the fight. Fight of our lives. Do or die. Fight or flight. What will you biologically chose? 

Psychosocial development lashout

So I got 55% on my first essay written in an hour the day before it was due. Simply because I had forgot (thanks depression) and the lecturers comments make me wanna neck myself. It was a ‘superficial ‘ paper and not a scholastic paper well I don’t want to be a scholar I just want to be a nurse. Now I don’t know how I’m going to cope this is all rubbish like what does being a scholastic researcher references have to do with being a nurse? What’s wrong with boois not journal artcicles and peer referenced pieces of shit. I know I’ve taken this to heart but does the lecturer realise I forgot the assignment because I was too busy cutting myself and planning my suicide like really fuck off. I’m trying to act like I don’t care cos if I take all these comments to heart there will be nothing left of me by the end of this degree. Is this the beginning of the end for me? Quit now while I’m ahead? I need to get s hold of this depression and move forward in life but I don’t know how. Nursing is propelling meinto an unknown scary world and I just feel like a failure. All I can do is cut myself. I can achieve that at least. I can take a handful of pills and maybe not wake up tomorrow. I’m being over dramatic but it’s just I’m not prepared for this! Like I won’t be able to cope with nursing the way I am. What am I doing? What am I going to do. I don’t know what to think. I have 3 exams this week and this topic will be over in a month I just hope I pass and this psychosocial development bullshit will be behind me. Ironic I’m having a development issue myself because my psychosocial life was altered by illness and admissions. I’ve developed higher in areas and not in others. My identity phase continues and my integrity crumbles. 

Depression

I feel like I have a brain tumour that’s sucking the life out of me and bleeding me dry. I’m empty, I’m nothingness. I’m barely alive but my heart keeps on beating. I feel nothing but stabs of insight into this illness. Nothing but fouthcoming blame. I smile, I am dead. There’s another tumour in my chest. Compressing my insides, crushing them to pulp. I’m choking on air like I can’t breathe. I make no sound. I am afraid of so much I can’t take this 

Fark my life

The longer I stay awake the more I just want to hurt myself. Lethal injections would be so easy.  Why do I have these compulsive obsessive thoughts. I can’t cut I have work tomorrow and would rather not be admitted. So yet again I follow my safety plan woo. I Just I can’t explain these ‘feelings’ or whatever they are. All I feel is numbness. And dumbness. Pop another pill you’ll be right mate. I don’t even know. Know anything. I can’t comprehend life I can’t think. And yes you might say we all have these thoughts and many people self harm well I don’t really care. I don’t care about anything. All is for nothing. We all die anyway

Fear of failure

im so afraid. So afraid that I’m isolating myself from the world and al it’s antics. I don’t know how long I can last. I want to do my nursing but I don’t put in the time for study. All I do is sleep.  I need to get my head straight but I’m failing hard. If I actually tried I’d be axing it but I just can’t I’m so down like I feel nothing. Im just trying to breathe. I’m so overwhelmed though I won’t afmit it. I won’t give it a chance. I want so bad to succeed but then what? Who is by myself? Sober and alone. I have friends from work but that’s where it ends. I have nothing outside of the workplace but study. Do I want another life? I don’t know. I know I’m fat though and a failure for recovering anorexia. Every night I go to bed and I’m full of regret. So I over medicate, I abuse some laxatives and enter another nightmare. I’m so afraid of the future. I’m so afraid of digesting food. I’m so afraid of letting myself down but the truth is I quit before I have the chance to try. So this should be my turn around point. Do or die. Fight or flight. When really I just want to sleep. I’m so numb. My dreams are more exciting. My nightmares I mean

Dear old Ana

Just when you think you’re doing okay and you let your guard down, oh miss Ana pops up and crushes your heart. The fear, the secrets, the behaviours! WHY!!?? I don’t want to be like this. One minute I can eat because I need fuel the next no you’ve had enough for the day x calories no more. But I think I’m hungry? No don’t be stupid you must starve. And so I suffice with a 60 calorie vanilla coffee and I know tomorrow I will be back to black coffee with sweetener. Farkkkk do I want to stop? Because apart of me doesn’t want this. Ana is in my head. Just a little more weight then you’ll be happy. LIES LIES LIES! I know this so why can’t I accept it? Arghhh the internal battle! Please give me strength to evade these thoughts and eat for wellness. #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #edwarrior #fightnorflight #boobsoverbones #foodforfuel #nourishnotpunish #nourishtoflourish #selfharm #suicide #oxazepam #olanzapine #lithiumrecovery

Deleted Instagram posts

9 years ago... when I had long luscious hair and was healthy. Before any of this shit.  I haven’t been on lately because honestly I’m pissed off. Angry at not only myself but fuming that others live such a life without infusions, injections, supplements, constant blood tests, tubes and medications like oh and can eat whatever whenever without the repercussions and have energy to live life and go out and socialise!! It’s not just my ED my health from my depression and my organs don’t respond so well after torturing them for 9 years now. So I’m Sick of being judged. Like you don’t know me you don’t understand I get it but you don’t have the right to judge me and talk about me..... I’m getting better mentally at coping with all this but I do have more moments that make me want to jump in front of a bus. So much is going on atm!! I want to update but I don’t think I’m ready to share. I’m sorry for letting you all down. Talk soon xx #chronicillness #chronicpain #bpd #depression #anorexiarecovery

So much pain. Physically I mean. Kidneys ⬇️ fever ⬆️ wheat bags ✔️ medication for every symptom 🤦🏼‍♀️ I hate this. Uni tomorrow and I feel like death then comes the depression side well wtf do I even have it cos if you have that imbalance shouldn’t medication fix it!? Yes yes now I should be pursuing my radical acceptance and throw in a half simple for bpd reactions but ffs coping mechanisms only get you so far.,, fix the goddam problem which is me. I can tell you how with the shot of a gun. Prescribe that bitches. Idk is rural and remote took me serious last night but it didn’t end well I can tell you that. Good days or bad days. Luck of the draw. Coping mechanisms but you time but how much time? What if you exhaust every measure? What if you’re just not meant for this life like why do things go wrong and were put in these positions. Hopefully I can stop being a shitty person and overcome this but 24 years is a lot to overcome. I’ll never shake the stigma people have over me but this is not how I want to be remembered . No way. Fight on my lovelies. 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 Maybe one day we will understand this mess we call life. May our purpose be found and happiness rejoiced #sucidalideation #fuck #bpd #depression

I’m just over this shit. What is the ducking point? No man is ever coming to save me from my tower of self destruction. I’m wasted on pills that numb my everlasting already numbness. I’m angry. I’m pissed and I want to hurt myself. I want to die then I don’t have to go to work tomorrow and have another shit day. I can’t sleep unless I mix it up to an overdose. I’m just fucking done always being the nice one that people walk over. From now I’m going to stand up and tell people what I really think and have them fuck off around me. I care too much and I need to step back and let go. I need to re-evaluate. I need to breathe without the crushing pain on my chest. I’m going to blog from now on. To help others and to vent. I need to ventilate my life. IM NOT HIDING ANYMORE  #suicide #depression #bpd #anxiety #distress #blogging# I’m not

In the middle of a self harm relapse which my eating disorder is taking much advantage of. But that’s okay because I’m stronger than these disorders and I most likely will have another sleepless night but that’s okay! The specialist psychiatrist couldn’t really help me today more trying to tell me to join groups and make friends. Yeah like that’s easy in this small town. Plus my social anxiety so I’m just hoping when I study next year I meet some cool people. My ED soldiers nothing is harder. Today I had one of those moments where I walked in Woolworths and all I bought was light soy milk cos I was so afraid of food. Can anyone relate?? Please send me some love I need it 😞

Once again I am struggling with food as my depression has gotten worse so I’m trying to focus on weight loss to cope. No no no! Tomorrow I will start my fortisips again and i will get past this unhealthy eating dissorder ! I refuse to let Ana take hold again now after I finally healthy. I can do this. Weight restored and I plan on keeping it that way I just need my depression under control. Psych appointment tomorrow then mental health team review Monday. Getting it done! Wish me luck! #recovery #anorexia #weightrestored 

Pulled over trying to pull myself together waiting for the pills to kick in. Blasting the music because I am nothing but numb. Numb numb numb. I don't want PTSD getting the better of me but when it's all you dream about and all you can feel what am I meant to do? I can't go home cos mum knows something is up and saw me taking me pills but I can't tell her without causing more shame. THe things I've done I just can't. I'm a disappointment as it is. I will get through this. I will. I have a beautiful boyfriend To life for.I'm going to go on the crisis helpline. That will pull me through. Do what you need to do. Fight my lovelies fight!!! Please never let the BPD win! We are so much better than this! We are destined for greatness! We are!! ❤️❤️❤️

Going under

I’m just exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can keep playing this game. I sleep 24/7 like I’m dizzy when I’m awake I can’t think. I’m struggling. I have so much to do with uni and I just keep doing the bare minimum. I thought this was what I wanted so why can’t I apply myself more? I expect so much of myself and I just can’t do it. I’m so tired. Tired of trying tired of worrying about my weight. I just want to sleep forever when I’m back in the stage where my dreams are more eventful than my life. I don’t know if I can’t keep nursing because I don’t know if I can keep living. I’m so overwhelmed with expectations and I can’t do this . I really should be in hospital but I can’t give up I have to keep going but I’m so so tired. I don’t wanna watchvtv I cant think to read I just need sleep. What is this hole I’m going in ? You can throw me a rope but I can’t hold on. I’m slipping and I can’t be saved. I’m going under again and I’m so afraid. 

Short update now 2018 - more to come

My darlings it has been over a year since I last posted but I believe now is the time to reach out and suffer the consequences. Check my Instagram.com/Sarah.fights.to.live
I don’t know where to begin. I was in an actual relationship but I mentally realised after a year of overdosing that it wasn’t the one for me. Other reasons to but to be known as a second choice again hurts. I have no value. I have nothing. I have my cat my blessing but suspect he only sometimes like me. He has stopped me committing suicide every night but what would I do if he died? I can’t commit because I have him and I’ve destroyed my families lives enough I don’t want them to find me dead. They’ve already had to break into my house to check. I’m a mess. I put on a smile but get walked over. I’ve reached a point I rely on medications because nothing else can change me for a period of time. I don’t sleep anymore and when I do it’s nightmares. I just want to disappear but I can’t so day by day I live this life of numbness and live off others emotions until now I don’t care how I act. Sure I’ll be nice but I won’t hesitate no more to reflect my views. I get walked over at work and tomorrow I’ll them to fuck off... well in a respectable manner. I do my job, care for my patients and go home. I don’t need anyone. I’m terrified of relationships because I don’t know where I stand and what’s expected. Since changing medications again the cloud that lithium evaporated is back. That’s why all I think every minute of every day how to kill myself. I’m just too lazy. Sure I cut down the road and get stitches what an accomplishment. Where does that get me? I’m worthless and lost in despair. Every day I wake up and think fuck not again. Psychologists, nurses keep calling me but I can’t answer cos I’m terrified of phone calls. It kills me.

I don’t expect anyone to read any of this this is for my personal vent. I was weight restored from anorexia but now on a sliding scale back to it. I’m scared and destroyed. I don’t know how long I can keep going. I’m exhausted. I’m studying a bachelor of nursing but will I ever finish it? Do I even want to? Like then what $50,000 later on hex and if you read my blog why would anyone hire me.
Maybe this was a bad idea



 If you want to read my daily struggles read my www.instagram.com/Sarah.fights.to.live