A daytime nightmare of survival. Mental Health Advocate A decrepit narrative of a young girls survival through chronic and mental illnesses. Starring Anorexia Nervosa & depression, deep emotional thoughts being my release of what plaques me to those you are not alone. And now we face pregnancy. Insta@chronic_survival_
Tuesday, 4 December 2018
A serious problem
Monday, 3 December 2018
The cast of lost souls
but I feel like it needs to be addressed and awareness needs to be made. If something good can come from this pit of despair I can save one of you and change your mind about suicide. Suicide is so final it is the last resort and there is no going back once it’s been committed. My latest attempt was Friday night to when I woke up at 11 the next morning to where I started again. I was on a mission. Pill after pill drink after drink they slid down my throat. I was broken. I could see no way out I couldn’t tell anyone so more pills I took until I was unconscious. My parents found me about an hour later and carried my limp unconscious body to the hospital where I was unrousable and lost control of my bladder. So they put in a catheter. They injected me with all sorts of drugs to attempt to save my life. Nothing was working. I was gone. My parents were told to say their goodbyes. It was touch and go. They finally aroused me through punching my chest constantly to which was my dad I told to fuck off. From there I was flown by helicopter to the royal Adelaide hospital. Where they continued to detox my body from the medications comatozing me. I woke up sometime the next day no idea where I was or what I had even done. I was detained by the state with a security guard always in sight. I was alive. I still don’t know if I want to be. Should I be relieved, thankful? Or regret? I don’t know how to be. Seeing my parents for the first time since it happened today was terrible. To see my dad cry after reading my suicide notes. If I have to live I have to live for my parents. I want to die and I’ve put everyone through so much pain and anguish. I’m a walking disaster. Everyone in my life is in danger of me. Afraid of walking on eggshells around me. So now I’m locked away in another mental asylum until further notice. Trying to finding the will to live. If you have any ideas how please shoot them my way?! I’m broken inside. I don’t know how to heal. One thing is that I’m in the right place. I’m surrounded by nurses, doctors and psychiatrists to protect and help me.
I have met so many amazing strong inspiring people through this journey and we are al in it together. Never alone. Don’t ever feel alone. Please seek help I can’t stress that enough. I feel like my life was coming to an end and from some grace if god he’s given me another chance. I’ve broken so much of my life. I’m broke and stuck in psychiatric wards packed full of medication but I’m alive. All thanks to the many doctors and nurses working hard to keep me safe. I don’t know if I’m happy about being alive but in a way I am thankful for a second chance and that’s what I’ve got is a second chance. So I need to call out when I’m drowning and be picked up. Your family loves you unconditionally don’t forget that. The guilt of hurting them doesn’t worry me as much as it used to as I block it off but to crush the ones your love is pretty sad. Very Grim. I’ve never had a child so I don’t know the bond but it’s obviously very powerful and special.
I just want someone to love and someone to love me back. According to my psychic I haven’t found him yet but she didn’t foresee my death either so we will see what life brings. I don’t know if I’m going to continue nursing or when I’ll get back to work if I even passed nursing. I’m kind of avoiding it. I need to man up and face it but I can’t. I don’t know. God give me strength.
So far I’m reading novels and sleeping. Good life. I say I’m vegetarian but been eating meat all day just happy to have food. Thankful for what I’m given. Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning and chance to start again.
Saturday, 10 November 2018
Another sleepless night in hell
Monday, 5 November 2018
Here again.
Wednesday, 31 October 2018
Sunday, 28 October 2018
Wtf
Sunday, 21 October 2018
So so so
Friday, 19 October 2018
My darlings
Wednesday, 17 October 2018
Will you listen?
Thursday, 11 October 2018
Between a rock and a hard place
Monday, 8 October 2018
Trouble
Sunday, 7 October 2018
Not again
Saturday, 6 October 2018
I’m lost
I don’t know where I’m at I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just want to hurt myself. I’m so empty. My nightmares are so bad. I look fine on the outside but inside I’m drowning. I pretend I’m fine but who am I kidding. It’s going to be hot tomorrow which means short sleeves which means scars out bandages out. I’m so confused and dead inside. I literally eat and sleep. I have no motivation and everything is a chore. I know I’m loved I know I’m many things but I feel like nothing. I’ve pushed everyone away and time flies by so quick. I wish I was normal I wish I could interact properly I wish a lot of things. I have a mouth ulcer and it’s killing me hahaha I kill me. I think I might overdose I need to do something to knock me out. Knock me off the ledge. I’m trapped in this body and I want to set my soul free .
That was my vent but now I’ve taken phenergan and temaze to go with my oxazepam haha hopefully a good sleep awaits. I’m so guilty. I don’t want a partner. I don’t want to destroy someone the way I destroy myself. I literally am a disaster but I smile and laugh my way through. I just need to cut but. Always a but: I regret it in the morning, I don’t want anymore scars, I don’t like letting my mum down, I don’t like being labelled psychotic, I don’t even get relief more satisfaction but even then I have to need stitches to know I’ve done a good job then I have to go into hospital and be admitted, I can’t afford that so I must overdose to fight these thoughts. Maybe under my bra line? So my bra will rub and hurt. Idk I have to I feel like I have no choice. Sighs*
Tuesday, 2 October 2018
90
Monday, 1 October 2018
Numb as a /?$)?;
Saturday, 22 September 2018
Place to vent
Tuesday, 18 September 2018
Suppress and depress
Monday, 10 September 2018
Suicide prevention day.
Friday, 31 August 2018
So tired
Tuesday, 28 August 2018
I don’t know
Monday, 27 August 2018
Relapse U-turn
Thursday, 23 August 2018
I can’t feel
Wednesday, 22 August 2018
What is going on!
Help
Wednesday, 25 July 2018
Nightmares
Tuesday, 24 July 2018
Anger
Friday, 20 July 2018
The hole
Tuesday, 17 July 2018
Idk anymore
Monday, 16 July 2018
It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to
Friday, 13 July 2018
Before I go
Thursday, 12 July 2018
Positive
Saturday, 7 July 2018
Surviving not thriving.
Friday, 6 July 2018
Help
Wednesday, 4 July 2018
Admiration in progress
Tuesday, 3 July 2018
Cancel out
Monday, 2 July 2018
These days
Thursday, 28 June 2018
Paper
Tuesday, 26 June 2018
Ha
Time.
Sunday, 24 June 2018
Suicidal
Love
Friday, 22 June 2018
Crazy talk
Wednesday, 20 June 2018
Thy worry thy self
Tuesday, 19 June 2018
D-day
Sunday, 17 June 2018
Razors
Mmmmm
Conspiracy theory
Wednesday, 13 June 2018
Lonely but not alone
Tuesday, 12 June 2018
Photographs
Monday, 11 June 2018
Questions
Sunday, 10 June 2018
No ones going to save me not even myself
Tuesday, 5 June 2018
The broken break us
Saturday, 2 June 2018
Time to complain
Thursday, 31 May 2018
Confession
Finishing sentences
Tuesday, 29 May 2018
Sleeping awake
Saturday, 26 May 2018
Doomed
Survival is the key
Monday, 21 May 2018
Tomorrow questions
Saturday, 19 May 2018
Happiness
Wednesday, 16 May 2018
Fake a smile and lie today
Tuesday, 15 May 2018
Tainted by oxazepam
Saturday, 12 May 2018
awareness months
So it’s celiac awareness and BPD awareness month! Wow wee! I’m the worst celiac in the world. Constantly disregarding my diagnosis and eating low wheat products 🌾 I’m like I feel sick and have the shits from IBS and colitis so why not bloat and die some more by gluten? Can’t resist a montecarlo biscuit and omg Smarties! Yeah I’m malnourished and my electrolytes are SHOCKING but I love hash browns. 🥔. I wonder if it’s classed as self harm?? Haha So happy BPD week. Another illness I highly disregard and just call me crazy. They say you can overcome it but I personally disagree. Sure you can change your actions but the immediate thought will always be there. The damage has already been done you can’t reverse that. It’s like depression is a chemical imbalance but Im on antidepressants forever. So my chemicals just don’t produce. Fark I hate this. This is why I just want to be dead. Instead of feeling shit all the time. If I was normal and could go out get drunk every weekend and live life, hsve friends, a social life, have good fashion sense and be beautiful. But no I farked that up years ago. I’m learning to accept it though. I’m a bloody train wreck of emotions and fatness yet I keep eating and keep believing lies. I hate being lied to. Just be honest it’s that easy. Yes I believe I will always be alone and yes I don’t have a goal age to live to. But I have s goal to be a nurse. I think. I’m probably a shit nurse though idk why I doubt myself there’s just so much to learn and I’m just starting so it’s overwhelming. The pressure I put on myself is crumbling me. Thank god for oxazepam!!! But seriously will anyone take me seriously with all this mental health stigma? And my scars on my arms need to fade pronto! I might start covering them with concealer. I tell my patients I fell in a rose bush 🤦🏼♀️
I just want to succeed in life but I just can’t see that happening.
Friday, 11 May 2018
Deep breathes
Welcome to the show
Sunday, 6 May 2018
Psychosocial development lashout
Friday, 4 May 2018
Depression
Thursday, 3 May 2018
Fark my life
Fear of failure
Tuesday, 1 May 2018
Dear old Ana
Just when you think you’re doing okay and you let your guard down, oh miss Ana pops up and crushes your heart. The fear, the secrets, the behaviours! WHY!!?? I don’t want to be like this. One minute I can eat because I need fuel the next no you’ve had enough for the day x calories no more. But I think I’m hungry? No don’t be stupid you must starve. And so I suffice with a 60 calorie vanilla coffee and I know tomorrow I will be back to black coffee with sweetener. Farkkkk do I want to stop? Because apart of me doesn’t want this. Ana is in my head. Just a little more weight then you’ll be happy. LIES LIES LIES! I know this so why can’t I accept it? Arghhh the internal battle! Please give me strength to evade these thoughts and eat for wellness. #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #edwarrior #fightnorflight #boobsoverbones #foodforfuel #nourishnotpunish #nourishtoflourish #selfharm #suicide #oxazepam #olanzapine #lithiumrecovery
Deleted Instagram posts
9 years ago... when I had long luscious hair and was healthy. Before any of this shit. I haven’t been on lately because honestly I’m pissed off. Angry at not only myself but fuming that others live such a life without infusions, injections, supplements, constant blood tests, tubes and medications like oh and can eat whatever whenever without the repercussions and have energy to live life and go out and socialise!! It’s not just my ED my health from my depression and my organs don’t respond so well after torturing them for 9 years now. So I’m Sick of being judged. Like you don’t know me you don’t understand I get it but you don’t have the right to judge me and talk about me..... I’m getting better mentally at coping with all this but I do have more moments that make me want to jump in front of a bus. So much is going on atm!! I want to update but I don’t think I’m ready to share. I’m sorry for letting you all down. Talk soon xx #chronicillness #chronicpain #bpd #depression #anorexiarecovery
So much pain. Physically I mean. Kidneys ⬇️ fever ⬆️ wheat bags ✔️ medication for every symptom 🤦🏼♀️ I hate this. Uni tomorrow and I feel like death then comes the depression side well wtf do I even have it cos if you have that imbalance shouldn’t medication fix it!? Yes yes now I should be pursuing my radical acceptance and throw in a half simple for bpd reactions but ffs coping mechanisms only get you so far.,, fix the goddam problem which is me. I can tell you how with the shot of a gun. Prescribe that bitches. Idk is rural and remote took me serious last night but it didn’t end well I can tell you that. Good days or bad days. Luck of the draw. Coping mechanisms but you time but how much time? What if you exhaust every measure? What if you’re just not meant for this life like why do things go wrong and were put in these positions. Hopefully I can stop being a shitty person and overcome this but 24 years is a lot to overcome. I’ll never shake the stigma people have over me but this is not how I want to be remembered . No way. Fight on my lovelies. 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 Maybe one day we will understand this mess we call life. May our purpose be found and happiness rejoiced #sucidalideation #fuck #bpd #depression
I’m just over this shit. What is the ducking point? No man is ever coming to save me from my tower of self destruction. I’m wasted on pills that numb my everlasting already numbness. I’m angry. I’m pissed and I want to hurt myself. I want to die then I don’t have to go to work tomorrow and have another shit day. I can’t sleep unless I mix it up to an overdose. I’m just fucking done always being the nice one that people walk over. From now I’m going to stand up and tell people what I really think and have them fuck off around me. I care too much and I need to step back and let go. I need to re-evaluate. I need to breathe without the crushing pain on my chest. I’m going to blog from now on. To help others and to vent. I need to ventilate my life. IM NOT HIDING ANYMORE #suicide #depression #bpd #anxiety #distress #blogging# I’m not
In the middle of a self harm relapse which my eating disorder is taking much advantage of. But that’s okay because I’m stronger than these disorders and I most likely will have another sleepless night but that’s okay! The specialist psychiatrist couldn’t really help me today more trying to tell me to join groups and make friends. Yeah like that’s easy in this small town. Plus my social anxiety so I’m just hoping when I study next year I meet some cool people. My ED soldiers nothing is harder. Today I had one of those moments where I walked in Woolworths and all I bought was light soy milk cos I was so afraid of food. Can anyone relate?? Please send me some love I need it 😞
Once again I am struggling with food as my depression has gotten worse so I’m trying to focus on weight loss to cope. No no no! Tomorrow I will start my fortisips again and i will get past this unhealthy eating dissorder ! I refuse to let Ana take hold again now after I finally healthy. I can do this. Weight restored and I plan on keeping it that way I just need my depression under control. Psych appointment tomorrow then mental health team review Monday. Getting it done! Wish me luck! #recovery #anorexia #weightrestored
Pulled over trying to pull myself together waiting for the pills to kick in. Blasting the music because I am nothing but numb. Numb numb numb. I don't want PTSD getting the better of me but when it's all you dream about and all you can feel what am I meant to do? I can't go home cos mum knows something is up and saw me taking me pills but I can't tell her without causing more shame. THe things I've done I just can't. I'm a disappointment as it is. I will get through this. I will. I have a beautiful boyfriend To life for.I'm going to go on the crisis helpline. That will pull me through. Do what you need to do. Fight my lovelies fight!!! Please never let the BPD win! We are so much better than this! We are destined for greatness! We are!! ❤️❤️❤️
Going under
I’m just exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can keep playing this game. I sleep 24/7 like I’m dizzy when I’m awake I can’t think. I’m struggling. I have so much to do with uni and I just keep doing the bare minimum. I thought this was what I wanted so why can’t I apply myself more? I expect so much of myself and I just can’t do it. I’m so tired. Tired of trying tired of worrying about my weight. I just want to sleep forever when I’m back in the stage where my dreams are more eventful than my life. I don’t know if I can’t keep nursing because I don’t know if I can keep living. I’m so overwhelmed with expectations and I can’t do this . I really should be in hospital but I can’t give up I have to keep going but I’m so so tired. I don’t wanna watchvtv I cant think to read I just need sleep. What is this hole I’m going in ? You can throw me a rope but I can’t hold on. I’m slipping and I can’t be saved. I’m going under again and I’m so afraid.
Saturday, 28 April 2018
Short update now 2018 - more to come
I don’t know where to begin. I was in an actual relationship but I mentally realised after a year of overdosing that it wasn’t the one for me. Other reasons to but to be known as a second choice again hurts. I have no value. I have nothing. I have my cat my blessing but suspect he only sometimes like me. He has stopped me committing suicide every night but what would I do if he died? I can’t commit because I have him and I’ve destroyed my families lives enough I don’t want them to find me dead. They’ve already had to break into my house to check. I’m a mess. I put on a smile but get walked over. I’ve reached a point I rely on medications because nothing else can change me for a period of time. I don’t sleep anymore and when I do it’s nightmares. I just want to disappear but I can’t so day by day I live this life of numbness and live off others emotions until now I don’t care how I act. Sure I’ll be nice but I won’t hesitate no more to reflect my views. I get walked over at work and tomorrow I’ll them to fuck off... well in a respectable manner. I do my job, care for my patients and go home. I don’t need anyone. I’m terrified of relationships because I don’t know where I stand and what’s expected. Since changing medications again the cloud that lithium evaporated is back. That’s why all I think every minute of every day how to kill myself. I’m just too lazy. Sure I cut down the road and get stitches what an accomplishment. Where does that get me? I’m worthless and lost in despair. Every day I wake up and think fuck not again. Psychologists, nurses keep calling me but I can’t answer cos I’m terrified of phone calls. It kills me.
I don’t expect anyone to read any of this this is for my personal vent. I was weight restored from anorexia but now on a sliding scale back to it. I’m scared and destroyed. I don’t know how long I can keep going. I’m exhausted. I’m studying a bachelor of nursing but will I ever finish it? Do I even want to? Like then what $50,000 later on hex and if you read my blog why would anyone hire me.
Maybe this was a bad idea
If you want to read my daily struggles read my www.instagram.com/Sarah.fights.to.live