Thursday, 2 June 2016
Looking at old photos I was never happy. I thought being skinny was everything and sadly I still do. In the last 5 weeks of "recovery" I've gained 5kg and now have a BMI of 15 which I feel terrible about. Everything in my head is screaming no but my body says yes. Today was weigh day and it's still eating at me (oh the irony). I long to be thin and beautiful again to have that aching feeling of starving in the pit of my stomach. Now I'm a fat whale well that's what I feel like but I see the other side of that now which I didn't 6 weeks ago which is that an eating disorder doesn't just affect you but your whole family and friend circle. I now have to suck it up and fight this bitch not just for me but for them. And in return I get a body that's working and functioning prooerly, a brain that's chemicals aren't too whacked and that's about it Haha my mind is still very much in anorexia mode. I eat too much, my thighs are fat, you're too greedy, eat slower, smoking will help you lose weight, drinking more will help you lose, just eat a little less- I could go on forever. It never stops and I don't believe it ever will. All I can do is try and be happy and make myself feel good. I pray for health and happiness. That's all I really want even if I don't believe in it I can still hope.