Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Prayers

I pray every night and ask for so many things. Only now has it occurred to me are they being answered? I pray for other people to help them and bless them but how do I know if they're being answered. I guess I just have to have faith they are. Mainly I pray for myself, for health and happiness and to accept my weight for what it is and not for what it's not. 
I'm struggling so bad with body image. I just feel like a fat cos it's awful. Every meal is a struggle. Eating is so difficult when every inch of your body and soul is screaming not to. Screaming,searching for that part of you to give in to lose weight. I have to confess I've even bought a packet of cigarettes cos I believe that will stop my hunger so I don't have to eat and somehow I'll lose weight. eating dissorder logic I know but that's what it's telling me if I smoke I will lose weight. 
Then there's me moping in the fact that I have no friends in this town and the boy I sort of like that barely knows I exist I don't have a chance with anyway. What's a girl to do. I'm trying to gain more than just weight. Hopefully that will come too if I could gain friends and a boyfriend I would gain a life. What I wouldn't give to have someone that loves me for me not the fact they are related to me. Do all these things I ask for make me selfish? Please god I know you hear my prayer but can they be answered soon because as you know I'm not patient. Yours truly Sarah 
My biggest fear is that after my 6kg weight gain already that it's not going to stop and I'll end up a big balloon. I can see it happening and it scares me so I don't know what to think

Thursday, 2 June 2016

Ed rant

Looking at old photos I was never happy. I thought being skinny was everything and sadly I still do. In the last 5 weeks of "recovery" I've gained 5kg and now have a BMI of 15 which I feel terrible about. Everything in my head is screaming no but my body says yes. Today was weigh day and it's still eating at me (oh the irony). I long to be thin and beautiful again to have that aching feeling of starving in the pit of my stomach. Now I'm a fat whale well that's what I feel like but I see the other side of that now which I didn't 6 weeks ago which is that an eating disorder doesn't just affect you but your whole family and friend circle. I now have to suck it up and fight this bitch not just for me but for them. And in return I get a body that's working and functioning prooerly, a brain that's chemicals aren't too whacked and that's about it Haha my mind is still very much in anorexia mode. I eat too much, my thighs are fat, you're too greedy, eat slower, smoking will help you lose weight, drinking more will help you lose, just eat a little less- I could go on forever. It never stops and I don't believe it ever will. All I can do is try and be happy and make myself feel good. I pray for health and happiness. That's all I really want even if I don't believe in it I can still hope.