Friday, 27 May 2016

Too much to say

I'm embarrassed just by being alive. My mental disorders show on the outside and it's killing me. Everyone knows everything and I just want privacy. Yes I'm a whacky crazy person but don't I at least deserve some respect. I'm so tired of being judged everyday by everyone, I feel their constant burning watchful eyes. I can't breathe. Living is suffocation. These are the reasons I have no friends and these are the reasons why I need to leave Waikerie. I love this town but no body in the town loves me. 

I dread going to work for no reason. Just took more medication to sleep. I'm such a druggy but I'm so suicidal and depressed. I can't talk to anyone because there's nothing no one can say to fix me and I can't find the right words anyway. What will become of me? Stay and work here or move back to Adelaide for a new adventure. I'm just so desperate to find a partner. Someone who likes you for you not all the superficial stuff but that's just it. I have all the superficial stuff but not the normal good looks and attitude. I don't know what I'm trying to say or do but I'm feeling terrible. I want to move on to the next chapter of my life but I haven't figured out what that is yet. I was hoping find a partner and move in together but how do I do that? This town is so limited so do I move back to Adelaide or what? Then I lose my family here where I'm still the kid. Next chapter come at me ! Everyone is moving forward with their lives out achieving things and I can barely manage to have a shower. Getting out of bed is like winning the lottery. I'm never going to be anybody. No one is going to love me. I should just get rid of myself and stop burdening everyone with my grief.I can barely breathe. All the carers I work with are becoming nurses and I'm just trying to live each day. I can't move forward in going backwards

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