Tuesday, 31 May 2016

So confused.

Im doing really well lately but I want and feel like the next step in my life is to find a partner. I'm not patient enough to wait for it to happen I believe k have to go out there and get it. Now that my Ed is under control I don't know what's so wrong with me. Is it that I'm crazy? My past history is s little phsyco but is that all? So I've sent a few people mainly boys messages to ask what's so wrong with me so I know how to fix it and find someone to love. All this is stuff is so hard when you're not at school surrounded by people so this is all I know how to do. Ive been watching way too much one tree hill but it's so good. Makes me feel inadequate and underdeveloped but in time hopefully I can fix that. Who am I kidding though I am a phsyco but will show who had the guts to confirm it 

Friday, 27 May 2016

Too much to say

I'm embarrassed just by being alive. My mental disorders show on the outside and it's killing me. Everyone knows everything and I just want privacy. Yes I'm a whacky crazy person but don't I at least deserve some respect. I'm so tired of being judged everyday by everyone, I feel their constant burning watchful eyes. I can't breathe. Living is suffocation. These are the reasons I have no friends and these are the reasons why I need to leave Waikerie. I love this town but no body in the town loves me. 

I dread going to work for no reason. Just took more medication to sleep. I'm such a druggy but I'm so suicidal and depressed. I can't talk to anyone because there's nothing no one can say to fix me and I can't find the right words anyway. What will become of me? Stay and work here or move back to Adelaide for a new adventure. I'm just so desperate to find a partner. Someone who likes you for you not all the superficial stuff but that's just it. I have all the superficial stuff but not the normal good looks and attitude. I don't know what I'm trying to say or do but I'm feeling terrible. I want to move on to the next chapter of my life but I haven't figured out what that is yet. I was hoping find a partner and move in together but how do I do that? This town is so limited so do I move back to Adelaide or what? Then I lose my family here where I'm still the kid. Next chapter come at me ! Everyone is moving forward with their lives out achieving things and I can barely manage to have a shower. Getting out of bed is like winning the lottery. I'm never going to be anybody. No one is going to love me. I should just get rid of myself and stop burdening everyone with my grief.I can barely breathe. All the carers I work with are becoming nurses and I'm just trying to live each day. I can't move forward in going backwards

Sunday, 22 May 2016

4 days out

Day 4 on the outside and I'm back to depression. First time listening to music in 3 weeks and I think it's making the depression deeper. Made a playlist of songs that shaped my musical mind in early adolescence. From mcr, 30stm, Eskimo joe and p!atd. I'm really tired. This is who I really am. No amount of drugs can change that but I'll take them anyway. My eyes are fading now. I don't want to gain weight and be fat but I have no choice. I want a boob job and it's the only way. I need to save at least 10,000. Hoping I can claim off my house insurance or my parents. I will get this surgery if it kills me. If I can't be skinny anymore at least I can have self confidence within myself. For me to be happy and feel like an actual woman! It's all I want and it's possible. I'm going to start a go fund me account to get the ball rolling.... Best be off then 

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Change

The thought of dying makes me feel sick. I need to fight this. This depression, this anorexia, this bpd I will beat this. I will.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

To blog or not to blog.

WTitle says it all. As you would be currently aware I'm inpatient but I don't wish to bore you with details. Maybe another time because I'm too depressed that I've let my mum down and angered my dad and destroyed my brother. I'm a terrible daughter. But it was the only way I could keep myself safe. I'm fighting to try and live and my parents think I'm doing it for attention and that I like being in hospital. Like being in hospital!? Are you ducking kidding me I'd sooner put pins in my eyes than want to be in this pit of disaster. Plus I'm so stressed out and retarded I don't know what isn't real from reality. I'm not hearing things other than my own voice putting me down telling me the nurses hate me and I suspect are plotting against me but I'm seeing things like my blanket was breathing up and down yesterday without me touching it and so were the curtains. I thought I saw a ghost of my uncle at the end of my bed last night but he was way taller with no feet which I thought I saw my grandpa in a similar firm last year and now I feel like I'm going crazy. I am crazy. Am i? Am I not I don't know I don't know anything anymore 


So now as the day has progressed I'm going to be admitted to 4gp on Friday lucky lucky me 

Monday, 2 May 2016

Destroyed

So I've destroyed my family yet again by being put in hospital. I couldn't keep myself safe so here I am in hospital. Breaking my mothers heart I'm a terrible person