Tuesday, 12 April 2016
I have very few people to which I can honestly confess to. Probably one friend and my dietician. I hate lying but it's all I have to keep going. I'm in denial yes but I'm also struggling. I'm scared to speak because I'm scared who's listening. I don't know how much longer I can keep this going but I'm ready to push it as far as possible. These words are small but have an impact. I'm sorry I'm dying. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't tell anyone. I'm freaking out and I think it's only going to get worse. I'm just so fat and this is the only way. Please forgive me.
Everyone uses Instagram for ED accounts but I can't use mine to vent cos too many people know me in real life and tell my mum. I know people are just worried but there's nothing to worry about. I'm fine. I will be fine. I just have to pick up and keep going. That's all there is to do. I'm so hungry. I could cry. But I can't seem to cry anymore. I'm just numb all the time which makes me want to cut because that's all I'm worth. Even then it's never deep enough. I'm so ashamed. God my arms are huge. They seem so bulky and get in the way all the time. And my thighs. Good lord it's all I see. I disgust myself. I'm revolted. I can't be this weight. The thought of gaining makes me suicidal. I need to restrict. I need to exercise I need I need but I just can't. I'm stuck in limbo because my parents won't let me get any lower but I just need to work harder. Water water water. That's it. No more. I've already said too much. Do I post this or not I can't decide. I'm going to save it as a draft I think