Wednesday, 6 April 2016
In the waiting room
Here I am in the waiting room at the doctors surgery and I'm so nervous for no reason like I feel like I'm about to sweat through myjumper. It's all good just a casual panic attack. It's all good don't know what I'm worried about I just panic every time I come here cos I have no idea what's going to happen. God I don't want to be weighed. The scales are so damaging here and it's never correct either from water loading and wearing lots of clothes. I'm told to just breathe but God I need some lorazepam or olanzapine.
I'm wearing ugg boots but I still feel like my toes are numb. My whole body is just numb with fear. My blood pressure dropped to 73 yesterday so I'm blindly hoping it's not measured today. I feel so dizzy. It's not from not eating if anything it's from eating too much. I hate waiting it always seems to go on forever. I've been doing well with my medications and not having to take my oxazepam as much as last week when I was really struggling. I've also been avoiding phone calls from work cos I can't be bothered working more than I'm rosterwd I'm just so lazy and depressed. Feeling like shit. Just want to be free of this place. Can't be too much longer surely.
So the doctors went fine. I lied about my weight and didn't get weighed. I like my doctor he understands and doesn't judge me. Just wants to help me as most people do if only I could help myself. It's basically said that I can die from this if I don't try and fight but it's so confusing cos there are so many anorexics that are actually looking anorexic where as I'm just a sad wannabe. I don't believe I look anorexic. I feel like such a fake. Sure I have an eating disorder but so what? There's a lot going on in my head at the moment and it's so depressing. I don't know what to do but sleep. I want to bake but then I won't eat it anyway so it's a waste of food. I am a waste of food. I'm a waste of space. Honestly I need to just disappear.
I have work this weekend so see how that goes but I'm not looking forward to it. I wish I could have a day away from worries, away from guilt and stress and eat freely and not want to kill my self all the time. If I wasn't so embarrassing to myself. I know people talk about me. They always will and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Then there's the money issue. I may own a house but all that comes is bills and so that stresses me out and if I end up in hospital then I lose and owe even more money. I just see myself falling apart and there's nothing no one or anyone can do.
Mums arranged for me to see another support worker next week who's been through the same thing. Maybe she can help I don't know. I'm running out of ideas I'm running out of hope. I don't want attention I just want to fade into darkness.