Saturday, 16 April 2016

Bloody hell

This bpd stuff is bullshit. I had a great night out with family and yet I'm left here feeling terrible because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve my beautiful family that love me no matter what even when I drag them through coals which I hate doing but I can't help it! I naturally fuck everything good up. I'm useless. I brain is slosh. It seems borderline personality defines me which makes me sad which is exactly what it wants. 
And then this ED is doing my head in. No wonder people don't like me and I have no friends cos I'm a nut case. Ain't it the truth. I can't be trusted to be alone with myself and I can't be left alone with myself cos my mind is constant torture. Will this ever stop? Will these thoughts ever fade? I don't believe they will. I believe bpd is a condition that is manageable but not curable. No ect or therapy or amounts of money will help. We all have our demons and I suppose this is mine. I don't know any different. The patterns of my disordered thinking are drilled in without realizing. I can't even stray if I try. I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. And I don't think I'll ever be skinnier enough but alas I keep fighting and trying. These words are so pathetic. I'm a joke. I'd say I hope I die in my sleep but the thought scares me. You see the thing is I don't want to die but yet I'm still suicidal. I don't want to die but I don't know what else to do. There is no escape. I'm just such a coward like I have so much to live for yet so much to die for. See how I argue with myself? It's all I ever do. My mind is a battlefield but I'm the only one standing in the firing line of myself. I think the problem is I care too much. I feel too much and I do too much. But nothing is ever enough and neither is it ever good enough. I need to desperately lock myself away and never show my face again. My sad distorted face. Guilt shaming numbness. That's the best way to describe how I feel for breathing. I love my life but at the same time I say fuck my life. Okay I'll shut up now. I've already said too much. 

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