Wednesday, 27 April 2016
Only 54 days until I go on a holiday to my favourite place on earth. I couldn't look more forward to it. Surely I can last that long? People ask how I am and I say good but I'm suffocating. I'm struggling to breathe. I hate myself so much it's unbearable. I'm lost as what to do. I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and my support worker which I'm looking forward to seeing someone I can be honest with.
Monday, 25 April 2016
I haven't told anyone how I'm feeling. I don't want mum to worry and dad to hate me even more. I'm such a disappointment of a child. I'm nothing to be proud of. If I say how I feel I deeply upset everyone so I can't say a word. These feelings inside are just so depressing and I have to work 6 days in a row which is killing me. I can barely handle it. I feel like such a failure but I can't say I'm suicidal cos I don't want to die. I repeat I DONT WANT TO DIE. But I am scared of death I just have so many thoughts about death it's getting in the way of my thinking and therefore I can't think straight. I have no one to talk to so I talk to God and to myself and this blog. My ED is another whole problem id rather not discuss because it's more of a lost cause.
Sunday, 24 April 2016
I have now got used to saving my posts as drafts so I can't be reported to my parents. So this is the unleashed moment . Thinking of having an unleashed Instagram account but can't be bothered. Anywho I'm struggling. I've taken a fair amount of pills and things which should knock me out but fuck do I feel suicidal. Is it normal to feel this way all the time? And to think I'm getting up in a few hours for work. I don't want to but no one else will so I might as well. I don't even know what I'm saying I'm so off my face. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Just kidding. I'm just a big fat whale without friends without a serious job without a life confused and forgotten. I'll never write a book anything worth while. Even cutting isn't so satisfactory anymore. Night that's enough my head is zonked. I hope I don't die like I don't want to die but I'm so suicidal how can that be? I'm confused.
Saturday, 16 April 2016
This bpd stuff is bullshit. I had a great night out with family and yet I'm left here feeling terrible because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve my beautiful family that love me no matter what even when I drag them through coals which I hate doing but I can't help it! I naturally fuck everything good up. I'm useless. I brain is slosh. It seems borderline personality defines me which makes me sad which is exactly what it wants.
And then this ED is doing my head in. No wonder people don't like me and I have no friends cos I'm a nut case. Ain't it the truth. I can't be trusted to be alone with myself and I can't be left alone with myself cos my mind is constant torture. Will this ever stop? Will these thoughts ever fade? I don't believe they will. I believe bpd is a condition that is manageable but not curable. No ect or therapy or amounts of money will help. We all have our demons and I suppose this is mine. I don't know any different. The patterns of my disordered thinking are drilled in without realizing. I can't even stray if I try. I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. And I don't think I'll ever be skinnier enough but alas I keep fighting and trying. These words are so pathetic. I'm a joke. I'd say I hope I die in my sleep but the thought scares me. You see the thing is I don't want to die but yet I'm still suicidal. I don't want to die but I don't know what else to do. There is no escape. I'm just such a coward like I have so much to live for yet so much to die for. See how I argue with myself? It's all I ever do. My mind is a battlefield but I'm the only one standing in the firing line of myself. I think the problem is I care too much. I feel too much and I do too much. But nothing is ever enough and neither is it ever good enough. I need to desperately lock myself away and never show my face again. My sad distorted face. Guilt shaming numbness. That's the best way to describe how I feel for breathing. I love my life but at the same time I say fuck my life. Okay I'll shut up now. I've already said too much.
Tuesday, 12 April 2016
This is the only place I have where I can vent and someone goes and ruins it by ringing my mum. Thanks a lot. I will no longer be posting here. Hope you are happy. And what gets me is you didn't even get the point of the blog. You didn't ask if I'm okay you just rang my mum. Smoothe move.
I'm there for everyone but who is there for me? I have no one checking up on me, if I did they would know I'm struggling. Struggling to fight for my life. But hey no one gives a shit so I'll cut a little bit more. Purge a little harder. And hold back tears because no one like the girl who's nothingness. You don't care. Be honest. Why would you. You will never know me. You lost your chance to save a life. So learn from me and don't make those mistakes again. Stop being so selfish and think of others. Ask are you okay? Send that message. It would mean so much if just one person bothered to care.
I have very few people to which I can honestly confess to. Probably one friend and my dietician. I hate lying but it's all I have to keep going. I'm in denial yes but I'm also struggling. I'm scared to speak because I'm scared who's listening. I don't know how much longer I can keep this going but I'm ready to push it as far as possible. These words are small but have an impact. I'm sorry I'm dying. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't tell anyone. I'm freaking out and I think it's only going to get worse. I'm just so fat and this is the only way. Please forgive me.
Everyone uses Instagram for ED accounts but I can't use mine to vent cos too many people know me in real life and tell my mum. I know people are just worried but there's nothing to worry about. I'm fine. I will be fine. I just have to pick up and keep going. That's all there is to do. I'm so hungry. I could cry. But I can't seem to cry anymore. I'm just numb all the time which makes me want to cut because that's all I'm worth. Even then it's never deep enough. I'm so ashamed. God my arms are huge. They seem so bulky and get in the way all the time. And my thighs. Good lord it's all I see. I disgust myself. I'm revolted. I can't be this weight. The thought of gaining makes me suicidal. I need to restrict. I need to exercise I need I need but I just can't. I'm stuck in limbo because my parents won't let me get any lower but I just need to work harder. Water water water. That's it. No more. I've already said too much. Do I post this or not I can't decide. I'm going to save it as a draft I think
Saturday, 9 April 2016
Wednesday, 6 April 2016
Here I am in the waiting room at the doctors surgery and I'm so nervous for no reason like I feel like I'm about to sweat through myjumper. It's all good just a casual panic attack. It's all good don't know what I'm worried about I just panic every time I come here cos I have no idea what's going to happen. God I don't want to be weighed. The scales are so damaging here and it's never correct either from water loading and wearing lots of clothes. I'm told to just breathe but God I need some lorazepam or olanzapine.
I'm wearing ugg boots but I still feel like my toes are numb. My whole body is just numb with fear. My blood pressure dropped to 73 yesterday so I'm blindly hoping it's not measured today. I feel so dizzy. It's not from not eating if anything it's from eating too much. I hate waiting it always seems to go on forever. I've been doing well with my medications and not having to take my oxazepam as much as last week when I was really struggling. I've also been avoiding phone calls from work cos I can't be bothered working more than I'm rosterwd I'm just so lazy and depressed. Feeling like shit. Just want to be free of this place. Can't be too much longer surely.
So the doctors went fine. I lied about my weight and didn't get weighed. I like my doctor he understands and doesn't judge me. Just wants to help me as most people do if only I could help myself. It's basically said that I can die from this if I don't try and fight but it's so confusing cos there are so many anorexics that are actually looking anorexic where as I'm just a sad wannabe. I don't believe I look anorexic. I feel like such a fake. Sure I have an eating disorder but so what? There's a lot going on in my head at the moment and it's so depressing. I don't know what to do but sleep. I want to bake but then I won't eat it anyway so it's a waste of food. I am a waste of food. I'm a waste of space. Honestly I need to just disappear.
I have work this weekend so see how that goes but I'm not looking forward to it. I wish I could have a day away from worries, away from guilt and stress and eat freely and not want to kill my self all the time. If I wasn't so embarrassing to myself. I know people talk about me. They always will and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Then there's the money issue. I may own a house but all that comes is bills and so that stresses me out and if I end up in hospital then I lose and owe even more money. I just see myself falling apart and there's nothing no one or anyone can do.
Mums arranged for me to see another support worker next week who's been through the same thing. Maybe she can help I don't know. I'm running out of ideas I'm running out of hope. I don't want attention I just want to fade into darkness.