Wednesday, 2 March 2016
It's appointment day again and tomorrow and I haven't done/prepared anything that I was suppose to. I didn't practice things and I failed at not purging the weight gained. Plus it's weigh day tomorrow which of course is weighing on my mind!! Someone kill me. I don't even care. I just want a day where their are no expectations of me that I can actually manage. I feel I'm not good enough. Not good enough for recovery or even as a daughter, friend, human or person. I'm in total denial that I have an eating dissorder and you know what I like it that way. Everyone else can just go away I've had enough.
I've been in Adelaide for the past 4 days staying with my grandparents and at a friends just to get away. I don't know if it did me any good. I'm the clutsiest fool you could ever meet and I embarrass myself continually. I hate myself. I manage to drop two cans of Coke by accident in Vicki my friends hallway and they both spurted and burst and went all over the walls, carpet, floor, lyno everywhere over the kids pictures, photo frames. All out the front of the house when I threw them outside. so so embarrassed. Just wanted to go hide in a corner and cry. Like it could not have been worse. Fuck my life. Then just before I filled my water bottle and then the lid wasn't screwed on tight enough and I dropped that all over the floor. What the hell is wrong with me. Not to mention I'm broke. I've eaten too much and I'm still not allowed to exercise. I've also realized how stupid anorexia makes me think. I keep thinking water makes you fat because it does on the scales but not really. So confusing. And even though the hotter I cook my food and reheat it it does not cancel out the calories and burn them away. I'm so stupid. Now what do I do? Wait for the dreaded tomorrow to come. Wait for my GERD to end and wait for this water to drain, my fake tan to set and tomorrow to come.