Friday, 25 March 2016

Short update

I'm keeping to short updates because I don't have the energy for longer ones. 

Watching someone struggle on Instagram has made me realize what a bad place I am in myself. Suicide would be so easy and quick. I've taken a lorazepam and oxazepam to calm me down but I still ended up cutting. Piss weak cuts might I add. Nothing a large bandaid can't hide. Surely no one will notice. I had to stop myself from doing more which was hard but I managed to restrict now I'm praying and listing to music. 
Another person commented today that I'm "looking good". Which makes me feel fat and huge like what the hec. I'm sure they meant well but it makes me feel like a failure. I will never be thin enough. I need to step it up a notch. I'm such a dissapointment to this family, to my work, to everything. What good am I ? 
I have nothing to offer the world. No boys are interested in me. Why would they I'm a ducking head case and they all think I'm crazy. 😖 it's clear I will never find a partner. I'm doomed to marry my sorrow. No one cares what happens to me. I've never been normal that i know. I'm sorry for breaking your hearts mum, dad and matt. I really am sorry. But I just don't know what to do. I'm lost in my own grief. No one to blame but me. I let this family down, myself down my life down. 
I don't know what's come over me so suddenly. I'm just such a disgrace and this depression is killing me. I'm so bored all the time but can barely read, barely paint and barely breath. I go to sleep in the afternoon because I can't be bothered to do anything else. If I could cry I would. It feels like it's building up inside and one day it's going to burst. Until then I shall carry my burdens and continue to survive . Another subject I need to cover in another post is why I left hypnotherapy. And I've decided to leave my councelling appointments too. Was wasting everyone's time including my own but save that story for another raining day. Sorry to anyone who reads this, I am truly sorry 😞

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