Eternal struggle

Struggling quite badly. No event has triggered this I just am this way. I feel like such a burden and in everyone's way. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I don't want to die but it's the only escape. I want to punish myself. I've been cutting and sleeping that's about it. I can't do this. I'm almost close to going inpatient if it keeps up. My weight keeps fluctuating which is depressing me too I just want to be skinny but I'm so god damn fat. My legs are like tree trunks. I'm so repulsed by what I see. And it's what I have to live with. I need to starve myself but I'm pathetic and keep eating. Easter was s huge mistake. So much chocolate. God I'm such a pig. 

I can't do this. I need help. Might get mum to ring the mental health team or something I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know why I'm still slice. I don't know how to fix this and I'm scared. Scared of my mind, scared by my thoughts and scared of the future. I don't know what else to say so I thinkbillvlesve it at that. Sorry.