Chocolate struggle.

After today I know some things are wrong but still I'm so confused. My legs look like tree trunks. I disgust myself and can talk to very few about how I feel. I feel bad because I don't want to trigger anyone and I can't tell my family because I can't lose control. I can't let that happen. And tonight I was dying literally dying for chocolate but anorexia wouldn't let me have any. I ate vitamin gummies like lollies and had grapes and hot chocolate which is a huge amount and I feel so guilty about. It just gets to me because I don't look sick. No one notices because there's nothing appearing wrong. But even if I got thinner I couldn't last long because my parents won't let that happen. I need to starve tomorrow and not eat anything. I seem to drink my calories anyway so I'm not quite starving. I eat too much. So much. I don't need help because I can't be helped. There's nothing wrong as long as I don't eat.  I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to be thin and beautiful. Is that such a crime to want? To need? 

I need to exercise and maybe I'd see results but I can't because it's 40 degrees outside constantly. What am I doing. I can't write anymore. I need to study skinny people on Instagram to make me feel better.