Thursday, 31 March 2016

These sleepless nights

Can't sleep so I'll blog. Had a good day shopping and eating wise. Had such a good day so why do I now feel so crappy. On my fourth day of diarrhea and upset stomach. Taken so many tablets today it's amazing I don't rattle when I walk. Both tablets to stop sickness and head case. I feel another blue depression period coming on. Dang it. 
I'm so pissed off people like literally everyone I message never messages back like wtf is so wrong with me? I feel so rejected that no one wants me around all I want to do is cut and disappear into nothingness. I can't do this

Monday, 28 March 2016

Stupid people

I recently reached out to people I haven't seen or spoken to in a while and they rudely ignore me and don't reply. Which just makes it awkward when I see them down the street. I've done nothing wrong and yet I'm forced to feel like an idiot and like its my fault. Then if I happened to go and kill myself they would come to my funeral and be all upset. But while I'm alive they couldn't give a shit. It's just stupid. They are stupid and selfish. You wonder why people commit suicide and you blatantly ignore them and dousing care less otherwise while they're struggling and just wanted to say hi. I mean I would rather them message back and say I don't want to catch up then just ignore me. And one of them owes me their job. My old supervisor didn't like this person and said her resume was boring and didn't stand out compared to all the rest so I was nice and talked it up and got her the job because I'm a good person and that's what people do. Then another friend I have my old iPhone cos she was really struggling so then she hacks into my family's wifi and uses our internet and never speaks to me again. If she sees me down the street she literally looks the other way. 
I don't know why I bother honestly. 

Eternal struggle

Struggling quite badly. No event has triggered this I just am this way. I feel like such a burden and in everyone's way. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I don't want to die but it's the only escape. I want to punish myself. I've been cutting and sleeping that's about it. I can't do this. I'm almost close to going inpatient if it keeps up. My weight keeps fluctuating which is depressing me too I just want to be skinny but I'm so god damn fat. My legs are like tree trunks. I'm so repulsed by what I see. And it's what I have to live with. I need to starve myself but I'm pathetic and keep eating. Easter was s huge mistake. So much chocolate. God I'm such a pig. 
I can't do this. I need help. Might get mum to ring the mental health team or something I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know why I'm still slice. I don't know how to fix this and I'm scared. Scared of my mind, scared by my thoughts and scared of the future. I don't know what else to say so I thinkbillvlesve it at that. Sorry. 

Saturday, 26 March 2016

Only one escape

This is usually where I should ring lifeline but I'm trying to talk things through myself. I feel so low. I will never be skinny enough I will never be anything. I'm so lonely and yet such a heavy burden. Burden to my parents to my work, to the family and to the town. What am I suppose to live for? What is my aim? I want a family and kids but I can't see that happening. I'm so exhausted all I do is sleep. I wish I was happy, fun to be around but I'm not anymore and haven't been for a long time. What am I meant to do? I'm so lost and I only see one escape. I will never be thin enough so what do I do? I don't know how to be happy how to have feelings and be normal. I have work tomorrow but how can I pretend day after day to be happy and interested in life. Now I just feel like I'm going around in circles

Friday, 25 March 2016

Hypnotherapy

Short update

I'm keeping to short updates because I don't have the energy for longer ones. 

Watching someone struggle on Instagram has made me realize what a bad place I am in myself. Suicide would be so easy and quick. I've taken a lorazepam and oxazepam to calm me down but I still ended up cutting. Piss weak cuts might I add. Nothing a large bandaid can't hide. Surely no one will notice. I had to stop myself from doing more which was hard but I managed to restrict now I'm praying and listing to music. 
Another person commented today that I'm "looking good". Which makes me feel fat and huge like what the hec. I'm sure they meant well but it makes me feel like a failure. I will never be thin enough. I need to step it up a notch. I'm such a dissapointment to this family, to my work, to everything. What good am I ? 
I have nothing to offer the world. No boys are interested in me. Why would they I'm a ducking head case and they all think I'm crazy. 😖 it's clear I will never find a partner. I'm doomed to marry my sorrow. No one cares what happens to me. I've never been normal that i know. I'm sorry for breaking your hearts mum, dad and matt. I really am sorry. But I just don't know what to do. I'm lost in my own grief. No one to blame but me. I let this family down, myself down my life down. 
I don't know what's come over me so suddenly. I'm just such a disgrace and this depression is killing me. I'm so bored all the time but can barely read, barely paint and barely breath. I go to sleep in the afternoon because I can't be bothered to do anything else. If I could cry I would. It feels like it's building up inside and one day it's going to burst. Until then I shall carry my burdens and continue to survive . Another subject I need to cover in another post is why I left hypnotherapy. And I've decided to leave my councelling appointments too. Was wasting everyone's time including my own but save that story for another raining day. Sorry to anyone who reads this, I am truly sorry 😞

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Sudden vent

I really need to vent but have no one to vent to so here I go. I will hold back numbers and details. 
So I'm at my lowest ever and I don't know how I got here but then I'm told I'm looking really good so does that mean I'm fat or I'm a healthy weight? I don't know what to believe let alone think. I'm so stressed and my body is starting to follow. My head feels funny and I'm constantly exhausted. I had a huge breakthrough with my psychiatrist today about all my problems going back to when I was 13 and my nana died. Why does everything all have to go down hill from there like that was just the breakdown of my life. What happened to that little girl that was fun and carefree? I can't even remember her. Now she's a self conscious nervous slug. 
I'm so nervous I'm going to end up in hospital if I keep this up but I really can't go back there id rather die. I can't think of anything worse being there. I would be so devastated. I can't write much more I'm too stressed. Please God don't let this be the beginning of the end . 

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Again.

Feeling terrible so I will keep this short. Had my psych appt and she's given up asking me about coming into hospital which makes me think I must be huge. All this eating and no exercise is killing me. Tomorrow will be better. I was at least honest with my psych about the purges and not following the meal plan and the restricting so at least I'm not a liar. I confessed to her I can't gain weight cos if I leave and recover my eating disorder I'm stuck in the suicidal and depressed me. So either way I'm doomed. I don't know what to do. Do I ever know what to do? Tomorrow will be better. I weighed myself and I didn't like the numbers so what did I do? Abused laxatives. Fuck. Tomorrow is going to suck. I feel sick already. I'm so ashamed of myself there's nothing more to say

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Lost

here I am again. I meant to post this the other night but didn’t get around to it. I havent got around to much lately. One of the patients at work made a rude comment that I didnt know what i was doing. The sad thing is she was right. The other workers stood up for me and told me its not true and that im a good worker but the comment still hurt. I know i shouldnt of taken it to heart but I did. It bascialy just reinforced how i feel in life which is lost and confused like i dont know what im doing. I feel hopefless and alone though Im surrounded by family. Isn’t it funny how you know one thing but feel another dispite knowing whats real. I dont know. I am not making sense at all. I just have no idea whats what and whos who. I have my psychatrist appointment later today which im dreading because I havent done anything sahe has asked me to do so all i will be doing is lying. I hate lying but im so afraid of the repercussions which is hospital. Im not ready for hospital no way. now lunch is being served and I just want to skip it but I cant so I might as well have it early and get it out the way. I dont know what Im doing and I don’t know what else to say so lets just leave it there.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Chocolate struggle.

After today I know some things are wrong but still I'm so confused. My legs look like tree trunks. I disgust myself and can talk to very few about how I feel. I feel bad because I don't want to trigger anyone and I can't tell my family because I can't lose control. I can't let that happen. And tonight I was dying literally dying for chocolate but anorexia wouldn't let me have any. I ate vitamin gummies like lollies and had grapes and hot chocolate which is a huge amount and I feel so guilty about. It just gets to me because I don't look sick. No one notices because there's nothing appearing wrong. But even if I got thinner I couldn't last long because my parents won't let that happen. I need to starve tomorrow and not eat anything. I seem to drink my calories anyway so I'm not quite starving. I eat too much. So much. I don't need help because I can't be helped. There's nothing wrong as long as I don't eat.  I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to be thin and beautiful. Is that such a crime to want? To need? 
I need to exercise and maybe I'd see results but I can't because it's 40 degrees outside constantly. What am I doing. I can't write anymore. I need to study skinny people on Instagram to make me feel better. 

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Whoopsy.

It's appointment day again and tomorrow and I haven't done/prepared anything that I was suppose to. I didn't practice things and I failed at not purging the weight gained. Plus it's weigh day tomorrow which of course is weighing on my mind!! Someone kill me. I don't even care. I just want a day where their are no expectations of me that I can actually manage. I feel I'm not good enough. Not good enough for recovery or even as a daughter, friend, human or person. I'm in total denial that I have an eating dissorder and you know what I like it that way. Everyone else can just go away I've had enough.
 I've been in Adelaide for the past 4 days staying with my grandparents and at a friends just to get away. I don't know if it did me any good. I'm the clutsiest fool you could ever meet and I embarrass myself continually. I hate myself. I manage to drop two cans of Coke by accident in Vicki my friends hallway and they both spurted and burst and went all over the walls, carpet, floor, lyno everywhere over the kids pictures, photo frames. All out the front of the house when I threw them outside. so so embarrassed. Just wanted to go hide in a corner and cry. Like it could not have been worse. Fuck my life. Then just before I filled my water bottle and then the lid wasn't screwed on tight enough and I dropped that all over the floor. What the hell is wrong with me. Not to mention I'm broke. I've eaten too much and I'm still not allowed to exercise. I've also realized how stupid anorexia makes me think. I keep thinking water makes you fat because it does on the scales but not really. So confusing. And even though the hotter I cook my food and reheat it it does not cancel out the calories and burn them away. I'm so stupid. Now what do I do? Wait for the dreaded tomorrow to come. Wait for my GERD to end and wait for this water to drain, my fake tan to set and tomorrow to come.