Sunday, 21 February 2016

What ifs

I'm so angry and confused. Frustrated and irritable. I can't quite put it in to rewards but I'm not happy with my body. I need to step it up a notch. Starting tomorrow things are going to change. I'm going to be different. I'm going to change my eating habits if it kills me. I mean that quite literally. I need to lose these kilos I need to get there I'm so unhappy and unsatisified with my body it's disgusting. It feels so wrong like I'm dirty and can't get clean. This is too much. Too little, too less. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm lost. I have no control over the content and context of my life. This overwhelming feeling of despair is burdening and heavy. I'm doing so well and yet falling so far. If you really knew what was going on inside my head and knew how much I am struggling. You can't help though. Help me with what? Change? I will never change. That's the truth undone. I can't see it or even pretend. Can I let go of what I've done? They think I'm bad now just give me time. Tomorrow is a new beginning. I keep saying that and new days keep coming but change never seems to be short lived. Also what ive noticed is I seem to be living in the past thinking about actions and things I can no longer change and wonder how my life would be different. Why do I bother? It's literally wasting my time and yet I am stuck there. If I had finished school. If I hadn't gone overseas if I hadn't crashed my car twice. Why do these things happen to me? Why am I so selfish? Would I have friends if I'd stayed at school? What job would I be in and where would I live? Would I have found a partner ? Will I ever find a partner. What if what if what if .

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