Tuesday, 23 February 2016

No one, anyone.

 I have no one. I am no one. No one wants to spend time with me, why would they ? I'm depressing as all hell. There was a time when I was fun before I was this mess. When I actually believed in myself that I could be anyone I wanted. Then life got in the way with my ED with my dissorders, with cutting, with not caring. I've always been a loner. And blogging only leads to trouble oh well. I don't believe I will ever find a partner. I don't believe I will ever be small enough, skinny enough, happy, or well. I chose between death and life everyday and I shamefully chose death. I feel so depressed right now I could overdose or attempt suicide but what good will it do? It will only fuck up my life more like it does every time. I don't know what's worse, knowing you want to die or wanting to die and accepting defeat that it will only fail. My heart is so weak right now it wouldn't take much. What's another scar? What's anothe mouthful? I'm a joke of an anorexic. For starters I eat. End of story. What I would give for just one meal to last, to not blow me up in my head. What I would do to starve myself. But I'm at the point any smaller I get I get admitted. Anymore weight loss I get admitted. Why can't I be an extreme case and doctors pretend not to notice my slimness. Let me be. Let me die the only way I know how. Let me cry until I drown. My mind is so confused. I see slim people and ache to be thin. I need to stop eating but hunger drives me. If I could just control my hunger and brain signals to eat I could be an extreme case . I need to exercise but the temperature is over 40 which would give me a heart attack . This is just too much to handle. These thoughts my words are too deep.i need this to stop. Make this stop. I pray, I beg I plead with God to make me thin. Now that's sad. I'm just a sad case no friends. 2 homes split in the middle. No visible friends. One severely depressed girl. 

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