Monday, 1 February 2016
So im.05 away from my pre admission weight but im not happy about it. This blog probably wont follow regular layout, just be warned. My head is on so many paces at the moment, i cannot concentrate, i cant think all i want to do is be thinner. If my parents found out my weight they would flip. So hopefully they respect my privacy and don’t read my public blog LOL the irony. My house is up for rent so i can make some money but it wont be months until all the bills are paid and that actually happens. Im glad about who is the tenant, i know i can trust her so thats one good thing but the women dealing with the case is a pain in my ass. Anywho no one realy cares about that. I have been humming and harring whether to post this or not but last wednesday was the worst night of my life. My parents have encouraged me to tell them how i am feeling and if i want to cut to wake them up at night. So one night i did that and they were really proud of me. then the next night I do the same and Dad flips his shit and loses control at me. Told me to hurry up and kill myself, get it over and done with and stop putting them through so much shit. Broke my heart. He wouldnt stop yelling at me and i just burst into tears and ran away. Im so confused wtf do they want??!! I can’t change how I feel so i feel guilty and so many emotions about that. Ive been living off lorazepam and oxazepam. Ended up cutting myself the day after but thats what he wants anyway so I don't fucking know.
I ended up going to see a doctor the following day and got a new medication mirtazipine added which honestly now a week later has made such a big difference. Not only does it help put me to sleep, I havent had to use lorazepam or oxazepam plus i wake up not feeling too terrible. Im still exhausted all day and what not but it is better. Placebo or not I dont know but its good. Also had an appointment to see a hypnotherapist and have my second appointment tomorrow, what harm can it do? Honestly im desperate. Desperate calls for desperate measurements. he seems nice enough and thinks he can generally help me so wish me luck!!
So many people I know and follow are deciding to go back to the eating dissorder ward. I wish I had the courage to tackle this disorder and do the same but Im just not ready. I cant give this up just yet. I am worried about my potassium levels though. I only have a few tablets left so Im trying to space them out.
Well its late afternoon and I need to start readying myself for tea. Just on the disney channel watching disney movies. Its the best. Only thing that gives me joy is disney movies. So good. Well cheerio.