Tuesday, 9 February 2016
Here we are. Another day another week another excuse. Another hypnotherapist appointment tomorrow. Plus psychiatrist appointment. Big day. Compared to today which consisted of my OT appointment and watching orange is the new black. Which makes me question how is life suppose to coexist with an ED and all this bullshit in my head. The voices are so loud. To restrict and purge. I hate my weight which is still BMI of 14 but it might as well be 20 by the way I feel. I depress myself more each day. I just want to cut but I know I'll get caught. I see high school kids and envy their innocence to life. What kind of life am I living? Where will this take me? I can't possibly do this forever can I? I'm struggling so badly. The pain is consuming. I'm ashamed of what I am and what is to come of me. I wonder why people don't like me then I realize why. Why I'm alone without friends, a partner anything. Everyone ignores my texts it's embarrassing but how do you change who you are. What you've done, what I've done. What to do now? I feel like my mind is broken glass in a million pieces never to be perfect and clear again. I can't do this. I don't know what I want in life but it's got to be more than this. Please lord help me change for the better. God I feel like cutting or overdosing. God help me this is the only place I can vent and say how I really feel.