Tuesday, 23 February 2016

No one, anyone.

 I have no one. I am no one. No one wants to spend time with me, why would they ? I'm depressing as all hell. There was a time when I was fun before I was this mess. When I actually believed in myself that I could be anyone I wanted. Then life got in the way with my ED with my dissorders, with cutting, with not caring. I've always been a loner. And blogging only leads to trouble oh well. I don't believe I will ever find a partner. I don't believe I will ever be small enough, skinny enough, happy, or well. I chose between death and life everyday and I shamefully chose death. I feel so depressed right now I could overdose or attempt suicide but what good will it do? It will only fuck up my life more like it does every time. I don't know what's worse, knowing you want to die or wanting to die and accepting defeat that it will only fail. My heart is so weak right now it wouldn't take much. What's another scar? What's anothe mouthful? I'm a joke of an anorexic. For starters I eat. End of story. What I would give for just one meal to last, to not blow me up in my head. What I would do to starve myself. But I'm at the point any smaller I get I get admitted. Anymore weight loss I get admitted. Why can't I be an extreme case and doctors pretend not to notice my slimness. Let me be. Let me die the only way I know how. Let me cry until I drown. My mind is so confused. I see slim people and ache to be thin. I need to stop eating but hunger drives me. If I could just control my hunger and brain signals to eat I could be an extreme case . I need to exercise but the temperature is over 40 which would give me a heart attack . This is just too much to handle. These thoughts my words are too deep.i need this to stop. Make this stop. I pray, I beg I plead with God to make me thin. Now that's sad. I'm just a sad case no friends. 2 homes split in the middle. No visible friends. One severely depressed girl. 

Sunday, 21 February 2016

What ifs

I'm so angry and confused. Frustrated and irritable. I can't quite put it in to rewards but I'm not happy with my body. I need to step it up a notch. Starting tomorrow things are going to change. I'm going to be different. I'm going to change my eating habits if it kills me. I mean that quite literally. I need to lose these kilos I need to get there I'm so unhappy and unsatisified with my body it's disgusting. It feels so wrong like I'm dirty and can't get clean. This is too much. Too little, too less. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm lost. I have no control over the content and context of my life. This overwhelming feeling of despair is burdening and heavy. I'm doing so well and yet falling so far. If you really knew what was going on inside my head and knew how much I am struggling. You can't help though. Help me with what? Change? I will never change. That's the truth undone. I can't see it or even pretend. Can I let go of what I've done? They think I'm bad now just give me time. Tomorrow is a new beginning. I keep saying that and new days keep coming but change never seems to be short lived. Also what ive noticed is I seem to be living in the past thinking about actions and things I can no longer change and wonder how my life would be different. Why do I bother? It's literally wasting my time and yet I am stuck there. If I had finished school. If I hadn't gone overseas if I hadn't crashed my car twice. Why do these things happen to me? Why am I so selfish? Would I have friends if I'd stayed at school? What job would I be in and where would I live? Would I have found a partner ? Will I ever find a partner. What if what if what if .

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Creative bullshit.

Here we are. Another day another week another excuse. Another hypnotherapist appointment tomorrow. Plus psychiatrist appointment. Big day. Compared to today which consisted of my OT appointment and watching orange is the new black. Which makes me question how is life suppose to coexist with an ED and all this bullshit in my head. The voices are so loud. To restrict and purge. I hate my weight which is still BMI of 14 but it might as well be 20 by the way I feel. I depress myself more each day. I just want to cut but I know I'll get caught. I see high school kids and envy their innocence to life. What kind of life am I living? Where will this take me? I can't possibly do this forever can I? I'm struggling so badly. The pain is consuming. I'm ashamed of what I am and what is to come of me. I wonder why people don't like me then I realize why. Why I'm alone without friends, a partner anything. Everyone ignores my texts it's embarrassing but how do you change who you are. What you've done, what I've done. What to do now? I feel like my mind is broken glass in a million pieces never to be perfect and clear again. I can't do this. I don't know what I want in life but it's got to be more than this. Please lord help me change for the better. God I feel like cutting or overdosing. God help me this is the only place I can vent and say how I really feel. 

Monday, 1 February 2016

Desperate measures.

So im.05 away from my pre admission weight but im not happy about it. This blog probably wont follow regular layout, just be warned. My head is on so many paces at the moment, i cannot concentrate, i cant think all i want to do is be thinner. If my parents found out my weight they would flip. So hopefully they respect my privacy and don’t read my public blog LOL the irony.  My house is up for rent so i can make some money but it wont be months until all the bills are paid and that actually happens. Im glad about who is the tenant, i know i can trust her so thats one good thing but the women dealing with the case is a pain in my ass. Anywho no one realy cares about that. I have been humming and harring whether to post this or not but last wednesday was the worst night of my life. My parents have encouraged me to tell them how i am feeling and if i want to cut to wake them up at night. So one night i did that and they were really proud of me. then the next night I do the same and Dad flips his shit and loses control at me. Told me to hurry up and kill myself, get it over and done with and stop putting them through so much shit. Broke my heart. He wouldnt stop yelling at me and i just burst into tears and ran away. Im so confused wtf do they want??!! I can’t change how I feel so i feel guilty and so many emotions about that. Ive been living off lorazepam and oxazepam. Ended up cutting myself the day after but thats what he wants anyway so I don't fucking know.
I ended up going to see a doctor the following day and got a new medication mirtazipine added which honestly now a week later has made such a big difference. Not only does it help put me to sleep, I havent had to use lorazepam or oxazepam plus i wake up not feeling too terrible. Im still exhausted all day and what not but it is better. Placebo or not I dont know but its good. Also had an appointment to see a hypnotherapist and have my second appointment tomorrow, what harm can it do? Honestly im desperate. Desperate calls for desperate measurements. he seems nice enough and thinks he can generally help me so wish me luck!!
So many people I know and follow are deciding to go back to the eating dissorder ward. I wish I had the courage to tackle this disorder and do the same but Im just not ready. I cant give this up just yet. I am worried about my potassium levels though. I only have a few tablets left so Im trying to space them out.
Well its late afternoon and I need to start readying myself for tea. Just on the disney channel watching disney movies. Its the best. Only thing that gives me joy is disney movies. So good. Well cheerio.