Sunday, 17 January 2016
To tell you this whole story I need to start from the beginning which was last week.
Started off a regular day where I thought I was okay and happy in the place of my life. But I was so caught up in not being good enough for myself that I wrote a suicide note and was on the phone to lifeline to which I hung up. I then went downstairs and made a milo to contemplate my next move. I was thinking of cutting because that's usually my first move when I want to hurt myself, or overdose which is usually more lethal. To be honest I was thinking both. I can't say if I knew I was going to die or not but I fucked up my life from here on in.
So the phone rang and it was the police and my parents answered and then found me having not yet done anything. The police came to my house and detained me as a danger to myself. Saying goodbye to my hurt and distraught shame filled family and got in the back of the police car which took me directly to hospital. The police officers were very nice about it. The nurses to which some of them I work with had me admitted and that's where I stayed for the night. The next day I was admitted to flinders medical centre emergency department and directly admitted to ANU ward. To then overnight I stayed and was then admitted to ward 4gp which I still was suicidal and having a nurse sit with me and toilet and shower me 24/7 because I was then detained by medical default. I lasted about an hour in 4gp because I wasn't eating so they sent me back to ANU and tubed me with an ng tube to which took 6 goes from trainee doctors, 1 doctor then they finally rang an ENT who got it first shot.
I never wanted any of this to happen I just wanted to be thin and beautiful which I couldn't see in myself so I was suicidal. With a BMI of 13 I couldn't see I had an eating disorder. After this being my third admission to the eating dissorder unit I lost my bed and was sent to bed 5 in the medical ward of flinders medical centre.
Still not eating they upped my tube feed and my meal plan to which I slowly began to eat.
This with a nurse watching me 24/7 has been my life for the last week to which I have gained 9kg. This mainly being fluid, food and shit (haven't had a decent crap in 9 days). My body is reacting fine to the feed and fluid just gaining weight rapidly.
I've had so many nice nurses and my Aunty who has supported me 200% and rings me daily. So many people have showed they care and are thinking of me it's been a roller coaster or emotions. To which today Monday I was hoping to get my tube out but they haven't said yay or neigh.
Seen so many doctors who knows what is going on. I don't want to recover. I just want to me thin and beautiful. Being detained until today but they haven't said if I'm free or not yet. Obviously I'm not cos I still have a nurse with me.
My heart is broken I just want to go home and back to my life. My mum rang and upset me by telling me as long as I want to lose weight as soon as I get out I will never leave hospital but don't you understand that is anorexia you don't just snap out of it. It's the hardest disease to overcome and you can't just ditch it. It's overwhelming and life consuming. She sees it as life or death and has told me she is watching her baby die in her arms and there's nothing she can do to stop it happening. I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry dad and brother I'm sorry. I can't change who I am and I can't change how I feel. I understands this all hurts you but try and look at it from my point of view. I have no privacy no control over what I eat and forced to eat no nothing. I have nothing can you not see that. You think I'm doing this for attention or something I don't know but you have no idea what I'm going through and it's something you will never understand unless you are in the position yourself. I understand you're scared and worried. But so am I. And now I'm 9 kg heavier and wanting to die. Who gains that amount in a week? It's unreal and my brain can not cope with it. I'm struggling so badly I can't explain it.
I keep stealing my knifes and being caught by nurses and I keep letting slip how I feel which just detains me longer. Looks like I'm never getting out of this hell. I'm stuck and lonely and ashamed.
I write this now because I have no outlet other then when I write my little love letters to the nurses about how I'm feeling which is suicidal. Please someone just kill me. I'm so fat and I can't handle this. My meal plan is jumping from 1 to 4 tomorrow so I don't have my overnight feed tonight thank god. It's so hard to eat when you're full of fluid that is icky and disgusting. I feel like s big blown up balloon that's burst in the dirt. There's nothing I can do but cry. I want out. I want my life back. I'm scared and alone. I have nothing. Nothing my fear. I could run away and pull my tube out but I don't want any nurses in trouble and I don't want SAPOL after me again which they have said they will send if I leave. So what choice do I have other to comply? I don't know how much weight they want me to gain as I can already see it in my cheeks and in my thighs. My size 8 shorts that are usually big on me are now tight. I hate this. I just want to die. I have no escape.