Monday, 25 January 2016

set the record straight

Just finished work and ive been dying to blog. I just want to clear up a few things. because there are rumours getting through to even the patients i care for at work asking me if i throw up my food. NO I DO NOT THROW UP MY FOOD. I have anorexia nervosa purging subtype this means yes i will purge when extremely desperate but it also means behind closed doors i exercise like a mad woman day and night. stretching my body to its absolute limits. from 1 in the morning to 6 am i will exercise anytime to be undetected. so please can we clear the rumours of the vomiting. i admit when i am super struggling i will result to purging but that is not every day fter every meal as you people might think. i go to the toilet heaps becaause i donw so many fluids its unbelievable. i cant change the fact how fat i am and its driving me insane.
im really struggling at the moment. i hate my weight i am and just want to be sick and skinny again. thats all i want and i regret my suicide attempts failing and leaving me here to pick up the pieces. i feel like i have destroyed my life. what and who is left?? cos its not me. i dont know who i am anymore and that scares me. I’m so afraid. of food of fat people of myself. god i am so fat, im like a big balloon that needs to burst. I’m dreading thursday cos thats my weigh day with dad. and no matter the result will be horrendous. ive voided making a doctors appt and psychiatrist appt too trying to hide how much I’m struggling because i dont believe i can be saved, i dont deserve to be saved. ive taken a handful of pills of lorazepam and oxazepam tonight so im waiting for that to put me to sleep and out of this hell. this hell of my beautiful life. i have such a good life don’t get me wrong but why am i so mentally retarded about it. why cant i just be normal. what even is normal? fuck knows anymore thats all i can say.

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