Monday, 25 January 2016

set the record straight

Just finished work and ive been dying to blog. I just want to clear up a few things. because there are rumours getting through to even the patients i care for at work asking me if i throw up my food. NO I DO NOT THROW UP MY FOOD. I have anorexia nervosa purging subtype this means yes i will purge when extremely desperate but it also means behind closed doors i exercise like a mad woman day and night. stretching my body to its absolute limits. from 1 in the morning to 6 am i will exercise anytime to be undetected. so please can we clear the rumours of the vomiting. i admit when i am super struggling i will result to purging but that is not every day fter every meal as you people might think. i go to the toilet heaps becaause i donw so many fluids its unbelievable. i cant change the fact how fat i am and its driving me insane.
im really struggling at the moment. i hate my weight i am and just want to be sick and skinny again. thats all i want and i regret my suicide attempts failing and leaving me here to pick up the pieces. i feel like i have destroyed my life. what and who is left?? cos its not me. i dont know who i am anymore and that scares me. I’m so afraid. of food of fat people of myself. god i am so fat, im like a big balloon that needs to burst. I’m dreading thursday cos thats my weigh day with dad. and no matter the result will be horrendous. ive voided making a doctors appt and psychiatrist appt too trying to hide how much I’m struggling because i dont believe i can be saved, i dont deserve to be saved. ive taken a handful of pills of lorazepam and oxazepam tonight so im waiting for that to put me to sleep and out of this hell. this hell of my beautiful life. i have such a good life don’t get me wrong but why am i so mentally retarded about it. why cant i just be normal. what even is normal? fuck knows anymore thats all i can say.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Dear Anorexia/Rex #1.

Today anorexia stopped me going out publicly. I didn't have friends to go with so I went to the town oval Australia Day celebration with my favourite two aunties. I had a fabulous time with them but then anorexia creeps in. She crept right On top of my back and was making it hard to breathe, she made me anxious like what was I doing there. She stopped me eating anything because all I could focus on was fat people eating everywhere. I couldn't stop staring. There was forbidden foods everywhere and people were just eating it no worries­čś▒  I felt so rude. I felt so alone besides being surrounded by my loving family. She didn't like the loud music so I had to leave and walk home because getting a lift doesn't burn calories. Anorexia didn't however ruin going out on the river with my main supporters mum and dad on one of our boats to watch the spectacular fireworks display that seemed to be only for us as it casts out over the river where we were. Anorexia did not steal that from me. 
Since coming home she's wanted me to cut and to overdose. So I've taken my meds and some lorazepam which wasn't a good idea cos I had been drinking but anorexia forgets that. She stopped me having a shower because I deserve to punish myself for not being better today. So mums taken my tablets away so I can't OD but I want to cut cos she needs to punish me. Punish me for being exposed in public, for eating meals today, for working and stopped me having fun. You turn fun into stress. Luckily a beautiful friend Ashlee stayed on the phone and walked me home before more self harm thoughts come in. Basically anorexia wants death. That is her goal, and I'm fighting as hard as I can. Please God bless me and help me beat this bitch. Because anorexia you are a bitch. Damn it Rex. Damn you and your illness. 

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Anorexia.

Anorexia has destroyed my life. I can barely breathe. I don't know what to say. I'm still being tube fed even though I'm fat and of a healthy weight. I'm still detained and can't toilet myself alone. This is just hell . I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. My pillow is wet from crying. Tomorrow I will write a letter to anorexia expressing how I feel . Right now all I can do is cry. I'm heartbroken as per the changes in my body. Anorexia is all about control so now being controlled by nurses, doctors, dietitians, ENT, psych teams, medical teams and more I have nothing left but a fat stomach, pudgy arms and thunder thighs. It's awful to look in the mirror and be repulsed by what you see. And to have no choice. I just want to go home so I keep eating and doing what they say but they won't let me leave and keep detaining me. I'm so confused and upset I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry  even then I can't control that

Monday, 18 January 2016

Pin prick.

So here I am again, my mind is taking over my thoughts and my thoughts are consuming my soul. I'm the weight of a heffalump and I can't see otherwise. I'm inconsolable I know. I'm already thinking about not eating breakfast tomorrow because all I am is repulsed by my body. I've cried for the last two hours about my weight and even now I'm teetering in the balance of tears if I stop listening to music. I'm listening to the same playlist which consists of the songs : I don't wanna be here anymore, make it stop - rise against , faint, what I've done and numb - linkin park, the world is ugly - mcr, Avalanche and throne - bring me the horizon. I might now turn to mcr to sleep . They always understand how I feel . Maybe has something to do with the fact they are all about death and so am I . 
Seriously considering pulling this damned tube out!!! It's pinned to my shirt with a safety pin.... Not very safe for me! Guess what happens now if I can't fight off these self harm thoughts. But if I hurt myself I only get detained longer so I'm fighting for my life right now, literally. 

Sunday, 17 January 2016

Update.

To tell you this whole story I need to start from the beginning which was last week. 

Started off a regular day where I thought I was okay and happy in the place of my life. But I was so caught up in not being good enough for myself that I wrote a suicide note and was on the phone to lifeline to which I hung up. I then went downstairs and made a milo to contemplate my next move. I was thinking of cutting because that's usually my first move when I want to hurt myself, or overdose which is usually more lethal. To be honest I was thinking both. I can't say if I knew I was going to die or not but I fucked up my life from here on in. 

So the phone rang and it was the police and my parents answered and then found me having not yet done anything. The police came to my house and detained me as a danger to myself. Saying goodbye to my hurt and distraught shame filled family and got in the back of the police car which took me directly to hospital. The police officers were very nice about it. The nurses to which some of them I work with had me admitted and that's where I stayed for the night. The next day I was admitted to flinders medical centre emergency department and directly admitted to ANU ward. To then overnight I stayed and was then admitted to ward 4gp which I still was suicidal and having a nurse sit with me and toilet and shower me 24/7 because I was then detained by medical default. I lasted about an hour in 4gp because I wasn't eating so they sent me back to ANU and tubed me with an ng tube to which took 6 goes from trainee doctors, 1 doctor then they finally rang an ENT who got it first shot. 
I never wanted any of this to happen I just wanted to be thin and beautiful which I couldn't see in myself so I was suicidal. With a BMI of 13 I couldn't see I had an eating disorder. After this being my third admission to the eating dissorder unit I lost my bed and was sent to bed 5 in the medical ward of flinders medical centre. 
Still not eating they upped my tube feed and my meal plan to which I slowly began to eat. 

This with a nurse watching me 24/7 has been my life for the last week to which I have gained 9kg. This mainly being fluid, food and shit (haven't had a decent crap in 9 days). My body is reacting fine to the feed and fluid just gaining weight rapidly. 
I've had so many nice nurses and my Aunty who has supported me 200% and rings me daily. So many people have showed they care and are thinking of me it's been a roller coaster or emotions. To which today Monday I was hoping to get my tube out but they haven't said yay or neigh. 
Seen so many doctors who knows what is going on. I don't want to recover. I just want to me thin and beautiful. Being detained until today but they haven't said if I'm free or not yet. Obviously I'm not cos I still have a nurse with me. 
My heart is broken I just want to go home and back to my life. My mum rang and upset me by telling me as long as I want to lose weight as soon as I get out I will never leave hospital but don't you understand that is anorexia you don't just snap out of it. It's the hardest disease to overcome and you can't just ditch it. It's overwhelming and life consuming. She sees it as life or death and has told me she is watching her baby die in her arms and there's nothing she can do to stop it happening. I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry dad and brother I'm sorry. I can't change who I am and I can't change how I feel. I understands this all hurts you but try and look at it from my point of view. I have no privacy no control over what I eat and forced to eat no nothing. I have nothing can you not see that. You think I'm doing this for attention or something I don't know but you have no idea what I'm going through and it's something you will never understand unless you are in the position yourself. I understand you're scared and worried. But so am I. And now I'm 9 kg heavier and wanting to die. Who gains that amount in a week? It's unreal and my brain can not cope with it. I'm struggling so badly I can't explain it. 
I keep stealing my knifes and being caught by nurses and I keep letting slip how I feel which just detains me longer. Looks like I'm never getting out of this hell. I'm stuck and lonely and ashamed. 
I write this now because I have no outlet other then when I write my little love letters to the nurses about how I'm feeling which is suicidal. Please someone just kill me. I'm so fat and I can't handle this. My meal plan is jumping from 1 to 4 tomorrow so I don't have my overnight feed tonight thank god. It's so hard to eat when you're full of fluid that is icky and disgusting. I feel like s big blown up balloon that's burst in the dirt. There's nothing I can do but cry. I want out. I want my life back. I'm scared and alone. I have nothing. Nothing my fear. I could run away and pull my tube out but I don't want any nurses in trouble and I don't want SAPOL after me again which they have said they will send if I leave. So what choice do I have other to comply? I don't know how much weight they want me to gain as I can already see it in my cheeks and in my thighs. My size 8 shorts that are usually big on me are now tight. I hate this. I just want to die. I have no escape. 
A nurse who got through to me last night told me I need an outlet and I believe this is it. Through writing. I don't know who I will reach out to or would be interested in reading this boring story but here it is. I hope someone benefits somehow someway.