Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Prayers

I pray every night and ask for so many things. Only now has it occurred to me are they being answered? I pray for other people to help them and bless them but how do I know if they're being answered. I guess I just have to have faith they are. Mainly I pray for myself, for health and happiness and to accept my weight for what it is and not for what it's not. 
I'm struggling so bad with body image. I just feel like a fat cos it's awful. Every meal is a struggle. Eating is so difficult when every inch of your body and soul is screaming not to. Screaming,searching for that part of you to give in to lose weight. I have to confess I've even bought a packet of cigarettes cos I believe that will stop my hunger so I don't have to eat and somehow I'll lose weight. eating dissorder logic I know but that's what it's telling me if I smoke I will lose weight. 
Then there's me moping in the fact that I have no friends in this town and the boy I sort of like that barely knows I exist I don't have a chance with anyway. What's a girl to do. I'm trying to gain more than just weight. Hopefully that will come too if I could gain friends and a boyfriend I would gain a life. What I wouldn't give to have someone that loves me for me not the fact they are related to me. Do all these things I ask for make me selfish? Please god I know you hear my prayer but can they be answered soon because as you know I'm not patient. Yours truly Sarah 
My biggest fear is that after my 6kg weight gain already that it's not going to stop and I'll end up a big balloon. I can see it happening and it scares me so I don't know what to think

Thursday, 2 June 2016

Ed rant

Looking at old photos I was never happy. I thought being skinny was everything and sadly I still do. In the last 5 weeks of "recovery" I've gained 5kg and now have a BMI of 15 which I feel terrible about. Everything in my head is screaming no but my body says yes. Today was weigh day and it's still eating at me (oh the irony). I long to be thin and beautiful again to have that aching feeling of starving in the pit of my stomach. Now I'm a fat whale well that's what I feel like but I see the other side of that now which I didn't 6 weeks ago which is that an eating disorder doesn't just affect you but your whole family and friend circle. I now have to suck it up and fight this bitch not just for me but for them. And in return I get a body that's working and functioning prooerly, a brain that's chemicals aren't too whacked and that's about it Haha my mind is still very much in anorexia mode. I eat too much, my thighs are fat, you're too greedy, eat slower, smoking will help you lose weight, drinking more will help you lose, just eat a little less- I could go on forever. It never stops and I don't believe it ever will. All I can do is try and be happy and make myself feel good. I pray for health and happiness. That's all I really want even if I don't believe in it I can still hope. 

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

So confused.

Im doing really well lately but I want and feel like the next step in my life is to find a partner. I'm not patient enough to wait for it to happen I believe k have to go out there and get it. Now that my Ed is under control I don't know what's so wrong with me. Is it that I'm crazy? My past history is s little phsyco but is that all? So I've sent a few people mainly boys messages to ask what's so wrong with me so I know how to fix it and find someone to love. All this is stuff is so hard when you're not at school surrounded by people so this is all I know how to do. Ive been watching way too much one tree hill but it's so good. Makes me feel inadequate and underdeveloped but in time hopefully I can fix that. Who am I kidding though I am a phsyco but will show who had the guts to confirm it 

Friday, 27 May 2016

Too much to say

I'm embarrassed just by being alive. My mental disorders show on the outside and it's killing me. Everyone knows everything and I just want privacy. Yes I'm a whacky crazy person but don't I at least deserve some respect. I'm so tired of being judged everyday by everyone, I feel their constant burning watchful eyes. I can't breathe. Living is suffocation. These are the reasons I have no friends and these are the reasons why I need to leave Waikerie. I love this town but no body in the town loves me. 

I dread going to work for no reason. Just took more medication to sleep. I'm such a druggy but I'm so suicidal and depressed. I can't talk to anyone because there's nothing no one can say to fix me and I can't find the right words anyway. What will become of me? Stay and work here or move back to Adelaide for a new adventure. I'm just so desperate to find a partner. Someone who likes you for you not all the superficial stuff but that's just it. I have all the superficial stuff but not the normal good looks and attitude. I don't know what I'm trying to say or do but I'm feeling terrible. I want to move on to the next chapter of my life but I haven't figured out what that is yet. I was hoping find a partner and move in together but how do I do that? This town is so limited so do I move back to Adelaide or what? Then I lose my family here where I'm still the kid. Next chapter come at me ! Everyone is moving forward with their lives out achieving things and I can barely manage to have a shower. Getting out of bed is like winning the lottery. I'm never going to be anybody. No one is going to love me. I should just get rid of myself and stop burdening everyone with my grief.I can barely breathe. All the carers I work with are becoming nurses and I'm just trying to live each day. I can't move forward in going backwards

Sunday, 22 May 2016

4 days out

Day 4 on the outside and I'm back to depression. First time listening to music in 3 weeks and I think it's making the depression deeper. Made a playlist of songs that shaped my musical mind in early adolescence. From mcr, 30stm, Eskimo joe and p!atd. I'm really tired. This is who I really am. No amount of drugs can change that but I'll take them anyway. My eyes are fading now. I don't want to gain weight and be fat but I have no choice. I want a boob job and it's the only way. I need to save at least 10,000. Hoping I can claim off my house insurance or my parents. I will get this surgery if it kills me. If I can't be skinny anymore at least I can have self confidence within myself. For me to be happy and feel like an actual woman! It's all I want and it's possible. I'm going to start a go fund me account to get the ball rolling.... Best be off then 

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Change

The thought of dying makes me feel sick. I need to fight this. This depression, this anorexia, this bpd I will beat this. I will.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

To blog or not to blog.

WTitle says it all. As you would be currently aware I'm inpatient but I don't wish to bore you with details. Maybe another time because I'm too depressed that I've let my mum down and angered my dad and destroyed my brother. I'm a terrible daughter. But it was the only way I could keep myself safe. I'm fighting to try and live and my parents think I'm doing it for attention and that I like being in hospital. Like being in hospital!? Are you ducking kidding me I'd sooner put pins in my eyes than want to be in this pit of disaster. Plus I'm so stressed out and retarded I don't know what isn't real from reality. I'm not hearing things other than my own voice putting me down telling me the nurses hate me and I suspect are plotting against me but I'm seeing things like my blanket was breathing up and down yesterday without me touching it and so were the curtains. I thought I saw a ghost of my uncle at the end of my bed last night but he was way taller with no feet which I thought I saw my grandpa in a similar firm last year and now I feel like I'm going crazy. I am crazy. Am i? Am I not I don't know I don't know anything anymore 


So now as the day has progressed I'm going to be admitted to 4gp on Friday lucky lucky me 

Monday, 2 May 2016

Destroyed

So I've destroyed my family yet again by being put in hospital. I couldn't keep myself safe so here I am in hospital. Breaking my mothers heart I'm a terrible person 

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

54 days

Only 54 days until I go on a holiday to my favourite place on earth. I couldn't look more forward to it. Surely I can last that long? People ask how I am and I say good but I'm suffocating. I'm struggling to breathe. I hate myself so much it's unbearable. I'm lost as what to do. I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and my support worker which I'm looking forward to seeing someone I can be honest with. 

Monday, 25 April 2016

Here we go go go again.

I haven't told anyone how I'm feeling. I don't want mum to worry and dad to hate me even more. I'm such a disappointment of a child. I'm nothing to be proud of. If I say how I feel I deeply upset everyone so I can't say a word. These feelings inside are just so depressing and I have to work 6 days in a row which is killing me. I can barely handle it. I feel like such a failure but I can't say I'm suicidal cos I don't want to die. I repeat I DONT WANT TO DIE. But I am scared of death I just have so many thoughts about death it's getting in the way of my thinking and therefore I can't think straight. I have no one to talk to so I talk to God and to myself and this blog. My ED is another whole problem id rather not discuss because it's more of a lost cause. 

Sunday, 24 April 2016

It's killing me.

I have now got used to saving my posts as drafts so I can't be reported to my parents. So this is the unleashed moment . Thinking of having an unleashed Instagram account but can't be bothered. Anywho I'm struggling. I've taken a fair amount of pills and things which should knock me out but fuck do I feel suicidal. Is it normal to feel this way all the time? And to think I'm getting up in a few hours for work. I don't want to but no one else will so I might as well. I don't even know what I'm saying I'm so off my face. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Just kidding. I'm just a big fat whale without friends without a serious job without a life confused and forgotten. I'll never write a book anything worth while. Even cutting isn't so satisfactory anymore. Night that's enough my head is zonked. I hope I don't die like I don't want to die but I'm so suicidal how can that be? I'm confused. 

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Cut

I can't go to my parents when I want to cut cos it just upsets them and with every good reason. I just am such a disappointment 

Bloody hell

This bpd stuff is bullshit. I had a great night out with family and yet I'm left here feeling terrible because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve my beautiful family that love me no matter what even when I drag them through coals which I hate doing but I can't help it! I naturally fuck everything good up. I'm useless. I brain is slosh. It seems borderline personality defines me which makes me sad which is exactly what it wants. 
And then this ED is doing my head in. No wonder people don't like me and I have no friends cos I'm a nut case. Ain't it the truth. I can't be trusted to be alone with myself and I can't be left alone with myself cos my mind is constant torture. Will this ever stop? Will these thoughts ever fade? I don't believe they will. I believe bpd is a condition that is manageable but not curable. No ect or therapy or amounts of money will help. We all have our demons and I suppose this is mine. I don't know any different. The patterns of my disordered thinking are drilled in without realizing. I can't even stray if I try. I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. And I don't think I'll ever be skinnier enough but alas I keep fighting and trying. These words are so pathetic. I'm a joke. I'd say I hope I die in my sleep but the thought scares me. You see the thing is I don't want to die but yet I'm still suicidal. I don't want to die but I don't know what else to do. There is no escape. I'm just such a coward like I have so much to live for yet so much to die for. See how I argue with myself? It's all I ever do. My mind is a battlefield but I'm the only one standing in the firing line of myself. I think the problem is I care too much. I feel too much and I do too much. But nothing is ever enough and neither is it ever good enough. I need to desperately lock myself away and never show my face again. My sad distorted face. Guilt shaming numbness. That's the best way to describe how I feel for breathing. I love my life but at the same time I say fuck my life. Okay I'll shut up now. I've already said too much. 

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Thanks a lot.

This is the only place I have where I can vent and someone goes and ruins it by ringing my mum. Thanks a lot. I will no longer be posting here. Hope you are happy. And what gets me is you didn't even get the point of the blog. You didn't ask if I'm okay you just rang my mum. Smoothe move. 

No one.

I'm there for everyone but who is there for me? I have no one checking up on me, if I did they would know I'm struggling. Struggling to fight for my life. But hey no one gives a shit so I'll cut a little bit more. Purge a little harder. And hold back tears because no one like the girl who's nothingness. You don't care. Be honest. Why would you. You will never know me. You lost your chance to save a life. So learn from me and don't make those mistakes again. Stop being so selfish and think of others. Ask are you okay? Send that message. It would mean so much if just one person bothered to care. 

Secrets

I have very few people to which I can honestly confess to. Probably one friend and my dietician. I hate lying but it's all I have to keep going. I'm in denial yes but I'm also struggling. I'm scared to speak because I'm scared who's listening. I don't know how much longer I can keep this going but I'm ready to push it as far as possible. These words are small but have an impact. I'm sorry I'm dying. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't tell anyone. I'm freaking out and I think it's only going to get worse. I'm just so fat and this is the only way. Please forgive me. 

Everyone uses Instagram for ED accounts but I can't use mine to vent cos too many people know me in real life and tell my mum. I know people are just worried but there's nothing to worry about. I'm fine. I will be fine. I just have to pick up and keep going. That's all there is to do. I'm so hungry. I could cry. But I can't seem to cry anymore. I'm just numb all the time which makes me want to cut because that's all I'm worth. Even then it's never deep enough. I'm so ashamed. God my arms are huge. They seem so bulky and get in the way all the time. And my thighs. Good lord it's all I see. I disgust myself. I'm revolted. I can't be this weight. The thought of gaining makes me suicidal. I need to restrict. I need to exercise I need I need but I just can't. I'm stuck in limbo because my parents won't let me get any lower but I just need to work harder. Water water water. That's it. No more. I've already said too much. Do I post this or not I can't decide. I'm going to save it as a draft I think

Saturday, 9 April 2016

Fatness.

When ever I whine or vent to someone how fat I am no one disagrees or comforts me so clearly I am huge and people turn up their noses on how disgustingly ugly I am. 

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

In the waiting room

Here I am in the waiting room at the doctors surgery and I'm so nervous for no reason like I feel like I'm about to sweat through myjumper. It's all good just a casual panic attack. It's all good don't know what I'm worried about I just panic every time I come here cos I have no idea what's going to happen. God I don't want to be weighed. The scales are so damaging here and it's never correct either from water loading and wearing lots of clothes. I'm told to just breathe but God I need some lorazepam or olanzapine. 
I'm wearing ugg boots but I still feel like my toes are numb. My whole body is just numb with fear. My blood pressure dropped to 73 yesterday so I'm blindly hoping it's not measured today. I feel so dizzy. It's not from not eating if anything it's from eating too much. I hate waiting it always seems to go on forever. I've been doing well with my medications and not having to take my oxazepam as much as last week when I was really struggling. I've also been avoiding phone calls from work cos I can't be bothered working more than I'm rosterwd I'm just so lazy and depressed. Feeling like shit. Just want to be free of this place. Can't be too much longer surely. 

So the doctors went fine. I lied about my weight and didn't get weighed. I like my doctor he understands and doesn't judge me. Just wants to help me as most people do if only I could help myself. It's basically said that I can die from this if I don't try and fight but it's so confusing cos there are so many anorexics that are actually looking anorexic where as I'm just a sad wannabe. I don't believe I look anorexic. I feel like such a fake. Sure I have an eating disorder but so what? There's a lot going on in my head at the moment and it's so depressing. I don't know what to do but sleep. I want to bake but then I won't eat it anyway so it's a waste of food. I am a waste of food. I'm a waste of space. Honestly I need to just disappear. 
I have work this weekend so see how that goes but I'm not looking forward to it. I wish I could have a day away from worries, away from guilt and stress and eat freely and not want to kill my self all the time. If I wasn't so embarrassing to myself. I know people talk about me. They always will and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Then there's the money issue. I may own a house but all that comes is bills and so that stresses me out and if I end up in hospital then I lose and owe even more money. I just see myself falling apart and there's nothing no one or anyone can do. 
Mums arranged for me to see another support worker next week who's been through the same thing. Maybe she can help I don't know. I'm running out of ideas I'm running out of hope. I don't want attention I just want to fade into darkness. 

Thursday, 31 March 2016

These sleepless nights

Can't sleep so I'll blog. Had a good day shopping and eating wise. Had such a good day so why do I now feel so crappy. On my fourth day of diarrhea and upset stomach. Taken so many tablets today it's amazing I don't rattle when I walk. Both tablets to stop sickness and head case. I feel another blue depression period coming on. Dang it. 
I'm so pissed off people like literally everyone I message never messages back like wtf is so wrong with me? I feel so rejected that no one wants me around all I want to do is cut and disappear into nothingness. I can't do this

Monday, 28 March 2016

Stupid people

I recently reached out to people I haven't seen or spoken to in a while and they rudely ignore me and don't reply. Which just makes it awkward when I see them down the street. I've done nothing wrong and yet I'm forced to feel like an idiot and like its my fault. Then if I happened to go and kill myself they would come to my funeral and be all upset. But while I'm alive they couldn't give a shit. It's just stupid. They are stupid and selfish. You wonder why people commit suicide and you blatantly ignore them and dousing care less otherwise while they're struggling and just wanted to say hi. I mean I would rather them message back and say I don't want to catch up then just ignore me. And one of them owes me their job. My old supervisor didn't like this person and said her resume was boring and didn't stand out compared to all the rest so I was nice and talked it up and got her the job because I'm a good person and that's what people do. Then another friend I have my old iPhone cos she was really struggling so then she hacks into my family's wifi and uses our internet and never speaks to me again. If she sees me down the street she literally looks the other way. 
I don't know why I bother honestly. 

Eternal struggle

Struggling quite badly. No event has triggered this I just am this way. I feel like such a burden and in everyone's way. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I don't want to die but it's the only escape. I want to punish myself. I've been cutting and sleeping that's about it. I can't do this. I'm almost close to going inpatient if it keeps up. My weight keeps fluctuating which is depressing me too I just want to be skinny but I'm so god damn fat. My legs are like tree trunks. I'm so repulsed by what I see. And it's what I have to live with. I need to starve myself but I'm pathetic and keep eating. Easter was s huge mistake. So much chocolate. God I'm such a pig. 
I can't do this. I need help. Might get mum to ring the mental health team or something I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know why I'm still slice. I don't know how to fix this and I'm scared. Scared of my mind, scared by my thoughts and scared of the future. I don't know what else to say so I thinkbillvlesve it at that. Sorry. 

Saturday, 26 March 2016

Only one escape

This is usually where I should ring lifeline but I'm trying to talk things through myself. I feel so low. I will never be skinny enough I will never be anything. I'm so lonely and yet such a heavy burden. Burden to my parents to my work, to the family and to the town. What am I suppose to live for? What is my aim? I want a family and kids but I can't see that happening. I'm so exhausted all I do is sleep. I wish I was happy, fun to be around but I'm not anymore and haven't been for a long time. What am I meant to do? I'm so lost and I only see one escape. I will never be thin enough so what do I do? I don't know how to be happy how to have feelings and be normal. I have work tomorrow but how can I pretend day after day to be happy and interested in life. Now I just feel like I'm going around in circles

Friday, 25 March 2016

Hypnotherapy

Short update

I'm keeping to short updates because I don't have the energy for longer ones. 

Watching someone struggle on Instagram has made me realize what a bad place I am in myself. Suicide would be so easy and quick. I've taken a lorazepam and oxazepam to calm me down but I still ended up cutting. Piss weak cuts might I add. Nothing a large bandaid can't hide. Surely no one will notice. I had to stop myself from doing more which was hard but I managed to restrict now I'm praying and listing to music. 
Another person commented today that I'm "looking good". Which makes me feel fat and huge like what the hec. I'm sure they meant well but it makes me feel like a failure. I will never be thin enough. I need to step it up a notch. I'm such a dissapointment to this family, to my work, to everything. What good am I ? 
I have nothing to offer the world. No boys are interested in me. Why would they I'm a ducking head case and they all think I'm crazy. 😖 it's clear I will never find a partner. I'm doomed to marry my sorrow. No one cares what happens to me. I've never been normal that i know. I'm sorry for breaking your hearts mum, dad and matt. I really am sorry. But I just don't know what to do. I'm lost in my own grief. No one to blame but me. I let this family down, myself down my life down. 
I don't know what's come over me so suddenly. I'm just such a disgrace and this depression is killing me. I'm so bored all the time but can barely read, barely paint and barely breath. I go to sleep in the afternoon because I can't be bothered to do anything else. If I could cry I would. It feels like it's building up inside and one day it's going to burst. Until then I shall carry my burdens and continue to survive . Another subject I need to cover in another post is why I left hypnotherapy. And I've decided to leave my councelling appointments too. Was wasting everyone's time including my own but save that story for another raining day. Sorry to anyone who reads this, I am truly sorry 😞

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Sudden vent

I really need to vent but have no one to vent to so here I go. I will hold back numbers and details. 
So I'm at my lowest ever and I don't know how I got here but then I'm told I'm looking really good so does that mean I'm fat or I'm a healthy weight? I don't know what to believe let alone think. I'm so stressed and my body is starting to follow. My head feels funny and I'm constantly exhausted. I had a huge breakthrough with my psychiatrist today about all my problems going back to when I was 13 and my nana died. Why does everything all have to go down hill from there like that was just the breakdown of my life. What happened to that little girl that was fun and carefree? I can't even remember her. Now she's a self conscious nervous slug. 
I'm so nervous I'm going to end up in hospital if I keep this up but I really can't go back there id rather die. I can't think of anything worse being there. I would be so devastated. I can't write much more I'm too stressed. Please God don't let this be the beginning of the end . 

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Again.

Feeling terrible so I will keep this short. Had my psych appt and she's given up asking me about coming into hospital which makes me think I must be huge. All this eating and no exercise is killing me. Tomorrow will be better. I was at least honest with my psych about the purges and not following the meal plan and the restricting so at least I'm not a liar. I confessed to her I can't gain weight cos if I leave and recover my eating disorder I'm stuck in the suicidal and depressed me. So either way I'm doomed. I don't know what to do. Do I ever know what to do? Tomorrow will be better. I weighed myself and I didn't like the numbers so what did I do? Abused laxatives. Fuck. Tomorrow is going to suck. I feel sick already. I'm so ashamed of myself there's nothing more to say

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Lost

here I am again. I meant to post this the other night but didn’t get around to it. I havent got around to much lately. One of the patients at work made a rude comment that I didnt know what i was doing. The sad thing is she was right. The other workers stood up for me and told me its not true and that im a good worker but the comment still hurt. I know i shouldnt of taken it to heart but I did. It bascialy just reinforced how i feel in life which is lost and confused like i dont know what im doing. I feel hopefless and alone though Im surrounded by family. Isn’t it funny how you know one thing but feel another dispite knowing whats real. I dont know. I am not making sense at all. I just have no idea whats what and whos who. I have my psychatrist appointment later today which im dreading because I havent done anything sahe has asked me to do so all i will be doing is lying. I hate lying but im so afraid of the repercussions which is hospital. Im not ready for hospital no way. now lunch is being served and I just want to skip it but I cant so I might as well have it early and get it out the way. I dont know what Im doing and I don’t know what else to say so lets just leave it there.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Chocolate struggle.

After today I know some things are wrong but still I'm so confused. My legs look like tree trunks. I disgust myself and can talk to very few about how I feel. I feel bad because I don't want to trigger anyone and I can't tell my family because I can't lose control. I can't let that happen. And tonight I was dying literally dying for chocolate but anorexia wouldn't let me have any. I ate vitamin gummies like lollies and had grapes and hot chocolate which is a huge amount and I feel so guilty about. It just gets to me because I don't look sick. No one notices because there's nothing appearing wrong. But even if I got thinner I couldn't last long because my parents won't let that happen. I need to starve tomorrow and not eat anything. I seem to drink my calories anyway so I'm not quite starving. I eat too much. So much. I don't need help because I can't be helped. There's nothing wrong as long as I don't eat.  I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to be thin and beautiful. Is that such a crime to want? To need? 
I need to exercise and maybe I'd see results but I can't because it's 40 degrees outside constantly. What am I doing. I can't write anymore. I need to study skinny people on Instagram to make me feel better. 

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Whoopsy.

It's appointment day again and tomorrow and I haven't done/prepared anything that I was suppose to. I didn't practice things and I failed at not purging the weight gained. Plus it's weigh day tomorrow which of course is weighing on my mind!! Someone kill me. I don't even care. I just want a day where their are no expectations of me that I can actually manage. I feel I'm not good enough. Not good enough for recovery or even as a daughter, friend, human or person. I'm in total denial that I have an eating dissorder and you know what I like it that way. Everyone else can just go away I've had enough.
 I've been in Adelaide for the past 4 days staying with my grandparents and at a friends just to get away. I don't know if it did me any good. I'm the clutsiest fool you could ever meet and I embarrass myself continually. I hate myself. I manage to drop two cans of Coke by accident in Vicki my friends hallway and they both spurted and burst and went all over the walls, carpet, floor, lyno everywhere over the kids pictures, photo frames. All out the front of the house when I threw them outside. so so embarrassed. Just wanted to go hide in a corner and cry. Like it could not have been worse. Fuck my life. Then just before I filled my water bottle and then the lid wasn't screwed on tight enough and I dropped that all over the floor. What the hell is wrong with me. Not to mention I'm broke. I've eaten too much and I'm still not allowed to exercise. I've also realized how stupid anorexia makes me think. I keep thinking water makes you fat because it does on the scales but not really. So confusing. And even though the hotter I cook my food and reheat it it does not cancel out the calories and burn them away. I'm so stupid. Now what do I do? Wait for the dreaded tomorrow to come. Wait for my GERD to end and wait for this water to drain, my fake tan to set and tomorrow to come. 

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

No one, anyone.

 I have no one. I am no one. No one wants to spend time with me, why would they ? I'm depressing as all hell. There was a time when I was fun before I was this mess. When I actually believed in myself that I could be anyone I wanted. Then life got in the way with my ED with my dissorders, with cutting, with not caring. I've always been a loner. And blogging only leads to trouble oh well. I don't believe I will ever find a partner. I don't believe I will ever be small enough, skinny enough, happy, or well. I chose between death and life everyday and I shamefully chose death. I feel so depressed right now I could overdose or attempt suicide but what good will it do? It will only fuck up my life more like it does every time. I don't know what's worse, knowing you want to die or wanting to die and accepting defeat that it will only fail. My heart is so weak right now it wouldn't take much. What's another scar? What's anothe mouthful? I'm a joke of an anorexic. For starters I eat. End of story. What I would give for just one meal to last, to not blow me up in my head. What I would do to starve myself. But I'm at the point any smaller I get I get admitted. Anymore weight loss I get admitted. Why can't I be an extreme case and doctors pretend not to notice my slimness. Let me be. Let me die the only way I know how. Let me cry until I drown. My mind is so confused. I see slim people and ache to be thin. I need to stop eating but hunger drives me. If I could just control my hunger and brain signals to eat I could be an extreme case . I need to exercise but the temperature is over 40 which would give me a heart attack . This is just too much to handle. These thoughts my words are too deep.i need this to stop. Make this stop. I pray, I beg I plead with God to make me thin. Now that's sad. I'm just a sad case no friends. 2 homes split in the middle. No visible friends. One severely depressed girl. 

Sunday, 21 February 2016

What ifs

I'm so angry and confused. Frustrated and irritable. I can't quite put it in to rewards but I'm not happy with my body. I need to step it up a notch. Starting tomorrow things are going to change. I'm going to be different. I'm going to change my eating habits if it kills me. I mean that quite literally. I need to lose these kilos I need to get there I'm so unhappy and unsatisified with my body it's disgusting. It feels so wrong like I'm dirty and can't get clean. This is too much. Too little, too less. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm lost. I have no control over the content and context of my life. This overwhelming feeling of despair is burdening and heavy. I'm doing so well and yet falling so far. If you really knew what was going on inside my head and knew how much I am struggling. You can't help though. Help me with what? Change? I will never change. That's the truth undone. I can't see it or even pretend. Can I let go of what I've done? They think I'm bad now just give me time. Tomorrow is a new beginning. I keep saying that and new days keep coming but change never seems to be short lived. Also what ive noticed is I seem to be living in the past thinking about actions and things I can no longer change and wonder how my life would be different. Why do I bother? It's literally wasting my time and yet I am stuck there. If I had finished school. If I hadn't gone overseas if I hadn't crashed my car twice. Why do these things happen to me? Why am I so selfish? Would I have friends if I'd stayed at school? What job would I be in and where would I live? Would I have found a partner ? Will I ever find a partner. What if what if what if .

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Creative bullshit.

Here we are. Another day another week another excuse. Another hypnotherapist appointment tomorrow. Plus psychiatrist appointment. Big day. Compared to today which consisted of my OT appointment and watching orange is the new black. Which makes me question how is life suppose to coexist with an ED and all this bullshit in my head. The voices are so loud. To restrict and purge. I hate my weight which is still BMI of 14 but it might as well be 20 by the way I feel. I depress myself more each day. I just want to cut but I know I'll get caught. I see high school kids and envy their innocence to life. What kind of life am I living? Where will this take me? I can't possibly do this forever can I? I'm struggling so badly. The pain is consuming. I'm ashamed of what I am and what is to come of me. I wonder why people don't like me then I realize why. Why I'm alone without friends, a partner anything. Everyone ignores my texts it's embarrassing but how do you change who you are. What you've done, what I've done. What to do now? I feel like my mind is broken glass in a million pieces never to be perfect and clear again. I can't do this. I don't know what I want in life but it's got to be more than this. Please lord help me change for the better. God I feel like cutting or overdosing. God help me this is the only place I can vent and say how I really feel. 

Monday, 1 February 2016

Desperate measures.

So im.05 away from my pre admission weight but im not happy about it. This blog probably wont follow regular layout, just be warned. My head is on so many paces at the moment, i cannot concentrate, i cant think all i want to do is be thinner. If my parents found out my weight they would flip. So hopefully they respect my privacy and don’t read my public blog LOL the irony.  My house is up for rent so i can make some money but it wont be months until all the bills are paid and that actually happens. Im glad about who is the tenant, i know i can trust her so thats one good thing but the women dealing with the case is a pain in my ass. Anywho no one realy cares about that. I have been humming and harring whether to post this or not but last wednesday was the worst night of my life. My parents have encouraged me to tell them how i am feeling and if i want to cut to wake them up at night. So one night i did that and they were really proud of me. then the next night I do the same and Dad flips his shit and loses control at me. Told me to hurry up and kill myself, get it over and done with and stop putting them through so much shit. Broke my heart. He wouldnt stop yelling at me and i just burst into tears and ran away. Im so confused wtf do they want??!! I can’t change how I feel so i feel guilty and so many emotions about that. Ive been living off lorazepam and oxazepam. Ended up cutting myself the day after but thats what he wants anyway so I don't fucking know.
I ended up going to see a doctor the following day and got a new medication mirtazipine added which honestly now a week later has made such a big difference. Not only does it help put me to sleep, I havent had to use lorazepam or oxazepam plus i wake up not feeling too terrible. Im still exhausted all day and what not but it is better. Placebo or not I dont know but its good. Also had an appointment to see a hypnotherapist and have my second appointment tomorrow, what harm can it do? Honestly im desperate. Desperate calls for desperate measurements. he seems nice enough and thinks he can generally help me so wish me luck!!
So many people I know and follow are deciding to go back to the eating dissorder ward. I wish I had the courage to tackle this disorder and do the same but Im just not ready. I cant give this up just yet. I am worried about my potassium levels though. I only have a few tablets left so Im trying to space them out.
Well its late afternoon and I need to start readying myself for tea. Just on the disney channel watching disney movies. Its the best. Only thing that gives me joy is disney movies. So good. Well cheerio.

Monday, 25 January 2016

set the record straight

Just finished work and ive been dying to blog. I just want to clear up a few things. because there are rumours getting through to even the patients i care for at work asking me if i throw up my food. NO I DO NOT THROW UP MY FOOD. I have anorexia nervosa purging subtype this means yes i will purge when extremely desperate but it also means behind closed doors i exercise like a mad woman day and night. stretching my body to its absolute limits. from 1 in the morning to 6 am i will exercise anytime to be undetected. so please can we clear the rumours of the vomiting. i admit when i am super struggling i will result to purging but that is not every day fter every meal as you people might think. i go to the toilet heaps becaause i donw so many fluids its unbelievable. i cant change the fact how fat i am and its driving me insane.
im really struggling at the moment. i hate my weight i am and just want to be sick and skinny again. thats all i want and i regret my suicide attempts failing and leaving me here to pick up the pieces. i feel like i have destroyed my life. what and who is left?? cos its not me. i dont know who i am anymore and that scares me. I’m so afraid. of food of fat people of myself. god i am so fat, im like a big balloon that needs to burst. I’m dreading thursday cos thats my weigh day with dad. and no matter the result will be horrendous. ive voided making a doctors appt and psychiatrist appt too trying to hide how much I’m struggling because i dont believe i can be saved, i dont deserve to be saved. ive taken a handful of pills of lorazepam and oxazepam tonight so im waiting for that to put me to sleep and out of this hell. this hell of my beautiful life. i have such a good life don’t get me wrong but why am i so mentally retarded about it. why cant i just be normal. what even is normal? fuck knows anymore thats all i can say.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Dear Anorexia/Rex #1.

Today anorexia stopped me going out publicly. I didn't have friends to go with so I went to the town oval Australia Day celebration with my favourite two aunties. I had a fabulous time with them but then anorexia creeps in. She crept right On top of my back and was making it hard to breathe, she made me anxious like what was I doing there. She stopped me eating anything because all I could focus on was fat people eating everywhere. I couldn't stop staring. There was forbidden foods everywhere and people were just eating it no worries😱  I felt so rude. I felt so alone besides being surrounded by my loving family. She didn't like the loud music so I had to leave and walk home because getting a lift doesn't burn calories. Anorexia didn't however ruin going out on the river with my main supporters mum and dad on one of our boats to watch the spectacular fireworks display that seemed to be only for us as it casts out over the river where we were. Anorexia did not steal that from me. 
Since coming home she's wanted me to cut and to overdose. So I've taken my meds and some lorazepam which wasn't a good idea cos I had been drinking but anorexia forgets that. She stopped me having a shower because I deserve to punish myself for not being better today. So mums taken my tablets away so I can't OD but I want to cut cos she needs to punish me. Punish me for being exposed in public, for eating meals today, for working and stopped me having fun. You turn fun into stress. Luckily a beautiful friend Ashlee stayed on the phone and walked me home before more self harm thoughts come in. Basically anorexia wants death. That is her goal, and I'm fighting as hard as I can. Please God bless me and help me beat this bitch. Because anorexia you are a bitch. Damn it Rex. Damn you and your illness. 

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Anorexia.

Anorexia has destroyed my life. I can barely breathe. I don't know what to say. I'm still being tube fed even though I'm fat and of a healthy weight. I'm still detained and can't toilet myself alone. This is just hell . I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. My pillow is wet from crying. Tomorrow I will write a letter to anorexia expressing how I feel . Right now all I can do is cry. I'm heartbroken as per the changes in my body. Anorexia is all about control so now being controlled by nurses, doctors, dietitians, ENT, psych teams, medical teams and more I have nothing left but a fat stomach, pudgy arms and thunder thighs. It's awful to look in the mirror and be repulsed by what you see. And to have no choice. I just want to go home so I keep eating and doing what they say but they won't let me leave and keep detaining me. I'm so confused and upset I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry  even then I can't control that

Monday, 18 January 2016

Pin prick.

So here I am again, my mind is taking over my thoughts and my thoughts are consuming my soul. I'm the weight of a heffalump and I can't see otherwise. I'm inconsolable I know. I'm already thinking about not eating breakfast tomorrow because all I am is repulsed by my body. I've cried for the last two hours about my weight and even now I'm teetering in the balance of tears if I stop listening to music. I'm listening to the same playlist which consists of the songs : I don't wanna be here anymore, make it stop - rise against , faint, what I've done and numb - linkin park, the world is ugly - mcr, Avalanche and throne - bring me the horizon. I might now turn to mcr to sleep . They always understand how I feel . Maybe has something to do with the fact they are all about death and so am I . 
Seriously considering pulling this damned tube out!!! It's pinned to my shirt with a safety pin.... Not very safe for me! Guess what happens now if I can't fight off these self harm thoughts. But if I hurt myself I only get detained longer so I'm fighting for my life right now, literally. 

Sunday, 17 January 2016

Update.

To tell you this whole story I need to start from the beginning which was last week. 

Started off a regular day where I thought I was okay and happy in the place of my life. But I was so caught up in not being good enough for myself that I wrote a suicide note and was on the phone to lifeline to which I hung up. I then went downstairs and made a milo to contemplate my next move. I was thinking of cutting because that's usually my first move when I want to hurt myself, or overdose which is usually more lethal. To be honest I was thinking both. I can't say if I knew I was going to die or not but I fucked up my life from here on in. 

So the phone rang and it was the police and my parents answered and then found me having not yet done anything. The police came to my house and detained me as a danger to myself. Saying goodbye to my hurt and distraught shame filled family and got in the back of the police car which took me directly to hospital. The police officers were very nice about it. The nurses to which some of them I work with had me admitted and that's where I stayed for the night. The next day I was admitted to flinders medical centre emergency department and directly admitted to ANU ward. To then overnight I stayed and was then admitted to ward 4gp which I still was suicidal and having a nurse sit with me and toilet and shower me 24/7 because I was then detained by medical default. I lasted about an hour in 4gp because I wasn't eating so they sent me back to ANU and tubed me with an ng tube to which took 6 goes from trainee doctors, 1 doctor then they finally rang an ENT who got it first shot. 
I never wanted any of this to happen I just wanted to be thin and beautiful which I couldn't see in myself so I was suicidal. With a BMI of 13 I couldn't see I had an eating disorder. After this being my third admission to the eating dissorder unit I lost my bed and was sent to bed 5 in the medical ward of flinders medical centre. 
Still not eating they upped my tube feed and my meal plan to which I slowly began to eat. 

This with a nurse watching me 24/7 has been my life for the last week to which I have gained 9kg. This mainly being fluid, food and shit (haven't had a decent crap in 9 days). My body is reacting fine to the feed and fluid just gaining weight rapidly. 
I've had so many nice nurses and my Aunty who has supported me 200% and rings me daily. So many people have showed they care and are thinking of me it's been a roller coaster or emotions. To which today Monday I was hoping to get my tube out but they haven't said yay or neigh. 
Seen so many doctors who knows what is going on. I don't want to recover. I just want to me thin and beautiful. Being detained until today but they haven't said if I'm free or not yet. Obviously I'm not cos I still have a nurse with me. 
My heart is broken I just want to go home and back to my life. My mum rang and upset me by telling me as long as I want to lose weight as soon as I get out I will never leave hospital but don't you understand that is anorexia you don't just snap out of it. It's the hardest disease to overcome and you can't just ditch it. It's overwhelming and life consuming. She sees it as life or death and has told me she is watching her baby die in her arms and there's nothing she can do to stop it happening. I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry dad and brother I'm sorry. I can't change who I am and I can't change how I feel. I understands this all hurts you but try and look at it from my point of view. I have no privacy no control over what I eat and forced to eat no nothing. I have nothing can you not see that. You think I'm doing this for attention or something I don't know but you have no idea what I'm going through and it's something you will never understand unless you are in the position yourself. I understand you're scared and worried. But so am I. And now I'm 9 kg heavier and wanting to die. Who gains that amount in a week? It's unreal and my brain can not cope with it. I'm struggling so badly I can't explain it. 
I keep stealing my knifes and being caught by nurses and I keep letting slip how I feel which just detains me longer. Looks like I'm never getting out of this hell. I'm stuck and lonely and ashamed. 
I write this now because I have no outlet other then when I write my little love letters to the nurses about how I'm feeling which is suicidal. Please someone just kill me. I'm so fat and I can't handle this. My meal plan is jumping from 1 to 4 tomorrow so I don't have my overnight feed tonight thank god. It's so hard to eat when you're full of fluid that is icky and disgusting. I feel like s big blown up balloon that's burst in the dirt. There's nothing I can do but cry. I want out. I want my life back. I'm scared and alone. I have nothing. Nothing my fear. I could run away and pull my tube out but I don't want any nurses in trouble and I don't want SAPOL after me again which they have said they will send if I leave. So what choice do I have other to comply? I don't know how much weight they want me to gain as I can already see it in my cheeks and in my thighs. My size 8 shorts that are usually big on me are now tight. I hate this. I just want to die. I have no escape. 
A nurse who got through to me last night told me I need an outlet and I believe this is it. Through writing. I don't know who I will reach out to or would be interested in reading this boring story but here it is. I hope someone benefits somehow someway.