Tuesday, 8 December 2015
So I was born 2 weeks early as I was breeched. I immediately became allergic to breast milk and than cows milk so they kept me in hospital until they switched me to soy milk which finally created a happy baby. I was slow walking more lazy than anything. But got there eventually. I had close friends at kindly that when they weren't there I would cry obviously starting to have separation anxiety thinking I'm being left alone forever. I made friends with whoever it didn't matter I just did my own thing. One by one friends would come and go. Meanwhile I was wetting the bed every night to no avail. Until I was 7 and started seeing a counsellor to help stop the bed wetting which it eventually did after multiple tests to why I was getting multiple bladder infections leading to reflux of the kidneys. So that was that. The shame still over my head I began to withdraw and have single friends rather than groups. One by one they all went away move reinforcing my abandonment issues which would later lead to borderline personality disorder. I played every sport possible and played in sapsassa school events constantly. I loved athletics and it was something I was good at! So then Year seven was the highlight of my life being school captain and having the freedom of the school I felt invincible. Then end of that year it all came to an end when the most influential person in my life that came and supported all my sporting events, watched all my netball games. died which was my nana then everyone around me started leaving me again. I was alone Everyone I made friends just reinforced with either moved away or died. That started my depression and cutting. I became obsessed with a band because I couldn't cope with anything so I worshipped my chemical romance. Everything they were I became. All their mannerisms, style of clothing and habits I formed. It was a full blown obsession. No one could listen to them but me they were my band. Not doing sport and Eating more I had gained a bit of weight and my dad told me to watch what I ate or I'd get fat so I had the idea I was fat already but I was sporty and loved athletics so I was healthy. Then Came glandular fever and I started losing weight, I lost interest in school in friends, in life. I started cutting again. I couldn't last full days at school. I couldn't eat I could barely walk then diagnosed with depression and chronic fatigue set in. Then my body went haywire and started rejecting wheat and gluten products making me have coeliac disease, having this new weight loss made me feel good. Endoscopies and colonoscopys begun and other procedures preformed on my poor body. So I was starving myself and eating less and less. Having trouble with my stomach and digestive system I felt like I had every diagnosis under the sun from inflammatory bowel disease to coeliacs. Struggling as I was then in a new group of friends I got my first boyfriend and in a few short months i was sexually abused by my boyfriend multiple times but I didn't know any different and didn't want to be alone so I stayed with him and it just became a regular occurrence and he would say I'm skinny but I could be skinnier and that's when the lunchs were skipped and the food thrown away. Starving began and still sick from glandular turning into chronic fatigue syndrome I was a bubble that would just float and after finally going out and drinking which my bf didn't like I found the courage to break it off so I turned to alcohol for power and would just get smashed with anyone. Ran away. Pretending all was okay blaming myself for not stopping it sooner. It was my own fault. More cutting more suicide attempts after attempts. Finally admitted to a psychiatric hospital a few times where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after I started to come clean about the abuse. Then the losing weight came as coping for that and now I am consumed by wanting to lose weight and I focus on that because I can't handle the abuse. Anorexia is my sole thoughts and keep me occupied. I have a big battle ahead and I'm slowly planning and learning how to tackle that. I go between hospital admissions and overdoses circling around trying to break the cycle of cutting and starving until I face up and one of these days go inpatient and just let it out. I'm thinking of being admitted somewhere so I can get this off my chest and stop going in circles.
So in typing this I hope I can help someone let out their demons as I was inspired to do so too. Please don't judge and gossip my story in respect for me. This is hard to let out to the world and I get the feeling it could lead to a bad repercussion. But I want to help someone the way it's helped me so here it goes.