Tuesday, 13 October 2015
I'm not okay.
I'm okay. It's ikay to take prescription drugs to sleep. It's okay to take them to hate yourself less. It's okay I'm nothing and empty. It's okay they slow me down because I'm useless anyway. It's okay I need to fall asleep so I don't cut myself. It's okay I spend half the night up on lifeline. It's okay I'm drugged off my face on benzodiazepines. I'm okay. I'm breathing. It's okay I don't cry anymore. It's okay my life is okay so why am I doing this to myself? I don't wanna be forced into hospital but I'm okay I'm not okay. I won't lose anymore weight even though I need to cos they are starting to notice but I can't control myself. It's okay one person can fuck your week up completely. It's okay the doctors say I'm not making progress. It's okay no one sees me drown, it's okay if I just take a deep breathe. Is it okay if I give in to the thoughts and just cut how I want. It's okay I only let my family, support system and dignity die. It's okay I would never be trusted again if I got caught so I hide it more. Nothing is really wrong with me so where is this coming from?? There are people way worse off than me so why am I being so selfish. It's not okay to be selfish. Is it safe to say I'm not okay?