Friday, 30 October 2015
I can see a single star through my blinds and i fully believe it's my nanas star. I'm at my worst and here she is keeping me strong. She is with me. I truest believe that. Gives me hope to imagin. Right now all I dream of is cutting. How did this happy girl end up in this position? I'm drowning from within. I should go talk to s nurse but what do I say hey I wanna cut. Yes that's what I could say but I won't. Nothing will make me feel better cos I'm so fat. Yes I'm on a eating disorder ward for anorexia so I can't be that big but anorexia is a mental illness not necessarily a body one. I've said too much already. I'm too fat for this.
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
The noose pulls tighter around my neck. My eyes turn black and my soul sets out. I'm free of this pain. The blood boils over but I'm flying high. I'm out of this world and into the next. The edge of darkness is closing around me. I feel as though I'm melting through my fingers. The sunshine blinds my already darkened eyes. I'm free. I feel pain releasing and guilt relieving. And then I wake up. I'm alive. But am I grateful? Is this life worth living? People love me but all I do is hurt them. Again and again I hurt them deeply. I'm so sorry to cause you pain if only you understood that this life is killing me and it's my own fault. I do this to myself at my own expense. You think this is all intentional but I assure you it's not. If only you saw how I see it.forgive me please forgive me for doing this to you all. My intention was to hurt me not every positive person in my life. This illness strikes again and pulls me in. I will fight for you but I'm not that strong. I will try for you but make no promises. I will keep on living not because it needs to be done but because you are important to me and losing you scares the shit out of me. Can you fix me now? Save me from myself? Who will help me fight? Don't let me drown. I'm here now. It's okay....... Isn't it?
Monday, 26 October 2015
Day two of my incarceration and I'm told I'm not well enough to go home... I was transferred from the eating dissorder ward to the cardiology monitoring ward. I've had three bags of potassium and now a bag of saline before I can be transferred back upstairs. I'm a little worried they said I was basically waiting for a heart attack to happen. Who would of thought potassium could be so important. Not sure what else to write. I wanted the latest iPhone but they are out of stock so I'm thinking maybe forget the iPhone and seeing as I sold my iPad get the newest ipad. But do I really need it? Probably not but oh well. Not much phone service so been sleeping seeing as internet not the best... Thank God I'm only here for a week... At least I hope I'm only here for a week :/
Sunday, 25 October 2015
I squeeze my toy bunny tighter and tighter. The only one to understand and no judgement because he is material and fluff and the single most important treasured item I own. I would die for bunny. So I've decided to take him inpatient with me tomorrow to the hospital. I'm so scared for tomorrow. I will be the fattest one there guaranteed. I'm the weight of a weight restored anorexic. BMI 14 is stupid. Means nothing to me. I don't think they can help me. I'm too far gone. I'm not worth saving in the first place. Contemplating taking a razor because I know I will feel the thoughts as my weight goes up I will have the urge to cut and with a razor I will attempt suicide. That's how bad I've come again. I'm sorry my family. But I'm broken. You don't need a broken embarrassment fool for a daughter and a sister. You say I'm killing myself. Yes that's exactly what I'm doing I'm just still alive to see the damage I do. Lord I'm sorry. Lifeline time? They are probably sick of me but j have no one else to talk to . So long fellow fools of imagination whatever that means . Try again for a better ending. When you find one let me know. Xx
Saturday, 24 October 2015
Here I am again one more day and then it's inpatient time. Considering taking a razor to cut my wrists when I gain weight. This is too much. I can't handle this already. I am too fat for life. I don't even have a life. Everything I see gives me ideas of how to kill myself. I just need to cut . This is not helping me tonight so I'm out
Friday, 23 October 2015
Starved myself for 3 days and then I end up gaining. Ugh why must I do this to myself. Mum and dad know about the weightloss and I'm being admitted but why now because I've gained back into a safe range. I can't do anything right and now I can't exercise cos my parents know about everything. I just want to crawl in a hole nnd stay there. This is torture
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
Weight day will be Saturday. I can do this. I have to type it now to reassure myself it's possible. 35 would be a win and it's going to be hard work I understand but if is something I have to do if I'm going to be admitted might as well be worth it
Monday, 19 October 2015
Here we are again.
I'm sick of this body in sick of these dissorders. I'm sick of being controlled. No more I'm taking myself back either commit to destroying myself completely or recovery from this mess. The mess of rehabilitation can't be that hard to clean can it? I freak over one kilo. How can the doctors scales say 39 and mine say 36. I'm going to starve this beast. The switch has been flicked. Bring it on. Day by day I will repeat this series. I don't care what specialists have to say or prescribe. I'm drugged enough to do this. And cutting well helllooooo back to being me. Every time I fail I will cut. It's what I deserve. I'm 22 and a loser. No one wants to be friends with you freak. Good for nothing. Lifeline is as good as it gets. Is suicide back in the cards for me? I can't talk to people about it cos once my mum knows the game is over and I'll never be left alone again. I do deserve to die. I always have. I'm sorry to those who love me but what have I really to offer the world? I was never meant to be here in this position . Never meant to be alive. I am nothing. 22 and as useless as a baby. I just want to cut myself. So much I will but not where I want. Wrists is what I want but that's too obvious. I don't want attention but lifeline is all I have. God keeps giving me chances and it's time I took them. Time to listen. Goodnighy
Saturday, 17 October 2015
After all my trips to the USA and Europe I'm finally starting to appeciate Australia. I thought living overseas would be such an experience and yes it would but why would I want to leave us and our beautiful culture. I didn't think we had one but when you think about it, we have nicknames and abbreviate everything like our own unique language. We wear thongs all year round, we say hello or g'day to any stranger. How you going is how we say hello. We have the cutest and deadliest animals. The southern cross is the most common tattoo you will find and not to mention our good old Aussie bbq! The blacker the better really.
I could go on but I don't particularly feel like writing an essay. But one things for sure we sure all be proud of this laid back country even if we can't make up our minds about the prime minister.
Catchya later mate x
Tuesday, 13 October 2015
I'm okay. It's ikay to take prescription drugs to sleep. It's okay to take them to hate yourself less. It's okay I'm nothing and empty. It's okay they slow me down because I'm useless anyway. It's okay I need to fall asleep so I don't cut myself. It's okay I spend half the night up on lifeline. It's okay I'm drugged off my face on benzodiazepines. I'm okay. I'm breathing. It's okay I don't cry anymore. It's okay my life is okay so why am I doing this to myself? I don't wanna be forced into hospital but I'm okay I'm not okay. I won't lose anymore weight even though I need to cos they are starting to notice but I can't control myself. It's okay one person can fuck your week up completely. It's okay the doctors say I'm not making progress. It's okay no one sees me drown, it's okay if I just take a deep breathe. Is it okay if I give in to the thoughts and just cut how I want. It's okay I only let my family, support system and dignity die. It's okay I would never be trusted again if I got caught so I hide it more. Nothing is really wrong with me so where is this coming from?? There are people way worse off than me so why am I being so selfish. It's not okay to be selfish. Is it safe to say I'm not okay?
Saturday, 10 October 2015
No I'm not fine not that you would care. It's about you. It's always about you. You make me the bad guy. How can I set myself free? I feel like I should hurt myself because that's what you do to me you make me want to cut myself. I've tried to help you so many times and all you do is push me away and ignore me. I'm struggling. I needed a friend and you were and never have been there. Yet I'm still there for you. How many times do I have to be the good guy? But oh I'm the bad guy that says hurtful things. One misunderstanding and look where it leaves me. You don't even care so I don't know why I'm so upset by this. I want to take a handful of tablets and cut so deep it can't be stitched together again. And if you committed suicide I would blame myself. It would destroy me. You would finish me off. Then I would have a reason for everyone to hate me and me hate me. Murderer. Please don't though. I still care enough to beg you not to die. Whatever I do is wrong however I feel is wrong. I don't know what to do or think or say. This whole situation is crap. All I can do is listen to music and hope and pray tomorrow is a better day where no one kills themselves and pain doesn't exist. Fuck this I have work tomorrow but cutting my wrist is too opportunistic. Fighting in my mind. Do or die. Carry on. Are you worth my blood? Am I worth another scar ? Are you worth destroying all that I've built. I was doing well before you came and woke this pain up. You've got hell to pay. I give up. Don't give in .
Wednesday, 7 October 2015
So today I had four coffees, four cups of soup, glass of orange juice, a milo, jelly, yoghurt, can of Coke, bottle of Sprite, bottle of ice tea and 1/3 bottle of water so it's understandable my weight is up 2kgs right??????????!!!! Please say yes because if it's still up tomorrow morning I'm going to lose it.