Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Today I cracked 36.4kg. Don't know how to feel about it. Makes my BMI 14.20 . Doesn't feel good enough. I'm still fat. But I'm so tired. It hurts to walk and I freak over everything I eat. Just had to confess somewhere to get it out my head. Freaking out I have to have lunch tomorrow at McDonalds.
I feel so plain. My mind is so blank I can't carry conversations anymore because no one is on inside. The light is out. Ding dong no ones home. Lord save me. Then the eating dissorder clinic and my counsellor rang me today. Monumentous day really. I refused a bed and I said I'm fine. Am I fine? I can't think. I'm not recovering cos I refuse to believe I'm ill. I haven't finished yet.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
They tell me to Come into hospital early to my iron transfusion so I do and now I've almost been waiting an hour and they haven't even put the canula in. So annoying lying here waiting. Doing nothing except instagraming. Probably going to be stuck here for lunch again.
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
Let me start by saying jakshfhjfkemsnxbhcjdkejcjcnskskjf!! I am sick I am furious and I am unforgiving.
My mum confessed to me today that my old bosses didn't want me working for them anymore because of my "mental breakdown" and overdoses they thought I would steal stuff. I worked there for 5 years. You would think a little trust could be implied but no only backstabbing. Despite all the nights I stayed back and worked, all the mornings I came early that I didn't get paid for but I did cos that was my job and I wanted to help people. You would think if anyone could understand mental illness it would be a community pharmacist. But no, all I recieved was continual judgement. All the work I took home was a joke. All my study was a complete waste of my time at their gain. Besides if I wanted to overdose from drugs I had enough in my own stash, I don't need to steal. I'm a good Christian girl. Now I know for sure everything I buy from there I am being judged.
I am furious and feeling quite ill that I put my heart and soul in to my work and they couldn't give a fuck and swept me out the door as quick as they could. And to think I was considering going back there! their entire set up is a joke. Everyone who works there hates it with good reason. I'm sorry I put everything into it and I now feel a fool. A complete fool for wanting to do good and help customers with my health and wellness knowledge. Well stuff you and stuff your pharmacy. I'm in a job now that I love and help real people as a nurse. Make a real difference in the world. Plus I work less and get paid twice as much.
Now what I need to do is forget this pharmacy nonsense and put it behind me. This news is already 2 years old but I felt the need to express it through blog. The only safe place I have. And if someone from the pharmacy ever reads this I can see where you were coming from but seriously you just couldn't get me out of there fast enough which I felt and was rude and my biggest regret is that I didn't do the dirty on you and only give you two weeks notice. Which just proves my loyalty that I gave notice 6 months before I left. But oh how did you respond? That's right by cutting my hours. You run the most stressful up in clouds joint and need to get your feet back on the ground. You are not God so stop acting like it.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Now I'm listening to my parents scream fighting in the background adding to my stress level . FML.
Sunday, 20 September 2015
So here I am. Am I here?
I've reached the point I'm too exhausted to walk. And when I all I can't walk as far or for as long. I don't know if it's the heat or my body telling me to stop. Either way I feel like I'm falling. Im cold almost all the time and I'm dizzy when I stand. As far as I know I haven't lost weight and I've had so many IVs in the last week my bloods should be fine. I have a blood form so maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I haven't walked (usual 1 hour walk) in just under a week. I'd like to get back into it but I have work and now a blood test tomorrow so it's probably not in my best interest to do so. And if I force myself to I know that's definetly the anorexia. I'm not sure from writing this what I hope to achieve or even become aware of but I feel like a failure. I haven't pushed far enough.
I take refuge in that tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning. And maybe a weight in even though the results good or bad will alter my day. Lord have mercy and help me through this. Whatever this is . Peace out xx
Saturday, 19 September 2015
Today was one of the first days anorexia stopped me from going out and living my life. Got invited to go down the river and be in the sun in this beautiful 30 degree heat. But after looking in the mirror and trying on countless different clothes I ended back in my original outfit and pulled out of going. I'm so disappointed in myself and ashamed of my body. I don't look well I don't look anything. Feeling depressed. Very depressed.
Wednesday, 16 September 2015
Wow. So nice to be home and in my own bed. Very fortunate life I have when I start to think of it. Was a little annoyed I was told I was going to stay an extra night in hospital so I ring up work sick and then they tell me I can go home but they had already covered my shift! Not happy. So I'm bed half hour earlier than what I would of if I had gone to work. Baked a banana cake and had about 5 cupcakes. But it's banana and coconut so it's all good. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Tomorrow was suppose to be weigh in day but now I've eaten cake I know I've gained. I haven't exercised for 3 days now. I might as well crawl in a hole and die.
Tuesday, 15 September 2015
You win again anorexia. I was procrastinating making the call but I found the courage to call in to work sick. I am still in hospital and staying an extra night that I did not see coming. I didn't realize the damage I have been doing to my body and it's starting to get to me the power and how severe this problem is becoming. It's making me sick. Sounds silly but I don't see myself as sick and yet here I am. All I have done is eat and sleep today and that's been exhausting enough. A friend said to me today my earring dissorder is holding me back and she is absolutely right. It is holding me back it's made this strong, confident, extroverted woman into a shy timid introverted girl who is afraid of the future and Regrets the past.
What has become of me? Is this all I am? A number on a scale?
My hair is oily and my roots are full of dandruff. I am one big hypocritical explanation. I feel like a wreck. I look like death. I am a mess. Will God have mercy on my soul or will I burn in hell. So far it's hell on earth.
You win this round anorexia but look out round 2. Sarah is starting to wake up to all your lies. Your nothing but a back stabber. I know your tricks and pain you cause. I feel the hunger the rage you out upon me. Now you better watch out! Get out of my way! Ima coming!
So today I had a GP appointment with s different doctor as mind is away for a few weeks and after my blood tests showed my kidney functioning isn't great and my potassium has dropped I've been admitted and on a potassium drip and oh my gosh it's painful!! I don't have much else to say other than that. I missed my walk today so I'm not too happy about that but oh well just have thoughts rambling in my head. I've been colouring in my colouring book and now I'm watching TBL and amazed how fat people can get.
Tried to reach out to an old friend today but she only put me down. Don't know why I bothered and ever give her the time of day. She doesn't give a shit about anyone other than herself. Diddums. No more. I refuse to be brought down every time by her negativity. I am a good person with s good heart. She is neither and that's not my problem or fault. Good luck to her and her life and good riddance!
Monday, 14 September 2015
I created a tumblr account. As sarecopeland but I don't feel comfortable using it. It feels too open, just not right. I can't express myself there as much as I can here with my previous devious posts. So I will start again and post here. At this current time I have no followers and that's fine by me I'm not doing this for followers or to change the world, I'm looking for a place to vent without filter. Previous posts from my tumblr read :
Am I really anorexic?
Anorexia is hard work. It doesn’t come easily. Other than being mentally and physically exhausted 100% of the time. You can’t sleep you can’t think. And I’m only experiencing this with a BMI of 15. Most real anorexics are BMI 12 or less. I’m no where near. Rough journey ahead. I suck at this. Every day is a bigger disaster than the next. Does anorexia make you smart or stupid because you’re doing stupid things for one reason to lose weight which is stupid. Yet most anorexics are smart with good grades. What is wrong with me. I thought I had anorexia but clearly I don’t.
Sunshine and smiles?
Sunshine and smiles my ass. I’m no where near smiles and sunshine. Bloody hypocrite. This whole thing is bullshit. Yes I’m negative tonight okay. I’ve had enough wjdjfidiejjcjjccjjdjskskdkcjjdjd blah blah blah all I do is talk. I’m stupid, useless, a hypocrite, a freak big fat whale