Sunday, 24 May 2015
I find it so very confusing. I feel one thing and am the exact opposite as well. I want to get better but I want to control myself. I can't think what I had planned to write. My mind is a black hole lately. My head is in the clouds and I don't know what I'm doing half the time let alone understand why. My ankles hurt from doing so many jumping jacks. I can't stop eating as I'm starving. Guilt drowns me. My eyes burn from being alive. Death evades me but sercomes me. I want to die but have no plan of attack. I moreso just don't see the point in all this. I can't tommy to anything especially not myself. I take these pills in hope I'll lose weight when really I know they won't do much but mask my guilt for 5 minutes. Bit like a bandaid. Whatever works for that short period of time is good enough for me cos I might not be here in that ending second. No more please. It burns. I could go all night but I best not. Please don't send me back to eating dissorder ward. I'm too fat for starters. Why can't I just admit to myself I will never even commit to my ED oh because of my BPD. Well that makes sense. Leaves me with a bit to think about. To cover my ED I need to cover my BPD. But is that even possible because it's forever. Fair to say I'm fueieksjdhfhruejsched.