Saturday, 31 January 2015
There is no point to life. We all think what is the point? Why are we Alice? Why should I live?
Overtime I have come to believe we do not live for yourselves at all but we live for others. For our mother and fathers brothers and sisters, our families. For the system. Any reason for someone else that wants us but we are not to live for ourselves.
No one reads this. I can't help others cos I can't even help myself. I'm afraid of my future, my days, my time I'm afraid of me. Who am I kidding. I don't have control. I have nothing but those around me. I want them in my life I want them in my life but nothing can change me. I'm hanging by a thread. I think if I stopped my medication I could probably fall off the edge. I have the thoughts. Honey they never leave. I'll say whatever you want me to just let me drown. I'm already underwater. I can't see my future. I don't see it! I don't! Why am I here!? For goodness sake what the hell is wrong with me. Oh wait I know the answers to that but can I change? I need to try but for who. For you or for me?
God I'm sorry I sin this much. I'm a disgrace. I shouldn't vent on the Internet but hey might make for a good study one day. I'm swallowed by my guilt. I feel numb and yet I ache. I fake so much and you fools think I'm happy. I should have taking up acting. I should have done a lot of things. But I didn't and this is all I am.
Tuesday, 27 January 2015
Tuesday, 20 January 2015
I won't say too much my friends as we will be meeting regularly i imagine for the next few weeks. Oh the excitement of it all! I can hardly jump for excitement. Pity I'm in bed.
Well I have destroyed one friendship today. Put my heart through her chest and just ripped it out really. My best friend too. We were going to a music festival together as planned for for months!!! As we previously attended one for the same band and now to see the front man Gerard way of my chemical romance . I hate myself enough as it is to let alone not be able to attend what would be an outstanding performance. (Even though his new solo album isn't all that a bag a chips and a big chip to boot) did I say that? No of course not. I will send him an email though. Maybe I will get a tattoo instead to commemorate.
Anyway I'm drifting off topic here. So I can't go and now the hotel booking is cancelled she wanted her money back straight away which I obligingly paid ASAP. I will miss her. But where I left from when I worked with her she has replaced me with another girl the same girl who will probably go with her so she is probably not that upset by me maybe even relieved. But I will email Gerard way and tell him of my sorrows.
Stupid hospital. Stupid overdosing. Stupid self harming. I hate you Facebook. Stupid anorexia nervosa go eat a cow. Stupid depressions.
Stupid dumm arschloch dummkopf meine.