Tuesday, 8 December 2015
So I was born 2 weeks early as I was breeched. I immediately became allergic to breast milk and than cows milk so they kept me in hospital until they switched me to soy milk which finally created a happy baby. I was slow walking more lazy than anything. But got there eventually. I had close friends at kindly that when they weren't there I would cry obviously starting to have separation anxiety thinking I'm being left alone forever. I made friends with whoever it didn't matter I just did my own thing. One by one friends would come and go. Meanwhile I was wetting the bed every night to no avail. Until I was 7 and started seeing a counsellor to help stop the bed wetting which it eventually did after multiple tests to why I was getting multiple bladder infections leading to reflux of the kidneys. So that was that. The shame still over my head I began to withdraw and have single friends rather than groups. One by one they all went away move reinforcing my abandonment issues which would later lead to borderline personality disorder. I played every sport possible and played in sapsassa school events constantly. I loved athletics and it was something I was good at! So then Year seven was the highlight of my life being school captain and having the freedom of the school I felt invincible. Then end of that year it all came to an end when the most influential person in my life that came and supported all my sporting events, watched all my netball games. died which was my nana then everyone around me started leaving me again. I was alone Everyone I made friends just reinforced with either moved away or died. That started my depression and cutting. I became obsessed with a band because I couldn't cope with anything so I worshipped my chemical romance. Everything they were I became. All their mannerisms, style of clothing and habits I formed. It was a full blown obsession. No one could listen to them but me they were my band. Not doing sport and Eating more I had gained a bit of weight and my dad told me to watch what I ate or I'd get fat so I had the idea I was fat already but I was sporty and loved athletics so I was healthy. Then Came glandular fever and I started losing weight, I lost interest in school in friends, in life. I started cutting again. I couldn't last full days at school. I couldn't eat I could barely walk then diagnosed with depression and chronic fatigue set in. Then my body went haywire and started rejecting wheat and gluten products making me have coeliac disease, having this new weight loss made me feel good. Endoscopies and colonoscopys begun and other procedures preformed on my poor body. So I was starving myself and eating less and less. Having trouble with my stomach and digestive system I felt like I had every diagnosis under the sun from inflammatory bowel disease to coeliacs. Struggling as I was then in a new group of friends I got my first boyfriend and in a few short months i was sexually abused by my boyfriend multiple times but I didn't know any different and didn't want to be alone so I stayed with him and it just became a regular occurrence and he would say I'm skinny but I could be skinnier and that's when the lunchs were skipped and the food thrown away. Starving began and still sick from glandular turning into chronic fatigue syndrome I was a bubble that would just float and after finally going out and drinking which my bf didn't like I found the courage to break it off so I turned to alcohol for power and would just get smashed with anyone. Ran away. Pretending all was okay blaming myself for not stopping it sooner. It was my own fault. More cutting more suicide attempts after attempts. Finally admitted to a psychiatric hospital a few times where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after I started to come clean about the abuse. Then the losing weight came as coping for that and now I am consumed by wanting to lose weight and I focus on that because I can't handle the abuse. Anorexia is my sole thoughts and keep me occupied. I have a big battle ahead and I'm slowly planning and learning how to tackle that. I go between hospital admissions and overdoses circling around trying to break the cycle of cutting and starving until I face up and one of these days go inpatient and just let it out. I'm thinking of being admitted somewhere so I can get this off my chest and stop going in circles.
So in typing this I hope I can help someone let out their demons as I was inspired to do so too. Please don't judge and gossip my story in respect for me. This is hard to let out to the world and I get the feeling it could lead to a bad repercussion. But I want to help someone the way it's helped me so here it goes.
Friday, 30 October 2015
I can see a single star through my blinds and i fully believe it's my nanas star. I'm at my worst and here she is keeping me strong. She is with me. I truest believe that. Gives me hope to imagin. Right now all I dream of is cutting. How did this happy girl end up in this position? I'm drowning from within. I should go talk to s nurse but what do I say hey I wanna cut. Yes that's what I could say but I won't. Nothing will make me feel better cos I'm so fat. Yes I'm on a eating disorder ward for anorexia so I can't be that big but anorexia is a mental illness not necessarily a body one. I've said too much already. I'm too fat for this.
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
The noose pulls tighter around my neck. My eyes turn black and my soul sets out. I'm free of this pain. The blood boils over but I'm flying high. I'm out of this world and into the next. The edge of darkness is closing around me. I feel as though I'm melting through my fingers. The sunshine blinds my already darkened eyes. I'm free. I feel pain releasing and guilt relieving. And then I wake up. I'm alive. But am I grateful? Is this life worth living? People love me but all I do is hurt them. Again and again I hurt them deeply. I'm so sorry to cause you pain if only you understood that this life is killing me and it's my own fault. I do this to myself at my own expense. You think this is all intentional but I assure you it's not. If only you saw how I see it.forgive me please forgive me for doing this to you all. My intention was to hurt me not every positive person in my life. This illness strikes again and pulls me in. I will fight for you but I'm not that strong. I will try for you but make no promises. I will keep on living not because it needs to be done but because you are important to me and losing you scares the shit out of me. Can you fix me now? Save me from myself? Who will help me fight? Don't let me drown. I'm here now. It's okay....... Isn't it?
Monday, 26 October 2015
Day two of my incarceration and I'm told I'm not well enough to go home... I was transferred from the eating dissorder ward to the cardiology monitoring ward. I've had three bags of potassium and now a bag of saline before I can be transferred back upstairs. I'm a little worried they said I was basically waiting for a heart attack to happen. Who would of thought potassium could be so important. Not sure what else to write. I wanted the latest iPhone but they are out of stock so I'm thinking maybe forget the iPhone and seeing as I sold my iPad get the newest ipad. But do I really need it? Probably not but oh well. Not much phone service so been sleeping seeing as internet not the best... Thank God I'm only here for a week... At least I hope I'm only here for a week :/
Sunday, 25 October 2015
I squeeze my toy bunny tighter and tighter. The only one to understand and no judgement because he is material and fluff and the single most important treasured item I own. I would die for bunny. So I've decided to take him inpatient with me tomorrow to the hospital. I'm so scared for tomorrow. I will be the fattest one there guaranteed. I'm the weight of a weight restored anorexic. BMI 14 is stupid. Means nothing to me. I don't think they can help me. I'm too far gone. I'm not worth saving in the first place. Contemplating taking a razor because I know I will feel the thoughts as my weight goes up I will have the urge to cut and with a razor I will attempt suicide. That's how bad I've come again. I'm sorry my family. But I'm broken. You don't need a broken embarrassment fool for a daughter and a sister. You say I'm killing myself. Yes that's exactly what I'm doing I'm just still alive to see the damage I do. Lord I'm sorry. Lifeline time? They are probably sick of me but j have no one else to talk to . So long fellow fools of imagination whatever that means . Try again for a better ending. When you find one let me know. Xx
Saturday, 24 October 2015
Here I am again one more day and then it's inpatient time. Considering taking a razor to cut my wrists when I gain weight. This is too much. I can't handle this already. I am too fat for life. I don't even have a life. Everything I see gives me ideas of how to kill myself. I just need to cut . This is not helping me tonight so I'm out
Friday, 23 October 2015
Starved myself for 3 days and then I end up gaining. Ugh why must I do this to myself. Mum and dad know about the weightloss and I'm being admitted but why now because I've gained back into a safe range. I can't do anything right and now I can't exercise cos my parents know about everything. I just want to crawl in a hole nnd stay there. This is torture
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
Weight day will be Saturday. I can do this. I have to type it now to reassure myself it's possible. 35 would be a win and it's going to be hard work I understand but if is something I have to do if I'm going to be admitted might as well be worth it
Monday, 19 October 2015
Here we are again.
I'm sick of this body in sick of these dissorders. I'm sick of being controlled. No more I'm taking myself back either commit to destroying myself completely or recovery from this mess. The mess of rehabilitation can't be that hard to clean can it? I freak over one kilo. How can the doctors scales say 39 and mine say 36. I'm going to starve this beast. The switch has been flicked. Bring it on. Day by day I will repeat this series. I don't care what specialists have to say or prescribe. I'm drugged enough to do this. And cutting well helllooooo back to being me. Every time I fail I will cut. It's what I deserve. I'm 22 and a loser. No one wants to be friends with you freak. Good for nothing. Lifeline is as good as it gets. Is suicide back in the cards for me? I can't talk to people about it cos once my mum knows the game is over and I'll never be left alone again. I do deserve to die. I always have. I'm sorry to those who love me but what have I really to offer the world? I was never meant to be here in this position . Never meant to be alive. I am nothing. 22 and as useless as a baby. I just want to cut myself. So much I will but not where I want. Wrists is what I want but that's too obvious. I don't want attention but lifeline is all I have. God keeps giving me chances and it's time I took them. Time to listen. Goodnighy
Saturday, 17 October 2015
After all my trips to the USA and Europe I'm finally starting to appeciate Australia. I thought living overseas would be such an experience and yes it would but why would I want to leave us and our beautiful culture. I didn't think we had one but when you think about it, we have nicknames and abbreviate everything like our own unique language. We wear thongs all year round, we say hello or g'day to any stranger. How you going is how we say hello. We have the cutest and deadliest animals. The southern cross is the most common tattoo you will find and not to mention our good old Aussie bbq! The blacker the better really.
I could go on but I don't particularly feel like writing an essay. But one things for sure we sure all be proud of this laid back country even if we can't make up our minds about the prime minister.
Catchya later mate x
Tuesday, 13 October 2015
I'm okay. It's ikay to take prescription drugs to sleep. It's okay to take them to hate yourself less. It's okay I'm nothing and empty. It's okay they slow me down because I'm useless anyway. It's okay I need to fall asleep so I don't cut myself. It's okay I spend half the night up on lifeline. It's okay I'm drugged off my face on benzodiazepines. I'm okay. I'm breathing. It's okay I don't cry anymore. It's okay my life is okay so why am I doing this to myself? I don't wanna be forced into hospital but I'm okay I'm not okay. I won't lose anymore weight even though I need to cos they are starting to notice but I can't control myself. It's okay one person can fuck your week up completely. It's okay the doctors say I'm not making progress. It's okay no one sees me drown, it's okay if I just take a deep breathe. Is it okay if I give in to the thoughts and just cut how I want. It's okay I only let my family, support system and dignity die. It's okay I would never be trusted again if I got caught so I hide it more. Nothing is really wrong with me so where is this coming from?? There are people way worse off than me so why am I being so selfish. It's not okay to be selfish. Is it safe to say I'm not okay?
Saturday, 10 October 2015
No I'm not fine not that you would care. It's about you. It's always about you. You make me the bad guy. How can I set myself free? I feel like I should hurt myself because that's what you do to me you make me want to cut myself. I've tried to help you so many times and all you do is push me away and ignore me. I'm struggling. I needed a friend and you were and never have been there. Yet I'm still there for you. How many times do I have to be the good guy? But oh I'm the bad guy that says hurtful things. One misunderstanding and look where it leaves me. You don't even care so I don't know why I'm so upset by this. I want to take a handful of tablets and cut so deep it can't be stitched together again. And if you committed suicide I would blame myself. It would destroy me. You would finish me off. Then I would have a reason for everyone to hate me and me hate me. Murderer. Please don't though. I still care enough to beg you not to die. Whatever I do is wrong however I feel is wrong. I don't know what to do or think or say. This whole situation is crap. All I can do is listen to music and hope and pray tomorrow is a better day where no one kills themselves and pain doesn't exist. Fuck this I have work tomorrow but cutting my wrist is too opportunistic. Fighting in my mind. Do or die. Carry on. Are you worth my blood? Am I worth another scar ? Are you worth destroying all that I've built. I was doing well before you came and woke this pain up. You've got hell to pay. I give up. Don't give in .
Wednesday, 7 October 2015
So today I had four coffees, four cups of soup, glass of orange juice, a milo, jelly, yoghurt, can of Coke, bottle of Sprite, bottle of ice tea and 1/3 bottle of water so it's understandable my weight is up 2kgs right??????????!!!! Please say yes because if it's still up tomorrow morning I'm going to lose it.
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Today I cracked 36.4kg. Don't know how to feel about it. Makes my BMI 14.20 . Doesn't feel good enough. I'm still fat. But I'm so tired. It hurts to walk and I freak over everything I eat. Just had to confess somewhere to get it out my head. Freaking out I have to have lunch tomorrow at McDonalds.
I feel so plain. My mind is so blank I can't carry conversations anymore because no one is on inside. The light is out. Ding dong no ones home. Lord save me. Then the eating dissorder clinic and my counsellor rang me today. Monumentous day really. I refused a bed and I said I'm fine. Am I fine? I can't think. I'm not recovering cos I refuse to believe I'm ill. I haven't finished yet.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
They tell me to Come into hospital early to my iron transfusion so I do and now I've almost been waiting an hour and they haven't even put the canula in. So annoying lying here waiting. Doing nothing except instagraming. Probably going to be stuck here for lunch again.
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
Let me start by saying jakshfhjfkemsnxbhcjdkejcjcnskskjf!! I am sick I am furious and I am unforgiving.
My mum confessed to me today that my old bosses didn't want me working for them anymore because of my "mental breakdown" and overdoses they thought I would steal stuff. I worked there for 5 years. You would think a little trust could be implied but no only backstabbing. Despite all the nights I stayed back and worked, all the mornings I came early that I didn't get paid for but I did cos that was my job and I wanted to help people. You would think if anyone could understand mental illness it would be a community pharmacist. But no, all I recieved was continual judgement. All the work I took home was a joke. All my study was a complete waste of my time at their gain. Besides if I wanted to overdose from drugs I had enough in my own stash, I don't need to steal. I'm a good Christian girl. Now I know for sure everything I buy from there I am being judged.
I am furious and feeling quite ill that I put my heart and soul in to my work and they couldn't give a fuck and swept me out the door as quick as they could. And to think I was considering going back there! their entire set up is a joke. Everyone who works there hates it with good reason. I'm sorry I put everything into it and I now feel a fool. A complete fool for wanting to do good and help customers with my health and wellness knowledge. Well stuff you and stuff your pharmacy. I'm in a job now that I love and help real people as a nurse. Make a real difference in the world. Plus I work less and get paid twice as much.
Now what I need to do is forget this pharmacy nonsense and put it behind me. This news is already 2 years old but I felt the need to express it through blog. The only safe place I have. And if someone from the pharmacy ever reads this I can see where you were coming from but seriously you just couldn't get me out of there fast enough which I felt and was rude and my biggest regret is that I didn't do the dirty on you and only give you two weeks notice. Which just proves my loyalty that I gave notice 6 months before I left. But oh how did you respond? That's right by cutting my hours. You run the most stressful up in clouds joint and need to get your feet back on the ground. You are not God so stop acting like it.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Now I'm listening to my parents scream fighting in the background adding to my stress level . FML.
Sunday, 20 September 2015
So here I am. Am I here?
I've reached the point I'm too exhausted to walk. And when I all I can't walk as far or for as long. I don't know if it's the heat or my body telling me to stop. Either way I feel like I'm falling. Im cold almost all the time and I'm dizzy when I stand. As far as I know I haven't lost weight and I've had so many IVs in the last week my bloods should be fine. I have a blood form so maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I haven't walked (usual 1 hour walk) in just under a week. I'd like to get back into it but I have work and now a blood test tomorrow so it's probably not in my best interest to do so. And if I force myself to I know that's definetly the anorexia. I'm not sure from writing this what I hope to achieve or even become aware of but I feel like a failure. I haven't pushed far enough.
I take refuge in that tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning. And maybe a weight in even though the results good or bad will alter my day. Lord have mercy and help me through this. Whatever this is . Peace out xx
Saturday, 19 September 2015
Today was one of the first days anorexia stopped me from going out and living my life. Got invited to go down the river and be in the sun in this beautiful 30 degree heat. But after looking in the mirror and trying on countless different clothes I ended back in my original outfit and pulled out of going. I'm so disappointed in myself and ashamed of my body. I don't look well I don't look anything. Feeling depressed. Very depressed.
Wednesday, 16 September 2015
Wow. So nice to be home and in my own bed. Very fortunate life I have when I start to think of it. Was a little annoyed I was told I was going to stay an extra night in hospital so I ring up work sick and then they tell me I can go home but they had already covered my shift! Not happy. So I'm bed half hour earlier than what I would of if I had gone to work. Baked a banana cake and had about 5 cupcakes. But it's banana and coconut so it's all good. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Tomorrow was suppose to be weigh in day but now I've eaten cake I know I've gained. I haven't exercised for 3 days now. I might as well crawl in a hole and die.
Tuesday, 15 September 2015
You win again anorexia. I was procrastinating making the call but I found the courage to call in to work sick. I am still in hospital and staying an extra night that I did not see coming. I didn't realize the damage I have been doing to my body and it's starting to get to me the power and how severe this problem is becoming. It's making me sick. Sounds silly but I don't see myself as sick and yet here I am. All I have done is eat and sleep today and that's been exhausting enough. A friend said to me today my earring dissorder is holding me back and she is absolutely right. It is holding me back it's made this strong, confident, extroverted woman into a shy timid introverted girl who is afraid of the future and Regrets the past.
What has become of me? Is this all I am? A number on a scale?
My hair is oily and my roots are full of dandruff. I am one big hypocritical explanation. I feel like a wreck. I look like death. I am a mess. Will God have mercy on my soul or will I burn in hell. So far it's hell on earth.
You win this round anorexia but look out round 2. Sarah is starting to wake up to all your lies. Your nothing but a back stabber. I know your tricks and pain you cause. I feel the hunger the rage you out upon me. Now you better watch out! Get out of my way! Ima coming!
So today I had a GP appointment with s different doctor as mind is away for a few weeks and after my blood tests showed my kidney functioning isn't great and my potassium has dropped I've been admitted and on a potassium drip and oh my gosh it's painful!! I don't have much else to say other than that. I missed my walk today so I'm not too happy about that but oh well just have thoughts rambling in my head. I've been colouring in my colouring book and now I'm watching TBL and amazed how fat people can get.
Tried to reach out to an old friend today but she only put me down. Don't know why I bothered and ever give her the time of day. She doesn't give a shit about anyone other than herself. Diddums. No more. I refuse to be brought down every time by her negativity. I am a good person with s good heart. She is neither and that's not my problem or fault. Good luck to her and her life and good riddance!
Monday, 14 September 2015
I created a tumblr account. As sarecopeland but I don't feel comfortable using it. It feels too open, just not right. I can't express myself there as much as I can here with my previous devious posts. So I will start again and post here. At this current time I have no followers and that's fine by me I'm not doing this for followers or to change the world, I'm looking for a place to vent without filter. Previous posts from my tumblr read :
Am I really anorexic?
Anorexia is hard work. It doesn’t come easily. Other than being mentally and physically exhausted 100% of the time. You can’t sleep you can’t think. And I’m only experiencing this with a BMI of 15. Most real anorexics are BMI 12 or less. I’m no where near. Rough journey ahead. I suck at this. Every day is a bigger disaster than the next. Does anorexia make you smart or stupid because you’re doing stupid things for one reason to lose weight which is stupid. Yet most anorexics are smart with good grades. What is wrong with me. I thought I had anorexia but clearly I don’t.
Sunshine and smiles?
Sunshine and smiles my ass. I’m no where near smiles and sunshine. Bloody hypocrite. This whole thing is bullshit. Yes I’m negative tonight okay. I’ve had enough wjdjfidiejjcjjccjjdjskskdkcjjdjd blah blah blah all I do is talk. I’m stupid, useless, a hypocrite, a freak big fat whale
Sunday, 24 May 2015
I find it so very confusing. I feel one thing and am the exact opposite as well. I want to get better but I want to control myself. I can't think what I had planned to write. My mind is a black hole lately. My head is in the clouds and I don't know what I'm doing half the time let alone understand why. My ankles hurt from doing so many jumping jacks. I can't stop eating as I'm starving. Guilt drowns me. My eyes burn from being alive. Death evades me but sercomes me. I want to die but have no plan of attack. I moreso just don't see the point in all this. I can't tommy to anything especially not myself. I take these pills in hope I'll lose weight when really I know they won't do much but mask my guilt for 5 minutes. Bit like a bandaid. Whatever works for that short period of time is good enough for me cos I might not be here in that ending second. No more please. It burns. I could go all night but I best not. Please don't send me back to eating dissorder ward. I'm too fat for starters. Why can't I just admit to myself I will never even commit to my ED oh because of my BPD. Well that makes sense. Leaves me with a bit to think about. To cover my ED I need to cover my BPD. But is that even possible because it's forever. Fair to say I'm fueieksjdhfhruejsched.
Saturday, 31 January 2015
There is no point to life. We all think what is the point? Why are we Alice? Why should I live?
Overtime I have come to believe we do not live for yourselves at all but we live for others. For our mother and fathers brothers and sisters, our families. For the system. Any reason for someone else that wants us but we are not to live for ourselves.
No one reads this. I can't help others cos I can't even help myself. I'm afraid of my future, my days, my time I'm afraid of me. Who am I kidding. I don't have control. I have nothing but those around me. I want them in my life I want them in my life but nothing can change me. I'm hanging by a thread. I think if I stopped my medication I could probably fall off the edge. I have the thoughts. Honey they never leave. I'll say whatever you want me to just let me drown. I'm already underwater. I can't see my future. I don't see it! I don't! Why am I here!? For goodness sake what the hell is wrong with me. Oh wait I know the answers to that but can I change? I need to try but for who. For you or for me?
God I'm sorry I sin this much. I'm a disgrace. I shouldn't vent on the Internet but hey might make for a good study one day. I'm swallowed by my guilt. I feel numb and yet I ache. I fake so much and you fools think I'm happy. I should have taking up acting. I should have done a lot of things. But I didn't and this is all I am.
Tuesday, 27 January 2015
Tuesday, 20 January 2015
I won't say too much my friends as we will be meeting regularly i imagine for the next few weeks. Oh the excitement of it all! I can hardly jump for excitement. Pity I'm in bed.
Well I have destroyed one friendship today. Put my heart through her chest and just ripped it out really. My best friend too. We were going to a music festival together as planned for for months!!! As we previously attended one for the same band and now to see the front man Gerard way of my chemical romance . I hate myself enough as it is to let alone not be able to attend what would be an outstanding performance. (Even though his new solo album isn't all that a bag a chips and a big chip to boot) did I say that? No of course not. I will send him an email though. Maybe I will get a tattoo instead to commemorate.
Anyway I'm drifting off topic here. So I can't go and now the hotel booking is cancelled she wanted her money back straight away which I obligingly paid ASAP. I will miss her. But where I left from when I worked with her she has replaced me with another girl the same girl who will probably go with her so she is probably not that upset by me maybe even relieved. But I will email Gerard way and tell him of my sorrows.
Stupid hospital. Stupid overdosing. Stupid self harming. I hate you Facebook. Stupid anorexia nervosa go eat a cow. Stupid depressions.
Stupid dumm arschloch dummkopf meine.