Monday, 17 March 2014

Love and happiness.

Wo my horoscope keeps telling me about my relationships are so good and true. Does my horoscope know I have BPD? I have no emotions. I don't believe in love or  happiness. I can believe in the unconditional kind. But not the other. Love is taken too seriously and happiness? Who the hell knows what that means. Ha what a joke. You got me good world. I'm flying through on a low radar without detection. I can't feel your love or the fact you care. Your prayers don't reach me as God has put me in this position. I don't blame anyone but myself. I think I am possessed at times. And Anna, her voice has changed, her taunts and luring me in. Just a little bit here and there. Control of the uncontrollable is all I can hope for. Connection? I don't any connection to this pityfull world. The more people I talk to th more I know I'm different and should just stay alone. I used to like stringing people along and hurting them but now relationships are an all for most they are too deep. They scare me in a way because even if you knew the bad in me there is still the worse I can't share. I'm only going to hurt more people th more I accociate with. I've known this all to a long time. Now I'm blabbering. To cut or not to cut is the question. 

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

I miss you.

You died before I could understand. You died before I knew you. You were already my idol, you probably didn't even know. You probably didn't even notice me.
Who am I kidding. You were there for me. That's why it hurts. 
You loved us all. You kept living your life letting nothing stop you and stand in your way. You were braver then I will ever be. You were stronger then and more that I can aspire to. 
Unconditional love is the best kind. You will always have a special place in my heart filled with joyful, special and precious memories.
 I'll never let you go. I want to be with you but I'm not allowed. Please one day take me with you because where you are is where I want to be. 
If you knew me now you would be ashamed. Something tells me you are watching and disapproving but what does it matter. I walk alone. In spirit in mind. lord help me on judgement day. 
What I would give for one more of your hugs. I miss you. 

Monday, 10 March 2014

Face down.

It seems the harder I try, the further I fall. 
When I try I hang on I go numb. 
Dissocosiate? Please, I was never connected. 
You look me up, I couldn't notice. 
See my scars, they keep me afloat? 
Why do this? It's all I know. 
I can't stop, I don't want to. 
Hurt myself, constant pain is my life:
You know not what emotion can do when your detached from a soul.

When something is stolen from you, your left empty, deprived, sick and torn. What could make it worse ? When worse is the limit. 
Don't stalk me, as I can find my way around you, This thing is stronger then you. 
Hold me back it will push you down. 

You can only fall as far as the floor. Dear child, you know not what you say. 

I rest my eyes for another day. 
My heart aches still, 
See you in hell. 

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Buzz like a bee.

I keep waiting for an excuse to hurt myself but nothing out if the ordinary happens so I do it anyway. Just another lie. It's controlled, isn't it? My eyes are burning to stay open. 
I could listen to BVB all night. What is to happen to me? I hate this foreboding ache. To be free of this pain is to be nothing. To be nothin history drift away in the wind. That's the relaxation I need. To be a feather and to fly. Without a thought or a life. One might be external. 
I'm sorry but I don't even know what I am saying. But to bra feather sounds nice, wouldn't you agree kitty?  

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Who can save me now?

Forgive my grammatical errors kitty. Here I am, this demon climbing to weep from my wrist. I have done little to fight it because it is what I want, why can't I have what I want? Everything I want is judged as bad or unwanted by others, how is this fair? What I want is personal. 21 and what I want is in my hands. If I hold a knife to my own skin, it is my choice alone. I do not ask for help. I am forever told, call me, I don't care what time, call me or text me I want to help, what if I don't want to be helped? What if I'm too late to be helped?
I'm so lost I can't remember a time other than this. They think I'm doing well when I'm doing worse. 
I hide in day dreams and escape through nightmares . Who can save me now? I pray for God. My Lord Jesus I believe has given me this for a reason. 

He has tried to teach me blogging is a bad idea and yet I continue because it is like a message to him but open for the world. 
Just one little incision. One little mark. Hidden with a smile and a laugh. It will be fine, I will hide through another day.