Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Drowning in the shallow end.

I don't know where I belong, if I do belong somewhere. 
I don't mean to sound shallow, whiney and unthankful for my life but all I do is make a mess of it. Wouldn't it be better for someone ith direction and drive to better utilize my fortunate situation of a beautiful and loving home. The situation is not a problem. I am the problem. By don't things work out? Because of me? Why do things go wrong? Because of me. By are things missing? Because of me me me me me. That's all ther is to it. 

And I quote "nothing is worth it if your not happy". 

I'm blinded and hold my breathe because I can sense I'm on the vey edge of the already falling cliff top. That pit in my stomach will not keep me afloat.  I'm going to sink to the bottom of the depths below. Do I jump or just wait for it to happen on it's own? I can't step back becaus I can't look back. Looking back isn't an option. Looking back is harder then death and I'm not strong enough. I can help others look back but I can't help myself. 

No one knows this is all in my mind. Everyone is preoccupied with their normal relationships. I'm not saying I've been forgotten but I sure as hell am irrelivent to most. You have the people that make you happy and I'm not one I know but I'm drowning over here and there isn't anyone to save me. My parents reach out to pull me up but is the unconditional love smothering so much that they really are tired and regretful and let go. 

I confess. I have sinned. The cutting has begun again. 
I see the way it goes and this night is far from over. 

One day this world will end. And now I must resist typing lyrics. 
Guten naught kinder.  xx

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