Friday, 21 February 2014
Behold my Monster.
When people say I look well I take it as I have too much fat on my bones and that I am fat. It's the only word that comes to my mind. When I see people who are bigger I don't see them as fat some look really nice but then yes there are obviously obese people which I would call fat.
The feeling of thinness is hard to describe. It's controlling and light. It is faint and fulfilling. It may numb my senses and darken my eyes but it becomes me. Completing me breathlessly.
There are so many burdens to carry and things going on in life and yet I stay fixated on this selected course.
I know my idea of skinny is unhealthy and lively unachievable as it is childlike not women like. I see stick thin, up and down. No curves, no lumps but smooth calming firmness.
This is what I strive and envy. I see those sick and skinny and wonder if they are happy? I wonder if I will ever be happy with my body or have I ever? As soon as I became aware of mine my confidence lessened and I turned into this dark creature of the night with pale skin and sunken eyes.
I regret to admit that I starve. I do a lot of things. The worse from which I try to limit is the eating of something with the intention of purging. This I am ashamed. This is my monster; my eating disorder.