Friday, 21 February 2014
When people say I look well I take it as I have too much fat on my bones and that I am fat. It's the only word that comes to my mind. When I see people who are bigger I don't see them as fat some look really nice but then yes there are obviously obese people which I would call fat.
The feeling of thinness is hard to describe. It's controlling and light. It is faint and fulfilling. It may numb my senses and darken my eyes but it becomes me. Completing me breathlessly.
There are so many burdens to carry and things going on in life and yet I stay fixated on this selected course.
I know my idea of skinny is unhealthy and lively unachievable as it is childlike not women like. I see stick thin, up and down. No curves, no lumps but smooth calming firmness.
This is what I strive and envy. I see those sick and skinny and wonder if they are happy? I wonder if I will ever be happy with my body or have I ever? As soon as I became aware of mine my confidence lessened and I turned into this dark creature of the night with pale skin and sunken eyes.
I regret to admit that I starve. I do a lot of things. The worse from which I try to limit is the eating of something with the intention of purging. This I am ashamed. This is my monster; my eating disorder.
Friday, 14 February 2014
What makes me happy? What makes me feel?
I enjoy Disney movies because thy make me feel I'm in a simpler time with simple ignorance.
But Disney movies can only get you so far. I want to be dead. I want to rot. I want to commit suicidle but I can't I've tried and no matter what someone hurts. If I die, I hurt everyone. But by living I'm killing myself inside. I'm stuck in this cycle of self hate and pain. I don't know what to do because there is nothing to do. So much guilt. Guilt sinks me down and just nothing.... I'm lost beyond worth saving.
Was it bad? More complicated then bad. They both just can't express themselves and read each other wrong. I think they have forgotten themselves as a couple as their life together has turned into a chore not really a relationship. They both don't see the point and both think the other doesn't care. Ones crying for the others attention and for sympathy but wouldn't say I love you to when I know she does. I almost interrupted them to point out the psychology of it all and just tell one to say the three words. What gets me is this is marriage. This is life. Relationships change. I really can't see the point. I will always be alone because shit is too much. I can't listen to this shit. Life is bad. Everything that happens is bad. Where is th good in life!!?? Cos it sure as hell doesn't exists. This is all bullshit. All of it. What can I say? For what do I have to look forward to? Future confusion.
Running. I feel like running.
Drowning. Screaming, falling, cutting , dying.
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
I don't know where I belong, if I do belong somewhere.
I don't mean to sound shallow, whiney and unthankful for my life but all I do is make a mess of it. Wouldn't it be better for someone ith direction and drive to better utilize my fortunate situation of a beautiful and loving home. The situation is not a problem. I am the problem. By don't things work out? Because of me? Why do things go wrong? Because of me. By are things missing? Because of me me me me me. That's all ther is to it.
And I quote "nothing is worth it if your not happy".
I'm blinded and hold my breathe because I can sense I'm on the vey edge of the already falling cliff top. That pit in my stomach will not keep me afloat. I'm going to sink to the bottom of the depths below. Do I jump or just wait for it to happen on it's own? I can't step back becaus I can't look back. Looking back isn't an option. Looking back is harder then death and I'm not strong enough. I can help others look back but I can't help myself.
No one knows this is all in my mind. Everyone is preoccupied with their normal relationships. I'm not saying I've been forgotten but I sure as hell am irrelivent to most. You have the people that make you happy and I'm not one I know but I'm drowning over here and there isn't anyone to save me. My parents reach out to pull me up but is the unconditional love smothering so much that they really are tired and regretful and let go.
I confess. I have sinned. The cutting has begun again.
I see the way it goes and this night is far from over.
One day this world will end. And now I must resist typing lyrics.
Guten naught kinder. xx