Saturday, 26 April 2014
So we meet again blog. I'm sorry for my recent deterrence. I have since bought a diary and moved to handwriting my thoughts rather then casting them all over the Internet. I think I could write a short novel of my life, and add all these darn things, I mean it's worth a try right? I think my life is pretty interesting. In a way. We are all interesting and we all have a story to to tell. I would like my story to be heard but not interpreted or copied. Things I have done are so wrong and I would hate for people to get idea from me, whichs puts me off doing anything. Fuck, it's 1am already. I can't type and I'm tired. May we meet again in a more peaceful state.
Monday, 17 March 2014
Wo my horoscope keeps telling me about my relationships are so good and true. Does my horoscope know I have BPD? I have no emotions. I don't believe in love or happiness. I can believe in the unconditional kind. But not the other. Love is taken too seriously and happiness? Who the hell knows what that means. Ha what a joke. You got me good world. I'm flying through on a low radar without detection. I can't feel your love or the fact you care. Your prayers don't reach me as God has put me in this position. I don't blame anyone but myself. I think I am possessed at times. And Anna, her voice has changed, her taunts and luring me in. Just a little bit here and there. Control of the uncontrollable is all I can hope for. Connection? I don't any connection to this pityfull world. The more people I talk to th more I know I'm different and should just stay alone. I used to like stringing people along and hurting them but now relationships are an all for most they are too deep. They scare me in a way because even if you knew the bad in me there is still the worse I can't share. I'm only going to hurt more people th more I accociate with. I've known this all to a long time. Now I'm blabbering. To cut or not to cut is the question.
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
You died before I could understand. You died before I knew you. You were already my idol, you probably didn't even know. You probably didn't even notice me.
Who am I kidding. You were there for me. That's why it hurts.
You loved us all. You kept living your life letting nothing stop you and stand in your way. You were braver then I will ever be. You were stronger then and more that I can aspire to.
Unconditional love is the best kind. You will always have a special place in my heart filled with joyful, special and precious memories.
I'll never let you go. I want to be with you but I'm not allowed. Please one day take me with you because where you are is where I want to be.
If you knew me now you would be ashamed. Something tells me you are watching and disapproving but what does it matter. I walk alone. In spirit in mind. lord help me on judgement day.
What I would give for one more of your hugs. I miss you.
Monday, 10 March 2014
It seems the harder I try, the further I fall.
When I try I hang on I go numb.
Dissocosiate? Please, I was never connected.
You look me up, I couldn't notice.
See my scars, they keep me afloat?
Why do this? It's all I know.
I can't stop, I don't want to.
Hurt myself, constant pain is my life:
You know not what emotion can do when your detached from a soul.
When something is stolen from you, your left empty, deprived, sick and torn. What could make it worse ? When worse is the limit.
Don't stalk me, as I can find my way around you, This thing is stronger then you.
Hold me back it will push you down.
You can only fall as far as the floor. Dear child, you know not what you say.
I rest my eyes for another day.
My heart aches still,
See you in hell.
Sunday, 9 March 2014
I keep waiting for an excuse to hurt myself but nothing out if the ordinary happens so I do it anyway. Just another lie. It's controlled, isn't it? My eyes are burning to stay open.
I could listen to BVB all night. What is to happen to me? I hate this foreboding ache. To be free of this pain is to be nothing. To be nothin history drift away in the wind. That's the relaxation I need. To be a feather and to fly. Without a thought or a life. One might be external.
I'm sorry but I don't even know what I am saying. But to bra feather sounds nice, wouldn't you agree kitty?
Saturday, 8 March 2014
Forgive my grammatical errors kitty. Here I am, this demon climbing to weep from my wrist. I have done little to fight it because it is what I want, why can't I have what I want? Everything I want is judged as bad or unwanted by others, how is this fair? What I want is personal. 21 and what I want is in my hands. If I hold a knife to my own skin, it is my choice alone. I do not ask for help. I am forever told, call me, I don't care what time, call me or text me I want to help, what if I don't want to be helped? What if I'm too late to be helped?
I'm so lost I can't remember a time other than this. They think I'm doing well when I'm doing worse.
I hide in day dreams and escape through nightmares . Who can save me now? I pray for God. My Lord Jesus I believe has given me this for a reason.
He has tried to teach me blogging is a bad idea and yet I continue because it is like a message to him but open for the world.
Just one little incision. One little mark. Hidden with a smile and a laugh. It will be fine, I will hide through another day.
Friday, 21 February 2014
When people say I look well I take it as I have too much fat on my bones and that I am fat. It's the only word that comes to my mind. When I see people who are bigger I don't see them as fat some look really nice but then yes there are obviously obese people which I would call fat.
The feeling of thinness is hard to describe. It's controlling and light. It is faint and fulfilling. It may numb my senses and darken my eyes but it becomes me. Completing me breathlessly.
There are so many burdens to carry and things going on in life and yet I stay fixated on this selected course.
I know my idea of skinny is unhealthy and lively unachievable as it is childlike not women like. I see stick thin, up and down. No curves, no lumps but smooth calming firmness.
This is what I strive and envy. I see those sick and skinny and wonder if they are happy? I wonder if I will ever be happy with my body or have I ever? As soon as I became aware of mine my confidence lessened and I turned into this dark creature of the night with pale skin and sunken eyes.
I regret to admit that I starve. I do a lot of things. The worse from which I try to limit is the eating of something with the intention of purging. This I am ashamed. This is my monster; my eating disorder.
Friday, 14 February 2014
What makes me happy? What makes me feel?
I enjoy Disney movies because thy make me feel I'm in a simpler time with simple ignorance.
But Disney movies can only get you so far. I want to be dead. I want to rot. I want to commit suicidle but I can't I've tried and no matter what someone hurts. If I die, I hurt everyone. But by living I'm killing myself inside. I'm stuck in this cycle of self hate and pain. I don't know what to do because there is nothing to do. So much guilt. Guilt sinks me down and just nothing.... I'm lost beyond worth saving.
Was it bad? More complicated then bad. They both just can't express themselves and read each other wrong. I think they have forgotten themselves as a couple as their life together has turned into a chore not really a relationship. They both don't see the point and both think the other doesn't care. Ones crying for the others attention and for sympathy but wouldn't say I love you to when I know she does. I almost interrupted them to point out the psychology of it all and just tell one to say the three words. What gets me is this is marriage. This is life. Relationships change. I really can't see the point. I will always be alone because shit is too much. I can't listen to this shit. Life is bad. Everything that happens is bad. Where is th good in life!!?? Cos it sure as hell doesn't exists. This is all bullshit. All of it. What can I say? For what do I have to look forward to? Future confusion.
Running. I feel like running.
Drowning. Screaming, falling, cutting , dying.
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
I don't know where I belong, if I do belong somewhere.
I don't mean to sound shallow, whiney and unthankful for my life but all I do is make a mess of it. Wouldn't it be better for someone ith direction and drive to better utilize my fortunate situation of a beautiful and loving home. The situation is not a problem. I am the problem. By don't things work out? Because of me? Why do things go wrong? Because of me. By are things missing? Because of me me me me me. That's all ther is to it.
And I quote "nothing is worth it if your not happy".
I'm blinded and hold my breathe because I can sense I'm on the vey edge of the already falling cliff top. That pit in my stomach will not keep me afloat. I'm going to sink to the bottom of the depths below. Do I jump or just wait for it to happen on it's own? I can't step back becaus I can't look back. Looking back isn't an option. Looking back is harder then death and I'm not strong enough. I can help others look back but I can't help myself.
No one knows this is all in my mind. Everyone is preoccupied with their normal relationships. I'm not saying I've been forgotten but I sure as hell am irrelivent to most. You have the people that make you happy and I'm not one I know but I'm drowning over here and there isn't anyone to save me. My parents reach out to pull me up but is the unconditional love smothering so much that they really are tired and regretful and let go.
I confess. I have sinned. The cutting has begun again.
I see the way it goes and this night is far from over.
One day this world will end. And now I must resist typing lyrics.
Guten naught kinder. xx