Sunday, 10 November 2013
You can only ever go so far before it all falls down again. We all know that. Seven steps forward and eight back is the Chinese proverb.
You read you hear you see and remember. Remember the thoughts and feelings you've previously had. You feel them all too hard again. They will never leave you , how could you be so stupid to think they would?
Foolish child, God loves and forgives you, the two things you can't do to yourself.
I can erase my mind of the past and I can set my eyes on what's to come in th unknown but I can't understand why. If everything is suppose to happen for a reason why are we all ignorant to that reason. Read your horoscope or g your palm read, you will still never understand the past and or know the future.
That feeling of pain in your chest is real. It is present.
Suicide is so easy and so complicated. It's devastating and freeing. It's revealing and confusing. Alive or dead. It's complicates and contradicts lives.
I can't let the fire die because it is all I am. The fire burns on because I am nothing else.
Looking up at the skies falling around me I feel lost and afraid. I should be asleep in another dimension living in dreams which feel like someone else's . Thoughts that are someone else's are just as intruding but it's you. Your that potent.
I hate myself for allowing myself to be bullied and abused. I can't forgive myself for quiting my 40 week therapy because of the exhaustion and havoc It reeked in and around me. I'm the baby of my parents and that's where I've fallen. They pick me up because they have unconditional love for me that I don't deserve. I take a new step tomorrow to try again. I don't think I will ever please myself or love myself. Life seems to be a hard enough punishment. I think of cutting all the time. Every piece of wire, every razor and every knife . My guiltiest pleasure and coping mechanism. Making me feel safe and secure drowning my fear.
My scars are my reminders. My scars are my proof. I am still alive and breathing. I should would could be happy but I don't believe in feelings so I will continue to act how people expect me to and match th situation, I'll try to put others first and to pay debt to society, I will gain back the relationships I've lost through people through others. I'll hold my breathe for a little bit longer.
So now saying a prayer, wiping my eyes dry with Kleenex, and sleep bound I will carry on,
We'll carry on.