Friday, 15 November 2013

As I fade in the dark.

I'm going backwards I know. But I can't tell anyone with out letting who cares down and burdening people that don't know the extent of my problems. When I set free and release all these submission confessions of my mind the nightmare will continue as I fear those close reading it. They say thing are bet out in the open and maybe once I finally did at last people will say, well at least she is as peace. 

At my course I'm studying we we're asked to list 10 things that would make quality of life for us. Everyone had 10 or more whereas I struggled to think 3. 
1, mascara & eyeliner 2, pet cat 3, being able to use hands to play piano or violin. 
Everything, I mean everything - friends, family, money, cars, food, joy etc I already live without or can live without. It may appear that my life contains some things when really in my mind what it contains is something else. You may never know. 

I feel guilty for the pain and suffering I put People. That's why I am such a burden. If your reading this I assume you read the chapter where I am trying to explain myself, my situation and the people that love me unconditionally my mother and father. I put them through hell and back. I don't deserve them and I'm afraid of their thoughts because I know these words and submissions will bring many tears to many eyes. I'm afraid my entire world around me will have read this and know my thoughts and secrets. Or maybe I could publish this as fiction and it can be used as an example of a borderline sufferer. 
I can keep it a secret from those who know me and still scare the shit out of everybody who reads this. 
I'm sorry mum. I'm sorry dad. I'm sorry brother and sister. I'm sorry cousin, uncle and aunt. Forgive me lord for in have sinned. Love - a topic I should explain. 
This night marches on. 
God help up all. 

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