Saturday, 16 November 2013
The overwhelming feeling of fear and dvostation. I'm running, I'm screaming to my mother.
Then every thing goes black around me. Everything but my screams. Waking up is not an option nor possible becaus I don't know what world or inbetween I stand.
I cry and flashed with light and I'm jolted in my stance. I'm free for a little longer if I could just get to where I wanted.
And I scream even more.
I don't believe I can be saved as I'm lost in th ocean of torture and 94% of that is yet to be explored.
Gods love is stronger than fear. Believe as he will cast them out.
Friday, 15 November 2013
I'm going backwards I know. But I can't tell anyone with out letting who cares down and burdening people that don't know the extent of my problems. When I set free and release all these submission confessions of my mind the nightmare will continue as I fear those close reading it. They say thing are bet out in the open and maybe once I finally did at last people will say, well at least she is as peace.
At my course I'm studying we we're asked to list 10 things that would make quality of life for us. Everyone had 10 or more whereas I struggled to think 3.
1, mascara & eyeliner 2, pet cat 3, being able to use hands to play piano or violin.
Everything, I mean everything - friends, family, money, cars, food, joy etc I already live without or can live without. It may appear that my life contains some things when really in my mind what it contains is something else. You may never know.
I feel guilty for the pain and suffering I put People. That's why I am such a burden. If your reading this I assume you read the chapter where I am trying to explain myself, my situation and the people that love me unconditionally my mother and father. I put them through hell and back. I don't deserve them and I'm afraid of their thoughts because I know these words and submissions will bring many tears to many eyes. I'm afraid my entire world around me will have read this and know my thoughts and secrets. Or maybe I could publish this as fiction and it can be used as an example of a borderline sufferer.
I can keep it a secret from those who know me and still scare the shit out of everybody who reads this.
I'm sorry mum. I'm sorry dad. I'm sorry brother and sister. I'm sorry cousin, uncle and aunt. Forgive me lord for in have sinned. Love - a topic I should explain.
This night marches on.
God help up all.
Does reading all this make you feel depressed at all? Or how? That you know my secrets, my fears and my lies. I think my writing this could possibly be more damaging then good. If I could help just one person I would approve this whatever it is. I fear who reads this. Someone I talked to today? Someone who saw me that I didn't see? Questions in need of answers .. = life.
As usual I appolagize my blabber.
I can feel the mucous in my crushing my lungs. Antipyretics fail to reduce my fever and I won't be sleeping anytime soon. Sorry! I am wondering who is out there. Like when I hear a plane I look up to see and think of all the people on there and their lives. When vise versa and I'm on a plane I wonder about the people below, their lives with accomplishes and loses. All the pain and joy. No one I know yet someone I might come across or maybe someone you know who's friends cousin has heard of.
Too short a life, too simple, too difficult and confusing! I want to shoot myself in the head due to what lies beneath. Today I learned of water babies. In hospital of a terminaly ill born child thy feed water into their brains until it crushes or drowns their poor brains. Thy are asleep and possibly on morphine but their heads can just keep expanding due to that water. I see myself as each day I continue to live I am glad I get closer to my death and actually think to myself To put me in a placid deceiving mood that there is a possibility of me dying today. If I go out I increase the chance of an accident happening than if I just stayed at home.
Are you questioning people in your head? Did you see me lately and think I was doing well? Thought I was happy and improving? Haha jokes on you. You or anyone will never change this mind of mine and that is just how things go.
If this blog is to continue I may publish. I've pathetically been giving it thought lately if anyone would be gutsy or silly enough to publish it. I can think of many books and publishing not worth a minute considering to read.
For now I keep my borderline mind within the border of this page.
I hope I did not depress you too much.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Music brings back memories and feelings leaving me in a state of severe depression. I allowed myself as I wanted to feel petty and sorry for myself without reason other than feeling unjust.
The more I think about myself, the sicker I feel. This thick feeling of a bowling ball in my stomach. I want to throw up so I wash down some mor pills and some more pills to tire myself. I turn off the music.
Say a little prayer for me or better yet don't. To hold out and fight the night yet again. Hopefully my guardian angel will grace me and give me another chance to let go of the pain and th sufferings on my mind.
Lord have mercy.
You can only ever go so far before it all falls down again. We all know that. Seven steps forward and eight back is the Chinese proverb.
You read you hear you see and remember. Remember the thoughts and feelings you've previously had. You feel them all too hard again. They will never leave you , how could you be so stupid to think they would?
Foolish child, God loves and forgives you, the two things you can't do to yourself.
I can erase my mind of the past and I can set my eyes on what's to come in th unknown but I can't understand why. If everything is suppose to happen for a reason why are we all ignorant to that reason. Read your horoscope or g your palm read, you will still never understand the past and or know the future.
That feeling of pain in your chest is real. It is present.
Suicide is so easy and so complicated. It's devastating and freeing. It's revealing and confusing. Alive or dead. It's complicates and contradicts lives.
I can't let the fire die because it is all I am. The fire burns on because I am nothing else.
Looking up at the skies falling around me I feel lost and afraid. I should be asleep in another dimension living in dreams which feel like someone else's . Thoughts that are someone else's are just as intruding but it's you. Your that potent.
I hate myself for allowing myself to be bullied and abused. I can't forgive myself for quiting my 40 week therapy because of the exhaustion and havoc It reeked in and around me. I'm the baby of my parents and that's where I've fallen. They pick me up because they have unconditional love for me that I don't deserve. I take a new step tomorrow to try again. I don't think I will ever please myself or love myself. Life seems to be a hard enough punishment. I think of cutting all the time. Every piece of wire, every razor and every knife . My guiltiest pleasure and coping mechanism. Making me feel safe and secure drowning my fear.
My scars are my reminders. My scars are my proof. I am still alive and breathing. I should would could be happy but I don't believe in feelings so I will continue to act how people expect me to and match th situation, I'll try to put others first and to pay debt to society, I will gain back the relationships I've lost through people through others. I'll hold my breathe for a little bit longer.
So now saying a prayer, wiping my eyes dry with Kleenex, and sleep bound I will carry on,
We'll carry on.