Saturday, 31 August 2013
my conscience alongside my co-existance.
Right or left, good or bad and yes or no - all words to direct your way.
What if your right was actually left no was yes or was it etc etc?
I cannot remember if i have blabbed on about this shit yet or not. so yet again here I go. And i havent blogged in so long no wonder I am losing touch with reality.
What the fuck is wrong with me is all the words I can think to describe how I feel. I think I should be dead especially if you think if modern civilisation hadn't progressed mentally and medicine annd medical procedures surrounding all forms of anatomy, majority of us would be dead. Possibly more than majority.
There for I form a possible as always condescendingphilololgical question that I was born in the wrong era. I have the right people it feels around me, but who am i? I ask myself this. am I suppose to be here? am i someone I don't know I am
Today in part of my walks i was thinking of memories but those memories were from dreams. I live more in my dreams than I do here. but where is here? where the fuck am I and whats going on. I want it all to stop to just stop. i dont know, I dont have control i dont understand feelings or motives or anything or anyone.
im utterly confused.
I gave some serious thought tonight about hanging myself. But the pain it would cause others and lives i would effect either in their dreams and reality too. do i really want to pass on the questioning of reality? is all i do is question myself?
I only ever find answers in The Lord. But but but. you can but everything.
People dont like me. People know and label me weird, psycho, whatever, who cares. do i care to be writting this ? I just want to make sense because i thought i was doing so well and now putting myself out there has changed it all and i just wanna hide under a rock and die. No one wants to meet me or know me better, people disregard me as worthless.
The lives ive changed can always be changed by someone else.
Suicide wont even save me I see that now. Suicide ends suffering in this world but will continue it in another, I believe Hell.
So am I to ride it out and suffer then eventually meet Jesus and just feel his love through an embrace. The beautiful thought brings tears to my eyes.
these blogs I know will only get me into trouble. But I am already in trouble, and I dont have a way out.
Im left to wonder, what now?