my conscience alongside my co-existance.

Right or left, good or bad and yes or no - all words to direct your way.

What if your right was actually left no was yes or was it etc etc?

I cannot remember if i have blabbed on about this shit yet or not. so yet again here I go. And i havent blogged in so long no wonder I am losing touch with reality.

What the fuck is wrong with me is all the words I can think to describe how I feel. I think I should be dead especially if you think if modern civilisation hadn't progressed mentally and medicine annd medical procedures surrounding all forms of anatomy, majority of us would be dead. Possibly more than majority.

There for I form a possible as always condescendingphilololgical question that I was born in the wrong era. I have the right people it feels around me, but who am i? I ask myself this. am I suppose to be here? am i someone I don't know I am 

Today in part of my walks i was thinking of memories but those memories were from dreams. I live more in my dreams than I do here. but where is here? where the fuck am I and whats going on. I want it all to stop to just stop. i dont know, I dont have control i dont understand feelings or motives or anything or anyone.

im utterly confused.

I gave some serious thought tonight about hanging myself. But the pain it would cause others and lives  i would effect either in their dreams and reality too. do i really want to pass on the questioning of reality? is all i do is question myself?

I only ever find answers in The Lord. But but but. you can but everything.

People dont like me. People know and label me weird, psycho, whatever, who cares. do i care to be writting this ? I just want to make sense because i thought i was doing so well and now putting myself out there has changed it all and i just wanna hide under a rock and die. No one wants to meet me or know me better, people disregard me as worthless.

The lives ive changed can always be changed by someone else.

Suicide wont even save me I see that now. Suicide ends suffering in this world but will continue it in another, I believe Hell.

So am I to ride it out and suffer then eventually meet Jesus and just feel his love through an embrace. The beautiful thought brings tears to my eyes. 

these blogs I know will only get me into trouble. But I am already in trouble, and I dont have a way out.

Im left to wonder, what now? 

( to go with the scrapbook I've made )

So much has happened in the last year and for the last few years I ultimately forgot who I really was and what made me the person I am today. 

Reading through this scrapbook may seem like a goodbye and give off a morbid feeling but this has nothing to do with death. This scrapbook I made to remind me how blessed and proud I have to have so many people in my life. I come from a loving family and the best parents possible. Who else would put up with me? 

Another reason was that memories fade but photos remain therefore by collecting some favourites and random reminding pieces I've put together an Alzheimer's documentary of my childhood. 

I am not a great person, hec I barely have any friends but I have my faith, my family and incessant mind day after day. 

Let this scrapbook be the beginning of the end. 

Instinct

instinct. The sixth supposed sense. Is it a sense? or is it an inheritable belief of something more, something far beyond our comprehension.

I ask of this sense as few learn to recognise it and use it. Whether it's “I have a funny feeling” or “This doesn't feel right”, both leading to more conscience based feelings but still a sense leading further. A sense you cannot control. A talent maybe?

I know I am watching a good film if part way though catching my breathe I happen to think 'What if?“ some of the things you see are not far from the truth. What if we are all part of something, something much bigger than our comprehension. I believe we are. There is too much in this world to go on faith alone. You need a belief for if we had no belief we would have no purpose and no purpose would strive us to live a life.

We are intended to be here. And we all have a plan. Nothing just happens. Every death affects someone. Every birth is a mark.

Please God forgive us our sins.

Home alone in the country.

half my family is in the USA on holidays in the summer time and i am here in the winter eating to try and  stay warm. the wind here is awful and the weather is unpredictable.

I thought i was happy at first I was alone but it feels depressing now. Perhaps is I focus on the positives things will go right. I have a carer coming to see me once a week to make sure I am coping, I rather a carer than going into respite.

It is half time in the AFL I am watching and is already majority of what I have done all day being eating and watching TV. 

For once I don't really have anything bad enough on my mind to complain about. I am more thankful for the things I do have. They say money cant buy everything, well how do you get friends cos they don't grow on trees and in the meantime of finding then at least you have possessions to make you smile.

Perhaps it is BPD but if I am stressed I go shopping. Not the best idea for my finances but its good just to look as well. The things you see, the ideas that come to your mind the experience is wholesome and consuming and you usually leave happy with a bargain or special with something expensive. How you someone not like new items?

Tomorrow is a new day. A gift really. A second chance. Use it wisely. 

Loss of meaning - copy & pasted

I was not going to type any of this but what a waste it would be if i didn't. so here i go with my copy and paste from just under a month ago.

So I have recently finished the endeavour of reading  the all time classic, the diary of Anne Frank.  For those who are unfamiliar it is the diary of a young jewish girl Anne, living in in a secret attic and annexe behind a bookcase throughout the world war 2 in Germany with some family and other Jews.

The way Anne interpreted things was just that of a girl but as the diary grew from the two and a bit years in the attic she was forced to grow up and lose the innocence and ignorance children are blessed with, not being aware of the pain and sorrow following others.

I skipped a chapter or two towards the last few entries because in a way she started to lose her mind and hope. She knew about the Jews getting murdered and starved. How Hitler and his rein of fuhrer, the nazis and Gestapo etc.

I ha to stop because it was too upsetting. If something happened like that these days, people just would not cope. They would not be able to survive but poor Anne and all the others her age and younger killed and forced to lose their childhood, their families, everything they owned but precious memories and faith. Hitler could not rob any Jew of their Faith.

I could go on and on about Anne frank, but really she was the same as thousands and hundreds of others. Only her dad find her diary and now the whole world has read it. I bet eh did not see that coming!

Reading this book I felt utterly helpless. There was nothing anyone could do to escape the Holocaust. It makes today's problems of obesity and global warming so insignificant that you need to slap yourself in the morning to realise how bloody good we have it! 

I'm a spoilt brat that's already travelled around the world to 5 different countries, 7 if you count Amsterdam and kuala lumpar airports. 

I've seen more of the USA than I have Australia. 

What makes my life so fortunate? Then I still end up a cutter, and so many mental problems.

I read the other day that dumber people are happier because they still contain the ignorance of a child. Even then I don't envy them. Things are just easier to see on the surface then explore beneath the sand.

Like those moments staring into the stars. Who and what do you feel? What do you feel? 

Would you survive if authorities pushed you to your limit after starving and forcing you to run barefoot and naked through snow to be shot Orr everyone around you shot? You children killed in front of you? Your family torn, your possessions, homes, friends, everything. It hurts to consider but reiterates the fact, the common people of today would not survive, and perhaps some even deserve to be shot, maybe someone does deserve to be gassed? But who are we to judge?all to end o in some mass grave. We are not God. 

How could God let the Holocaust happen? Why would God let his only son died?

Why? To make us trust him. To keep faith find believe. if bad things didn't happen we would not experience the good things. And therefore life would be irrelevant.