Sunday, 14 July 2013

Why did you let me swallows pills?

Not to be mellow dramatic.
I don't have friends, only family which is better in a way but pains me as much. You chose your friends and no one choses me. I've never been chosen, never to be sat with at school, included in events or house to go play at. No one choses me. Fuck them. Fuck the lot of them. I am sick and tired of bring everyone's fall back. I have enough issues with relationships and don't get attached to people but I still end up getting hurt, whether I physically  hurt myself or psychologically. 
It was my birthday dinner, and though I didn't invite any friends due to lack of them to invite, they haven't even remembered despite Facebook reminders. 

No one wants to be alone. Even that girl that gets left out and pretends she doesn't care, because really the pain of being rejected by all other then relations because they have no choice. I could describe I feel like a clown in the middle of the Parliament House or a shag on a rock.  I could feel that way but my brain is making me feel numb, which in turn is worse.

I have no further comment that won't already upset me further then suicidally needed. 

 To overdose or not overdose? That seems to be the question.
Do I want to die? Ultimately no, but deep down yes. Is it better in the long run? Yes, is it beneficial? No will people that really do care be hurt? Yes. Will you lose the one reason on this earth you think you serve? To honour your mother and father ? Yes so swallow pills but enough that you will survive, heck you have made it this far. See how long you can type.

It is petty to think I care about friendships and things I dare not admit to or is it that I care or think I should care? Or that I see other people with more other people? Why am I so different? And I know everyone is different but I have never been normal! Not mundane, there is always something what some would say is quirky or weird to just plain fucked up. I apologise for my language but my standard of not trusting people never ceases to lift and never will.
I just don't understand. 
I am told I over think things, well if I wasn't so darn intelligent I wouldn't. If I was ditzy and fatter everyone would like me but no I'm sarcastic with a distorted self image 

I need to stop. Again my apologies of this misleading preach of emptiness. 

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