Saturday, 20 July 2013

Surprised and shun Sunday

Sunday morning here I am. 
I did not overdose, I did not do anything wrong or take too many pills of anything, no cutting, no staying up late nothing.

This morning in a turn of unfortunate events I woke up with a burning pain in the stomach and had to run to the toilet immediately. I thought I was going to be coming out both ends as I was in so much pain and overwhelmed by burning cramps, I started crying and couldn't stop so I decided to go get a bucket downstairs and go to the toilet there as wouldn't disturb anyone, then I collapsed and fell down the stairs and continued to stumble as I regain consciousness only to lose it again, up down up down until minutes later my mother found me limp, which I don't remember, I could hear sirens but that was in my head then I was on the lounge where mum left me to take me to hospital. I didn't take anything I said again and again as my father swore and swore at me. Mum left me at the hospital and went back to get some paperwork which she took a while so I'm guessing copped some abuse from dad. When she came back I was slowly regaining consciousness by blood pressure on 80. To which was 90 last week on my overdose. 
Eventually came home and stayed in bed until 12, my mum force feeding me. 
Dad thinks I eat too much, then he tells me I don't eat enough, so I cannot please him. Ad now he won't even look at me because it pains him too much. I am too much a toxic of a daughter for him to know he created. I have failed him, and I now bare the guilt of my fathers dislike for me. :( it brings me to tears because I just want to please him. Same as when he abuses my mum about how I stopped playing piano, and then when I did play it was not to his standard, He doesn't even know how to play piano!!!!!
Not looking at me, not speaking to me, yelling t my mum about me. I'm the cause of I'd say 80% of their quarrels. 
I can't do anything to change this but hang my head in shame and think what a screw up I am because even if I was different it still would not be good enough for him.

And he wonders why I have problems with relationships.... 

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