Monday, 8 July 2013

Ripping open a wound? Cutting a new one is better.

I was told today about analogy of putting a bandaid over a wound and then ripping it off and letting it bleed and so on and so fourth basically about not letting things bottle up. Another example. If a glass is half full and you keep filling it up, eventually it has to over flow.
So what are our wounds?
Lacerations or gun shot wounds? What about heart break or despair? Anxiety an fear. The confusion of emotions often leads to more emotions causing more pain and more emotions of more thoughts and what have you. The list just goes on. and on. and on.

You think you have a partner. Your innocent sweet 16. And that one person you let in takes something so precious and meaningful to your well-being that you crumble at their feet. You can't look back because sooner or later its all happening out of your control you don't even realize the extent of the wounds being made. Your religious beliefs shut down. Your self esteem lost. Your virginity stolen. Your feelings numbed. Your phone thrown against the wall. Your location unknown. Your face in a constant gaze. You can't even watch a movie without being touched inappropriately. What about your thoughts mocked? The disgusting tongue from a mouth that doesn't brush their teeth forced inside you mouth, your body invading your soul. All the wounds in the world I could describe were felt within myself until suicide is my only option short of starving myself and cutting. Cutting always makes better wounds. Wounds you can control. Wounds that can heal, sure there is a scar but thats better to show then your face which constantly reminds you of grief. every look in the mirror is as painful as pins in your eyes.

All I have is describe how I feel and the past in what best few words I could. Nothing can explain what abuse is all about. I only hope you don't recognize what I have written. I have to stop myself from writing more because I need to take my medication and go to bed to wake for another day of therapy.
I never have good dreams. I need to stop.
One last thing.
It was a year ago I ripped open my wound. Stitches to ovedoses and hospital and mental institution stays. Medication, scars and just when I think i'm starting to get better it all comes crashing down. Here I was thinking hey I'm 20 in 7 days. I lived a year longer then I thought I would and then I was asked an unexpected question about my ex and now it has me thinking and I can feel it all flooding back, like a mite burrowing up my skin. At the end of the day, you can't hide who or what you are. You cannot change. You can go either direction and you can always kill yourself tomorrow.

After all this My Chemical Romance always Get me through. Even though they have broken up, when I listen to "Light behind your eyes" I feel as if they are singing to me and still care and are there for me when I need them. Music - What you can always believe in, where you will always find hope <3

My train of though is being put to bed now.
Until we meet another day. Peace.

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