Saturday, 20 July 2013
Out of sunlight, out of mindful thinking
Was is something I did? Or do I just come across a good target or just that much of an outcast and can't let people in people just push me under the rug. I was right. I was ditched my birthday night, left to overdose. People I see and say Hi to turn and look the other way. My father is angry and ignoring me. I can say I want his attention as childish as that sounds but I feel I have failed him so much he does not want to have any more to do with me because it is too painful.
I think I am just not meant to have friends. I prefer teddy bears anyway.
It's only nighttime as my medication is wearing off as it is time to dose up perhaps or my nocturnal thoughts consume me. I can pretend I am wise. Fake to myself that my confusing thoughts are clear. I doubt there is any benefit reading this flip flops of rubbish blog nod yet I continue to let out my mind.
Writing it down does not make me "feel" anything as such but leads me to believe it is out of mind, or at least put into a context rather then circulating.
I wish things were different.
I wish I could forget what pains me and fills me with shame.
The more I deny these facts to myself the darker I become.
I feel trapped.
I feel worthless and unwanted.
I wish someone with no unconditional love such as a family member would show me an inch of kindness so I can find hope towards the future.
Feeling about due to overdose.