Monday, 15 July 2013
Dear God, make me a bird.
I must be one of the most selfish beings. I tell myself about all the friends and relationships I don't have then don't see the family that I do have. Self judgement. If I died tonight which I just might. Only 20 by 6 or so hours and already my perspective of life is changing. Perhaps due to the liver cells I've damaged, the people I've hurt and betrayed, the episodes of Deadwood and SVU watched tonight, the delicious food I've eaten and the unconditional love my beautiful mother shines on me I've seen the light. That be said the battle of borderline personality disorder continues. I can feel like I don't wanna be known as the girl from that town that killed herself, but the suicidality blinks on me in a flash.
I cant express anymore than I can speak. I call myself stupid and worthless daily and one realization does not change that. That will always almost happen but I can try, I can pray and I can believe.
I thank God on this birthday for my family. Without them I internally would not exists.
If I die this night (which I likely won't, I just can't sleep at the current time) I would encourage everyone to feel the rain on their face and remember me as that girl with a silly blog that would always rant on.