Wednesday, 12 June 2013

The ache to disappear.

Here I am again! to bitch some more about the world.

Have you ever wanted to just disappear? But what happens when you disappear? Right now my struggle is with my nightmares. The surviving of abuse and rape is not so fantastic. Its like you were a crystal glass, shiny and perfect and now you were thrown at a brick wall, shattering into billions of miniature pieces and day by day another piece is blown away or stepped on.
Okay, so that wasn't a very good metaphor or example because no one knows what it is like to be a inanimate object.
My issues at the moment are I've realised I am in a way afraid of the male type. I want nothing to do with any sexual behaviour. I don't care if I was married and it was sinless. I just can't. I'm too broken and I am scared to be fixed. I am afraid so terribly afraid.
All my dreams lately are focussed on being rapped or chased or I'm blind and being chased. which basically according to dream psychology which is simple.
Although is it? There are so many reasons as to why people dream, when they should, how often they should but how and when they do is not always correct. It comes down again as per everyone is different. That is all there is to it.
I can't explain life any better than you can. We all experience it different so there is no proper way to live it.
I don't know where I am anymore. I think it would be best if I just swam out to sea until I could no longer get any further. Oh that was in my dream last night too! Now I remember I had to hang on to a rope as my family was on holidays and a chopper took us out to sea but I fell out and dropped in the ocean and my fear of immensity set in and I was drowning suffering and screaming at the top of my lungs. Better yet there was raw T-bone steaks floating around me and I couldn't see a boat or land.
Mind you, I prefer that part of the dream then the abusing parts.
My father has told me I wouldn't have so many nightmares if I didn't watch so many horror films. The thing is horror films don't scare me because they are not real! But oh no I did what he said and haven't watched any in orever and I have them worse then ever. My plan tonight is to stay up as late as possible and then a handful of mixed pills.
I could follow my self care plans and ring a hotline or any of the number of psychologists consulting me but why? No one can change the past. Yes, they can say some words to help me. But I need to learn to help myself. Pathetic I know. I sicken myself. I am so shamed and guilty and horrified. I have short hair now to. Why? Because instead of cutting my arms I have now taken to hacking at my hair. Leave a rats nest for the hairdressers to fix.
Someone asked me the other day what my favourite TV shows were, that I absolutely had to watch. I couldn't say one. Sure there are things I would watch if they were on but I don't follow any of them and weight my life upon them. (I already had my obsessions when I was 13 if you've read my my chem blog you will understand).
I know a woman in my group therapy, she is the perfect example of someone who weights there life upon something completely out of their own control. That's exactly the reason I don't, because I need control. I NEED IT! and yet I am so out of control.
Anyway, this women, would die for port power. She watches every game no matter what, wears only port power merchandise and even paints her nails. I can understand why she does it. I can understand why anyone would weight their life on something. 1. control and 2. Something to focus on so they don't have to focus on themselves. == Because dedicating yourself to a consuming activity is side tracking away from control but feels as if they are in control because they know what there life is about. If that makes sense? It does to me.
Can anyone really have a favourite TV show? I think we have new ones all the time because they are constantly being made and being renewed and improved.
One film I stumbled across has became my favourite because I admire it. Sophie's Choice, aka Meryl streep, living life after WW2 after having to chose which of her children will live and die once off the train at the extermination camp Auswitz.
Have I bored you enough for one night? I think so.
Auf Wiedersehen!

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